'American Idol' recap: Music City Blues

Thursday's Nashville auditions episode of American Idol was a far cry from Wednesday's riveting talent 'n' tears extravaganza. Screeching creeps and delusional dolts dominated the telecast, and of the 10 featured contenders, only a few truly inspired. The episode's overarching theme -- "Huh?" -- was perhaps most evident very early on, when Randy Jackson asked a dental assistant who may or may not have a meth lab in her bathtub if she'd ever done cartoon voiceover work, and her answer was "I don't know!"

Oh, lord. Would it get any better?

Kind of. Meet a few of your Golden Ticket Winners from the Nashville auditions....

First up: awkward exes Rob Bolin and Chelsee Oaks, both 23. I really liked Rob's effortlessly smoky (good smoky, not smokerly) vocal on "What's Going On," and he's got a bashful, normal guy vibe to him that reminded me of Lee DeWyze or maybe even David Cook. Chelsee's got a great name, long red hair, and showed excellent range on Brandi Carlile's "The Story," which Lacey Brown sang last season. The judges much preferred their duet, but I wonder if that was just for TV purposes. Uh oh. J. Lo will not stand for this unless Rob and Chelsee get back together. "Get out of here and fall in love all over again," Steven Tyler advised them on their way out. Sure, no problem. Chelsee's new boyfriend seems really jazzed about it.

After lengthy check-ins with a little twerp who could touch her tongue to her nose and a tattoo artist who described himself as "many other things at the same time" (...high?), we were treated to some slow-motion shots of Miss Teen U.S.A. 2009. She gently leaned back. She parted her lips. She competed with Donald Trump in an orange-off. And then there she was, standing in front of the judges accusing Steven Tyler of reading. Stormi Henley, 19, who sang "Father Can You Hear Me?" weakly but in tune, is probably better-suited for America's Next Top Victoria's Secret Angel than American Idol. But the latter's on the air right now, and so the latter she shall win! People want to see more of that on a screen every week, plain and simple.

"?" No.

For the first time since...fine, yesterday, I was compelled to re-watch an entire segment after 22-year-old Adrienne Beasley's audition. The black country girl and her white adoptive parents are all salt-of-the-earth people and I am still not over the cute factor of her dad's reaction to her golden ticket over the phone: "Yeah, I'm tickled." I'm going to start answering people like that all the time, even though no one will believe me because I'm a sarcastic bitch and not an endearing old man from Kentucky. Adrienne's cover of Lady Antebellum's "American Honey" gave me goosebumps when she hit "wild, wild whisper" and was the perfect song choice for the spirited beauty. I loved how Steven raved "You didn't exist, you didn't exist" to his fellow panel members in an effort to explain how much Adrienne had swept him away. Dream on, man. You're stuck with these two jokers for four more months!

NEXT: Seacrest thinks it's incest

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