'America's Next Top Model' recap: The Rachel Zoo Project

This installment of Top Model recap is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by our friends at Home Depot and Melanie’s Cat Pajamas—where our cat pajamas are the cat’s pajamas!

You may notice that something is a little different this week. No, I’m not talking about the fact that my hair has more bounce and luster thanks to TRESemmé’s Volumizing Shampoo, or the renewed get-up-and-go I got from drinking a can of Face Punch Energy Drink—Get Puunnnnnched!™ Rather, I have been inspired by last night’s episode to make a little extra money through the magic of product placement. Sure, I know what you're all thinking: “But Keith, you’re the last true bastion of journalistic integrity, the Edward R. Murrow of sassy hair jokes! And this is totally unethical!” To which I say, do you know what’s really unethical? How delicious Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is. I mean, it’s the cheesiest, people!

Like emotions and blood alcohol content, product placement on reality TV is heightened to almost ludicrous levels, and last night CoverGirl got their money’s worth. The first 20 minutes of the episode were essentially a single extended commercial for silky skin moisturizers and color-enhancing eyebrow pencils, and the word "CoverGirl” was mentioned more times than “dude” at a Big Lebowski-themed frat party. Much in the same way that Top Chef contestants really seem to love that Swanson broth and Jon & Kate Plus 8 was basically one long implicit advertisement for condoms, Top Model’s just trying to pay the bills.

As usual, we spent the requisite first few minutes establishing Alexandria’s meanness. By this point, all the other girls think she’s a monster, but calling Alexandria a monster is an insult to real monsters like Molly’s weave, which has returned from the grave and refuses to leave. Look, we should just accept, as Molly seems to have done, that nothing will be able to kill the Weave Beast. Here's what I think happened: Tyra tried to get it booted like she said she would, but the Weave Beast responded by promptly devouring a cameraman and then gradually eating its way up the line of production until Tyra finally caved in and agreed to let it back on the show. Molly has taken to wrapping it in a purple turban that makes her look almost exactly like Professor Quirrell, which is apt since she too has a force of unstoppable evil growing on the back of her head. I’m pretty sure at one point I heard the weave growl, “Bring me the boy!”

NEXT: Easy, sleazy, beautiful...

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