'America's Next Top Model' season finale recap: And the Winner Is...

Well, well, well, Model Behaviorists. Here we are, at the end of a solid cycle that gave us a new reality heroine in the tragically awkward yet suddenly swan-like Ann, offered some truly magical outfits from André Leon Talley, but mostly just reminded us that just when you think Tyra's gone impressively legit, she goes right back to being the queen empress of WTFtown. AKA, makes "motion editorials." But I can't complain. Like my all-time favorite subject of an episode of Intervention, I too am walking on sunshine.

We opened with Ann and Chelsey gushing about being in the top two and sizing each other up. "I've graduated from high school, but this is 20 times better than that," said Ann, raving, reminding all of us how young she is. We saw brief photo montages of each contestant, though sadly (happily?) Ann's famous bacon photo was not among them. Chelsey had a super unfortunate glamour shot with some gruesome '90s bangs -- but don't we all?

Off to the Vogue Italia shoot! Here, wear this babydoll negligee and sit in a field. Perrrrrfect. Now get in a pond and look into the distance. Now stand in some bug-infested overgrown alley. Italy! Both Chelsey and Ann looked super pretty, and duh, this whole episode was edited to be suspenseful, but come the fart on. This was Ann's to lose at this point, and she nailed the shoot -- "she's very high end," said the photog. Chelsey "just works." And then he bid them farewell with the famous couture sign off: "All right, girls, see you when I see you."

Next up in this busy, busy episode was the traditional Cover Girl commercial, but thank holy heavens they didn't do the usual "memorize these atrocious lines, which you will inevitably flub" shtick. (Maybe we got enough of that at the rollerskating debacle. I sure did!) Instead, the commercial was going to be vignettes with voice-overs, according to Mr. Jay. But Mr. Jay was wearing cargo shorts, so I had a hard time hearing him over my internal screams of "whaaaaaaaat?!" Come on, dude.

Of course, the commercial was still awkward and strange, but again, both the modeltestants looked lovely and as natural as you can look when you pretend to put on makeup at a waterfront cafe. Just normal stuff, you know. Who hasn't crumpled up a map in frustration? Anyway, Jay said they did well.

Then, in order to seriously pluck our heartstrings, surprise! Chelsey's parents, and Ann's parents and brother were there! Aaaghhh! I really like this new Top Model tradition because it totally makes me well up. Chelsey's mom's scary non-eyebrows said that Chelsey was "living her dream," and it was adorable.

In yet another sort-of-a-challenge, Ann and Chelsey met with the SVP of IMG, where of course Chelsey was more comfortable (how many times did they say "personality" this week?) and Ann was more nervous. They both seemed okay, though. Again, tension! (Again, not...that...much tension.)

Finally, it was off to the runway show, where they were joined by Liz, Chris, Jane, and Kayla. Gee, it's almost like the six people who went to Italy were all still there. I wonder how that worked out! Also, last season's winner Krista was there for moral support and to show off her walking skills. Jane said she was rooting for Ann, and Kayla said she was rooting for Chelsey.

NEXT: All together now: "Work it, girl!"

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