'American Idol' recap: Groups Gone Wild

Welcome to Group Day of American Idol's Hollywood Week, a veritable breeding ground for limitless teenage egos and overbearing stage moms. Group sings are a big deal: J. Lo and S. Ty were all decked out in their sparkly blouses from the Krystle Carrington Dynasty collection, and Randy wore polka dots and stripes. It was a huge event. Are you sure you're ready to read on? In the words of Ryan Seacrest, "prepare yourself for the heartbreak and the devastation" headed your way!

The first 40 minutes or so focused on the terrible drama that tends to happen when 168 wayward souls are forced to stay up all night singing and "dancing" in public bathrooms. Yeah, zoom in on that urinal, that's it. The craziest girl of the bunch (Ashley Sullivan) began to melt down and decided to quit. Good for her! Mental health! But of course her boyfriend was there to talk her out of it. Meanwhile, on the other side of the Lord of the Flies island, an ex-boyfriend struggled to retain the will to live while rehearsing a song he didn't know with his ex-girlfriend and a bossy plastic doll. Perhaps most compellingly, 15-year-old Jacee "Big Bieber" Badeaux couldn't find a group. Around and around he floated, a delicious crab rangoon in a bitter wonton soup, the evil molecules of which just didn't understand the greatness inherent in Mr. Rangoon's difference. I kind of lost what I was going for with that tragic metaphor, but I lost it for real when Jacee found his parents on a set of stairs and told them his original group had kicked him out. And his mom -- oh, his mom! She redeemed my faith in humanity for a few minutes. "You know what?" she said with mom-ish authority. "It just wasn't meant to be." That is a good, reasonable mom. If that happened to my kid, I would be ready to dive into that awful bully soup and 1-800-CUT-A-BITCH. Just kidding. My kid would never be talented enough to make it to Hollywood!

By 8:30 in the morning, everyone just wanted to die, except Kevin Campos, who was still asleep in his hotel room. A few girls dropped dead into their soggy breakfasts. The bossy doll threatened to use her special doll taser to bring the "delusional" Rob Bolin back to life. Steven Tyler bragged about his various addictions. Jennifer Lopez karate chopped the air to show how they would "make the cuts." "Don't ever forget the words," said Randy, who seems to know about 15 words total. A blonde girl I swear I've never seen before made "rock hands" in the audience and wagged her tongue. Let's get it on!

NEXT: What is Jordan Dorsey's damage, Heather?

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