Poor Erika Van Pelt. The clear-voiced mobile DJ went all out on American Idol and all she got was this lousy Kris Jenner haircut. (I said I liked it yesterday, but everything looks different now.) Erika just never had a proper Idol moment on the live stage, and she's not a tiny teen. I think it boils down to that. The tiny teens will overtake us all. They're outside your window, waiting to strike, right now. You just can't see them because they're so young, and quick, and relevant. Pinch yourself. Are you even there? You may have become obsolete just reading this.
Heejun Han and DeAndre Brackensick joined Erika in the bottom three. The Hair Up There was a tepid mess Wednesday night, but Heejun, who wore "I've given up" track pants for the results show, should have been the one to go home.
Jimmy Iovine hammered home Steven Tyler's "wake up call" remarks to Heejun from Wednesday in his taped comments, comparing Heejun's clownish performance of "My Life" to "four minutes of a bad Adam Sandler movie that goes straight to DVD." Heejun, shown in the corner of the screen during Jimmy's rant, was all "So what, Adam Sandler is awesome, you bitches still can't faze me!" But Jimmy threw it down. "Interscope has to spend a lot of money on someone who wins the show, and that's not it."
Seacrest asked Heejun to respond, and the class clown offered two confounding non-clarifications for his behavior. 1) "When I was ripping the clothes off, it was a metaphor for who I really am," and 2) "I'm not trying to be a star. I'm just really happy where I am, so…."
It's to Erika's credit that she didn't slap him here, knowing she was probably headed home in a few minutes instead of this bleary-eyed prankster who'd just announced he wasn't too interested in a singing career after all. Oh honey. That attitude simply will not fly, especially when you work with kids in J. Lo's native Bronx. "You shouldn't sell yourself short. You should teach those kids they can be stars, too," Jenny sweetly reminded Heejun, her "superpink" gown blowing up a giant bubble of disappointment that soon encapsulated all three judges. Ryan had to cut to commercial and then pop the bubble with one of Randy's spare pins.
Psssssst. J. Lo. Heejun Han is not a star!!!
Here is a star.
THIS! Is American Idol. No, seriously, this is practically the logo for the show, but way better. Haley Reinhart is a badass bitch.
NEXT: Huh-huh-huh-Haley and the Barettes