What a crapfest! The judges DID end up using their save this week. Before Jessica Sanchez could make it through a single verse of "Nobody's Supposed to be Here," tangerine dream Jennifer Lopez had stormed the stage. "Gimme that mic!" she snapped. "Shall we dance?" she continued. "Why didn't all you bitches watch ¡Q'Viva!?"
Randy Jackson stepped in. "We are saving Jessica without any doubt," he announced. "This girl is one of the best singers in America. Are you kidding me? Everybody please vote for the best."
"Are you kidding me?" said the sparkly tongue-sticking-out emoticon pin on Randy's lapel. "Let the people do what they want. <3 <3 <3."
Ugh, it was all so staged! To make matters worse, we'd already been warned that this charade was about to happen.
"We're gonna use our card tonight, especially with an outcome like this," Steven Tyler had assured Ryan once the shocking bottom three -- Jessica, Joshua Ledet, and Elise Testone -- had been announced. Could have used a spoiler alert there Steven! That tinkling sound you hear behind you is bits of evil gargoyle overlord Nigel Lythgoe's granite teeth crumbling to the floor from over-clenching. Just beautiful.
Anyway, the judges saved Jessica. Not surprising. Ryan Seacrest carried on his annual tradition of separating the top and bottom three contestants and then making the only officially "safe" person -- Skylar Laine -- "pick the group you think you belong with." Skylar promptly marched over to the couches and refused, but Ryan's meaty grip got her in the end. Turned out Hollie Cavanagh, Phillip Phillips, and Colton Dixon were safe this week.
Jimmy Iovine had predicted Hollie, Phillip, and Elise for the bottom three. After Joshua and Jessica landed there instead, Jimmy growled, "I'm gonna get a new flat-screen." So you can…see everyone better? Great plan. Best wishes to Sebastian the crab on his continued wealth.
NEXT: James Durbin and Jennifer Hudson come back to where it all began