Welcome to Colorado, a wonderfully placid landscape in which many species thrive -- bull testes on plates, cows, the "frightening and homeless," and a person whose job is to shake dirty fake snow over Ryan Seacrest. At least that guy probably doesn't have a twin brother who specializes in shimmering sleet. But if he had, and if he'd done a weepy confessional including the line "I've spent my whole life living in the shadow of his saltshaker figure," this episode might have been a lot more compelling.
Oh, that was tragic, that poor twin. First of all her name was "Tealana Hedgespeth." I'm so sorry already. And she just kept going on and on about how her twin sister was so talented. "I feel like she's so much better than me," said Tealana. "I CAN BE AMAZING TOO." Maybe so, maybe so. But are you sure you want to wear that belted yellow romper while you give it a shot?
That whole segment horrified me in a "maybe this shouldn't be televised" kind of way -- much more so than even the pointless final spotlight on "Magic Cyclops." Still, I was somewhat delighted when Tealana told Randy Jackson he could call her "Dawg" and then proceeded to sing a song called "Bring Me Some Water."
If I keep writing about the faulty twin, I might become as bummed out as contestant Curtis Grey when he had to wake up on camera at 6 a.m. So let's get to last night's amazing singers -- or in this case, people who got golden tickets in Aspen. The aforementioned Curtis was a pretty endearing guy, struggling to figure out how to maneuver a hug with his parents after his audition (sometimes you pick the wrong way to lurch!) and turning an awkward front somersault outside. His voice was (ugh) just okay for me, though, on "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday." I detected a little boredom in Steven and Jennifer's faces. Their comments were so generic ("major talent") ("good looking") that it's hard to believe this guy will go far. I'd like to hear him again on his keyboard, though.
Ewwww, before Curtis was Jenni Schick, 24, an overly energetic blonde gruntmonster who might also be your kid's music teacher. She'll run away screaming if you play a recorder within her earshot, so definitely do that if you're an American Idol producer on the hunt for the juicy scoop. After jerking her way through Pat Benetar's "Heartbreaker," Jenni ran up to kiss Steven Tyler on the mouth. So THAT'S why we're watching her audition! Her boyfriend won't mind because Steven's on her list of celebrities she's allowed to kiss if she gets the chance. On her boyfriend's list are Lady Gaga, Adam Levine, and Ryan Seacrest. Honey, your boyfriend's gay. It's fine! All the good ones are.
NEXT: A flower child powers up