The utter fakery of Khristian D'Avis, 22, confounds me from the start and makes me want to fast-forward her segment. "I do have a band… I've been craving that life," she purrs. Every sentence out of her mouth is coming from a different planet, and she clearly has "a lot going on" (great understatement from J. Lo) emotionally. Harry calls her out on losing the Sicilian accent as soon as the desperate begging portion of her Best Actress in a Reality Series reel begins. And Keith notices she doesn't even listen to Harry's advice about how "there's a real way to connect and a fake way to connect." Oh, and her singing voice is even shakier than her emotional status on "Saving All My Love For You." So…. that's crazy. Kudos to Keith for saying no. Next.
A young man tells Jennifer Lopez, "Fix your t*ts, it's okay" -- and that's the last time anyone will ever see him. Anyone. Off with his head!
Jena Asciutto, 17, booms out "Rolling in the Deep" without sounding like an Adele copycat -- for that alone I say send this girl to the Top 10. The high school senior sang lead in a band, Infinity Hour, before quitting eight months ago, likely to go the solo artist route. (You can see a bunch of Infinity Hour performances on YouTube.) She sounds a lot like Hayley Williams from Paramore but with a bigger voice. I love her sweet, muted reaction upon receiving the golden ticket. "That's gonna be a fun watch," says Harry. I'd personally like to watch the Idol stylists chop off most of that scraggly hair and highlight her face. Then again, wigs! There are so many wigs right now.
Haley Reinhart lookalike alert! Georgia gal Melanie Porras, 19, "already has the seeds," Harry announces after her double-header of "Fever," with guitar, and "Wanted Dead or Alive" a cappella, though you'd think it'd be the other way around. 'Cause she's a cowgirl! She's probably my favorite guitarist of the night -- I could never have predicted some of her choices to accompany "Fever." The judges understandably want to make sure the voice is there, too, but I can picture Melanie pulling ahead down the line with all that musicianship under her belt. She just seems like a complete artist. "J. Lo, you're so beautiful." And she's smart, too!
YES. Flower Crown. "The leather and the stockings… it's a very beautiful mix," Jennifer Shmennifer raves to Jade Lathan, 20. She's my favorite audition of the night, and it's not totally about the vocals, even though "You Know I'm No Good" leaks right out of her almost effortlessly. It's because she's this glowing rod of happiness, like optimism personified -- and how could you not want to watch something like that on your TV screen forever? I bet every guy she's ever met is in love with her. There's a little whistle in her voice, too. I'm smitten.
American Idol is a journey, my friends -- even if its first and last stop is Keith Urban deeming you unsexy.
Aww. Keep trying, Liam. Hit puberty, that should definitely help.
NEXT: Daddy, I want a golden goose to lay a golden ticket