Colorful wackaloon Zoanette Johnson, "19," brutally murdered the national anthem to the unfathomable delight of the judges, her pitchy runs at one point knocking featherweight Keith Urban onto the floor. I found myself vaguely amused by her antics but only in an "Obviously she won't go through" sort of way. What the hell? This is the only aggressively crazy person they've let through so far, so it's just like…why her?
Well, why not, I guess. I've never seen a person (?) transition from a rueful accusation of President Obama (for not inviting her to the White House because "he needs another Barbie in there") to an impatient and over-it "Come on, I got a lunch date," to a grand reveal of her shiny black bike shorts in a deep drop-it-like-it's-hot squat. That doesn't mean I'd like to see it again. But maybe some people would?
And now for the Make-a-Wish portion of tonight's telethon: Kayden Stevenson, 16, suffers from cystic fibrosis and has a life expectancy of 35. The little blondie looked like a 9-year-old model for a surfing-themed clothing commercial while singing "I Wish," which broke my heart a tiny bit, and then the full heartbreak came later when, after Randy complimented his confidence, Kayden remarked, "I don't know -- I guess I'm born with it. I'm lucky." SOB. But I mean, let's be honest, this kid does not have a great voice.
Finally, surprise! Former judge Steven Tyler stopped by in all his incredulous-face-crinkling glory to "audition" as noted drag queen and fashion designer Pepper LaBeija. Anyone else think he really didn't need that blonde wig to make his point? All glamour as always, Tyler mooned the judges on his way out, shackled that wig onto Seacrest's noggin in a desperate effort to retain his balance, and generally reminded us what a delightfully strange puddle of nonsense he is. Do we miss Steven Tyler yet? I honestly wouldn't mind regular drop-ins from him. (Droppings?)
That's it -- are you glad you sat through this important episode? Who's your fave so far?