'American Idol' recap: Fire On the Bay

Wow. Last night, American Idol laid the sob stories on as thick as a Ukrainian accent on a pink-sweatsuited, surely battery-operated Mail-Order Bride Bratz Doll. (We were all thinking it!) From fire victims to an Adam Lambert impersonator with Tourette's, Asperger's, a dad who died of a drug overdose, and a baby who may or may not be wearing a diaper right now, the San Francisco auditions kept us on a pile of ashes and needles waiting for the next "most emotional moments of the season." You could almost envision Nigel Lythgoe licking his chapped lips with delight after a pre-commercial teaser announced, "My life...took a turn for the worse." PERFECT.

This was at least the second time Jennifer Lopez has cackled loudly upon exiting her stretch limo, by the way. Cacklin' J. Lo: the cereal with real diamonds! A free picture of a designer shoe in every box.

The following young adults (finally) -- plus Brittany Mazur, Doobie Brothers daughter Lara Johnston, Matthew Nuss, and three unidentified trying objects who shared the dreaded split-ends edit -- earned golden tickets in San Francisco...

Stefano Langone is a 21-year-old molto Italianio cute stuffed animal from Kent, Washington who survived "an accident." He rehabbed himself in less than four months and now he's all sewn up. All better! Stable as a table. He can even lift weights in his garage like Lester Burnham. Stefano kept talking about hunger and the flame inside him, which was rather chilling in a warm way, and I realized I really liked him as a person. Dramatic scarring and a cool guy? What are the chances? (1 in 9,000.) Stefano sang a somewhat rushed version of Marvin Gaye's "I Heard It Through the Grapevine," complete with howling. The voice was good, but I marveled more at the way he was genuinely able to engage the judges with non-hokey smiles and eye contact. After Stefano finished, Randy appreciated the vocal and J. Lo raved about his "movie star good looks," but Steven Tyler simply said "Nice character." Yes! He nailed it again. I loved how Stefano good-naturedly mocked his mom for messing up the family's attempt to yell "Going to Hollywood!" in unison. You can tell these Langones are a fun and loving species.

NEXT: I think we've got a quirky one here!

Page 1 2 3 NEXT