Since Queen's "Somebody to Love" was somehow left out of a Queen-themed American Idol, I have taken the liberty of paraphrasing Ryan Seacrest's internal monologue moments before showtime.
I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody (somebody) somebody (Nigel)
Can anybody find me some bucket to puke in?
It's true, y'all -- after missing rehearsal and being hooked up to an IV with a nasty stomach bug yesterday, our heroic host nearly had to bow out for the first time in 11 seasons. Nigel Lythgoe was ready to replace him! The horror!
Luckily Ryan decided to dip his face in a bowl of makeup at the last minute and just wing it. He'll keep on fighting 'til the end. Brian May, Roger Taylor, and Ryan Seacrest are the champions of the world.
Jessica Sanchez is no rocker, but she bravely took on "Bohemian Rhapsody" with lightning bolt earrings, hi-top sneakers, and three copies of her own face projected in the Great Idol Oval behind her. (You know, just like Queen…and the Dancing With the Stars judges.) J. Lo wanted more "running around" and "hair throwing" during the hard-rocking segment in the middle of the terribly chopped-up classic rock masterpiece, but I have to imagine that would look and feel more ridiculous than what Jessica did. Her first and last verses sounded sublime.
Randy -- now a living, breathing self-parody wearing a "YO" pin -- suggested that Jessica channel a little Tina Turner. "She's that rock-singing big voice, in the female form," Randy explained. "Explained" is probably the wrong word there.
I see a little silhouetto of a man. Mr. Sanchez! Mr. Sanchez! Will you do the fandango? For the contestant's choice round, Jessica dedicated Luther Vandross' "Dance With My Father" to her dad, who's about to be deployed to Singapore. (Don't worry, he'll be in the audience for tonight's results show so we can cry about it. I'm honestly pretty excited. Not about his fate, but about the Idol moment.)
This was a perfectly lovely rendition and Jessica's frothy yellow gown was stunning. The judges could find no fault. J. Lo thought it was the best she'd ever heard the song sung. R. Yo called Jessica's natural vocal tendencies "truly amazing." As for those distracting silhouettes behind Jessica during the performance, I'd been thinking "Rafiki lifting Simba," but reader @jennmilazzo suggested they looked more like Dr. Evil raising Mini Me up into the air. She's right; I must still be missing DeAndre.
NEXT: Joshua Ledet's gotta be cool, relax....