'American Idol' season finale recap: Baby Lock Them Doors Because The Winner Needs Security

Next time you want to put some music on that's soft and slow, consider American Idol season 10 winner Scotty McCreery. Congrats to this teen dream on his unsurprising big win -- Idol producers and Randy/J.Lo's writing staffs be damned. He has a lovely low voice and a unique grip on technology. Using the power of his Body, Scotty tossed that football all the way from the Ford Music Video set into America's heart. That basketball, too. All types of balls. Go sports!

We knew he would win, and he deserved it because the most people voted for him. Hooray for Scotty! Taste the confetti rainbow and see the glory of the world.

Lauren pulled Scotty in for a somewhat dramatic kiss after Ryan announced he had won, but I think that's just what teens do these days after pretty much anything happens. Have you seen them? They are such a mysterious species, these teens. Everyone's dating or no one is.

EW's behind-the-scenester Adam B. Vary weighs in on the idea of Scotty and Lauren as a couple: "She was coy about it...so was he. But no, they're (almost certainly) not dating!" Wow, thanks, Adam. Those are some solid facts. ('Tis a dangerous business, post-show instant messaging with me.)

Thanks also to EW's ultimate unsung hero Kate Ward for recapping Tuesday's manipulative WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO VOTE LAUREN ALAINA? performances while I covered the DWTS finale.

Wednesday's 127-minute Idol finale blowout was a bazillion times more entertaining than Tuesday's boring talent show. There were wind-machined divas. Movie stars stuffed into suits! A forgotten girl group from the '90s (and no, I'm not talking about the women of the Top 13)! A mountain climber with no pants! Let's run down the ridiculata, one last time....

NEXT: Two sacrificial virgins wander onto a stage...

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