'America's Next Top Model' recap: Water Torture

The instructions for the shoot were vague: Get your face wet, make your body, uh, interesting, keep the water moving, don't look like a dead fish. Claire interpreted this to mean, face-plant, body-slam, create a human tidal wave, and die. Success! I watched this ''stunt'' a good 12 times, until I was laughing so hard I was crying, accumulating enough water to reenact Claire's performance with the help of some plastic wrap. But instead of getting carted off to the hospital (hold your breath for next week's obligatory Top Model ER emergency), Claire stuck it out for the remainder of the challenge, while Jay and photographers repeatedly reminded her to act alive (''Her legs look dead...she was very slow-moving''). It was hopeless. That little fishy was a floater.

Claire may have gotten the boot, but I can't say anyone was a real stand-out last night. I guess lying in a puddle, wrapped in rags and pressed up against plastic isn't an easy look to pull off. Fatima looked decent, and she said she practiced (where? Her bathtub?), but then ruined it with that impromptu spastic teapot pose. Stacy-Ann was criticized for her smushed mouth, which was followed by a tutorial from Tyra on how to hold your breath underwater. It's amazing the things you learn watching this show. Tyra came thisclose to calling Dominique a slut, which would probably be one of the nicer words used to describe her, and the backhanded compliment of the night came from square-jawed-and-proud-of-it Paulina, who, upon seeing Katarzyna's new 'do, exclaimed, ''That weird Eastern European tackiness is now gone!'' Ouch. I don't know if Katarzyna was tacky, but Paulina's proclamation was definitely tactless. Lauren and Claire were left circling the drain, and I was praying for a double elimination. The only thing that could have made Claire's bizarre skip, twirl, and skitter out the door more unsettling would be Lauren doing a Frankenstein walk close behind.

So, should Claire have been spared for doing that daring free-flop? Should Lauren enroll in some anger management classes? Is there anyone in the world who loves Dominique more than Dominique? How many times did you watch Claire's face-plant? Who was guilty in the great coffee caper? And tell me, really: Is looking like a ''full-figured fetus'' supposed to be a compliment?

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