American Idol recap: Nobody Dies (Or Sings)

The Hollywood Week hopefuls try not to kill each other with their conflicting personalities and infectious diseases
Ep. 09 | Aired Feb 9, 2012

CONTAGION A deadly virus from a tent-dwelling Outbreak monkey swept the 'American Idol' doom dome.

Fox

I guess we all died inside a little, but nobody officially lost his or her life on last night's episode. Symone Black? Still alive. Just dehydrated. Fell off the stage and got right back up again. Tent Girl, Gabrielle of the Bettys, Christian Triplehead (pictured at right), and Phillip Kidney Stones? They're just doubled over in pain and vomiting into huge plastic bags. Everyone's miserable, but nobody's dead. Big win for American Idol!

Unfortunately, nobody sang either. But who needs talent and purpose on a reality show when there's a big ol' police officer bully screaming at everyone (mostly the camera) to pay attention to her?

Much of the episode followed the failed exploits of professional peace-disturber Alicia "The Worst" Bernhart as she tried to get all the children in the auditorium to sing "Joy to the World" with her. But those young bullfrogs knew better. That's just an overplayed Christmas song! Ha. Ha. I'm so bored even going over this. Anyway, this dumptruck Alicia kept roaming around bellowing at people, "DO YOU LIKE COPS?" Cops are fine, beast, they just don't like you!

Poor Amy Brumfield was the first one to get sick. She was so far from her home-woods, craving the kind of fresh air that only living in a tent can provide. Eventually the delirium broke and she found a group in some stragglers desperate to get away from The Worst. One of them threatened, "Don't get me sick. That's the rule," and then promptly picked the feverish Amy up and swung her around. WTF?

Puddy-faced Berkeley frat boy Kyle Crews and America's sweetheart (I don't know -- I just have a feeling she will be) Shannon Magrane had to work with the viciously bossy Brielle Von Hugel and Brielle's momager, who provided color commentary no one wanted to hear to the camera from a few feet away. We saw Brielle audition last season, and she made it through the group round with Pia Toscano. I liked her because she didn't wear a ton of makeup and because her good-humored dad had survived cancer. Now she just seems like a meanie and her mom is obnoxious. Oh well.

NEXT: Sleep is for the weak and the infected

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