'American Idol' recap: Why You Look So Sad?

Wow. If anything, we can rest assured after last night's results show that the American Idol voting system isn't fixed. You've finally convinced us, producers! Well done. Pia Toscano, long considered a front-runner in season 10, left this week in a truly shocking elimination. Her fans let the sun go down on her (yikes, but oh well, those are the words), and she just didn't have the votes. Only two girls remain in the top 8. America's pickin' 'em off, one by one, L.A.M.B. romper by L.A.M.B. romper. No one is safe.

Jacob Lusk and Stefano Langone joined Pia in the bottom three. I was sure it'd be Stefano.

"Stick with us, everyone. We need you," Ryan Seacrest summed up gravely, closing the show as if no one was even watching Idol anymore. They obviously are. They're just not voting. Rather, not all of them are voting. Ryan's speech, paraphrased: "Please, anyone who's not a teenage girl, HELP!!!"

Friends, I am still crying. Doctor, my eyes are melting! What is this foreign liquid? Vile moisture! It's actually a relief, though. I finally feel emotionally connected to a season that really hadn't moved me yet. I even rewound the last 10 minutes so I could relive the drama — especially when Pia broke down twice mid-belt, not to mention PIA TOSCANO'S PARENTS — and relish my tears some more. When the judges saved Casey, I hardly felt a thing. Just me? Is this a lady thing? Stay tuned for the next paragraph, when I talk about my cycle!

Everything leading up to the Pia shocker in Thursday's results show was pretty terrible, too. That TMZ segment full of boorish clowns and cubicles was "litt-ruh-ly" (as Rachel Zoe and, after last night, Ryan Seacrest would say) the worst thing I have ever seen. Iggy Pop brandished his torso and performed some terrifying spoken-word poetry. Russell Brand sauntered in to mentor the top 9 on how to be "charismatic," and Gwen Stefani played dress-up with the three girls in a segment no one wanted to see because we were still trying to block out last night's outfits. "Who am I to tell them what to wear?" wondered Gwen. Exactly.

NEXT: Constantine's unhinged melody and the Esteemed Colleague Email of the Night

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