Short version of my Top 4 performance night recap: The judges let out a huuuuuuge group fart and then walked away. Except for Mariah, who remained seated. Dahling.
Long version: The judges claimed Angie Miller won the night, criticized Candice Glover for being old-fashioned, and demanded more from Kree Harrison — beautiful vocals are not enough. Meanwhile, Amber Holcomb is the girl Nicki Minaj would most like to be friends with, even though she called her "Angie" within seconds of announcing this. You know -- just in case you were on the edge of your seat wondering whom to vote for in this singing competition.
You know what? I just went through my notes -- oh, the trauma! -- and the judging was SO absurd tonight that I'm going to keep an official tally of lies throughout the recap. Here we go.
Amber Holcomb, Celine Dion's "The Power of Love": While she hit a few pretty high notes, Amber is not the unbelievable vocal thriller the judges are making her out to be. After calling the 18-year-old "a big sexy glass of milk" and requesting a moment of silence for how beautiful the milk looked, Nicki called Amber's standing-still cover of a 1990's hit "so current." (1)
And she felt like she was at Amber's concert: "You don't even feel like a contestant anymore." (2)
Mariah agreed: "You took a classic song and gave it flavor." (3) Over in his offstage hideaway, Jimmy Iovine admitted he heard a strain on the top end of Amber's voice. "But I have to say," he clarified, "That song is going to be very difficult to beat." (4)
Four whoppers already! And we're just getting started.
Candice Glover, Drake's "Find Your Love": Still starstruck over a year after she met the rapper, Candice delivered a slowed-down, jazzy interpretation of Drake's single. But instead of acknowledging the original twist Candice had put on the song, the judges pigeonholed it as old-fashioned and too church-like…and then had the audacity to claim they didn't want viewers to feel that way! "A big part of me wished you would have stuck to the melody," said Nicki. "I don't want people to start seeing you as an old-fashioned artist." (5) Randy reminded Candice that not every phrase needs a run (as IF that's what she does!) and claimed, "I don't want people to think, 'There goes that church girl.'" (6)
Mariah, on the other hand, appreciated the adult contemporary spin, and Keith complimented Candice's continuing quest to find herself.
NEXT: Nicki declares Kree 'NOT Top 4-worthy'