Sure, this episode featured possibly the worst performance ever on American Idol. But might it also have God's-gifted us the very, very best? CANDICE. FREAKING. GLOVER. You know when Mariah Carey throws glitter on someone instead of giving her a hug (can't touch the commoners, dahling) that you've witnessed something truly special. Let's dive in.
THE BACHARACH/DAVID CATALOG
Angie Miller, "Anyone Who Had a Heart": Despite some mightily pleading eyes on the line "Oh what am I to do" (and others), there was little genuine connection on Angie's first number, and the judges wanted more passion. "You can make it look and feel too easy, and I'm missing the humanity in there," said Keith. I too felt like this was missing something. I was lazily googling the "hilarious and embarrassing videos on YouTube" that Angie does with her best friend, and basically lost interest in that and in this performance at the same time. Angie gets some costuming points, though, as I was mildly intrigued by the diagonal boob-belt extending from the regular belt on Angie's burgundy dress.
"Maybe this just isn't a song you're passionate about," suggested Nicki Minaj. Bingo!
Amber Holcomb, "I Say A Little Prayer": "WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED RIGHT NOW?" demanded Nicki, in her turn-one-sentence-into-seven way. I was a bit confused -- she seemed too excited to be bringing up the fact that Amber had messed up some of the lines. But no! Amber is Nicki's new favorite. Hmmm.
You know, I love the quality of Amber's voice, and I'm glad she had fun here, but I wasn't totally feeling it! I get why they think she's so marketable, but I still don't quite know what "You're just…being Amber" really means. It feels forced. Am I missing some signature quality she has to her beyond "smiley" and "crystal-clear voice"? Maybe I just wasn't into the '70s pantsuit.
Amber: "It's like a shrimp popsicle, because it's frozen. But then when you put it in your mouth, it's not frozen anymore." Just let that roll around in your mind for a while. Do you taste the delicious seafood yet? Me neither, though I totally respect anyone's bizarre food habits, no matter what they are. And just so this paragraph is not a complete waste of time (too late for that!), I highly recommend doing the "popsicle" thing with lychees. Just go to any yogurt buffet and stock up. Get the biggest cup size they have and it's a party in your mouth for hours. You can thank me never.
NEXT: Lazaro fails again