'American Horror Story' recap: Hard Times For Hideous Men

Were you expecting Stan's creepy chronicle of Montgomery degeneracy to explain how The Victorian itself became a cage for souls killed there? I was. But unless there’s more to the story, the property’s paranormal properties remain a mystery. Theory! It’s the land itself, not the structure, that’s supernatural. Is the house built on one of those Native America burial grounds, a la Poltergeist or The Shining? (More on this in a second.) Then again: What if Stan’s history lesson was wrong? How does he know what happened, anyway? After all: No eyewitnesses. Just like the Goldman/Brown murders.

While The Victorian’s current occupants were fixated on digging up its past, the previous residents and its timeless servant were shoring up its future. But first, conspirators Constance, Larry and Moira had to learn how to play nice together. Larry’s meeting with Constance didn’t start well. She had stopped being impressed with her Beau-killing white knight long ago. “I love you,” he said. “Yuck!” she replied, repulsed by the sight of his melted face. “You’re disgusting. You’re weak. You let this house do this to you.” She told him to stop skulking around the neighborhood and cease peeping in her windows or else she was going to sick her himbo handyman on him. She changed her tune when Larry told her that Eskandarian intended to tear down The Victorian. “Who knows what will happen to all the ones who reside in here?” Larry said. Terrified of losing her children yet again, Constance agreed to help him take action.

Constance went to Joe’s Beverly Hills mansion and tried to bully him into giving up his ambitions. She gave him a speech about the folly of man, and she laid it on thick and somewhat obtuse. And I’m telling you, if American Horror Story really does pull a Poltergeist and really does reveal that the house is built on the accursed, blood-soaked sacred ground of an ancient indigenous people, we’ll look back on Constance’s conspicuously worded oratory as a treasure trove of clues. “People came here to escape their past. To find a plot of land that not even a red Indian had set foot on and make new life,” Constance said. “But there aren’t any more virgin plots. We live on top of each other now. That’s California. And that’s the world. There is no more space, and yet it’s human nature to want to claim your own turf. …  Everytime you put up one of these monstrous temples to the gods of Travertine, you build on top of someone else’s life. … You’re not an archaeologist. You should stop unearthing while you’re ahead. It only brings a haunting. We have a responsibility as caretakers to the old lands to show some respect.”

Joe wasn’t going for it. He considered himself a new model American dreamer, one building a new future for himself and all of us. Alas, Joe’s brave new world blows for women. “There are three reasons I deal with women: Sex, money, and making me sandwiches,” said the charmer. “And unless you’re planning to go into my kitchen and start slapping some ham between two slices of bread, this conversation is over.” Constance bristled. “One day your time is going to end,” she spat, “and they’ll be building on top of you, too.” But Joe Eskandarian, embodiment of dirty rotten patriarchy, just waved the witch away and ascended his spiral stairwell, a wannabe Titan retiring to his marble Olympus.

The coup went down like this.

Late one night, Moira summoned Joe for some candlestick polishing. As this satisfied one of his conditions for female fraternization, and because Moira gave it like no other woman anywhere in the world had given it to him, Joe hustled over lickity-split. Moira guided him into The Victorian's underworld. The eager beaver Armenian quickly threw down his pants. He was ready, and Moira got crackin’. We watched Joe as he made one of those squishy-smiley faces… and then we watched Joe make one of those squishy-crying faces. Chomp! Sorry: CHOMP! Because ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit to you that Moira did more than that bite Mr. Misogyny  – she John Wayne Bobbitted him. It was an old school Cronos-castrating-Uranus Titanomachy. Joe screamed. Larry silenced him by hooding his head with a plastic bag. As Joe faded away into The Undiscovered Country, he saw his seducer-assassin through the scrim of the plastic – and he saw her as Moira Sr., not Moira Jr. The hideous man had finally gained the eyes to see into the soul of a woman. He watched Moira wipe her mouth of his manhood, and then blacked out.

“Make sure he’s off the property before he expires,” Constance said. “I wouldn’t care to encounter his carcass ever again.”

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"Open House" ended with a thaw on the cold war between Violet and Vivien. They spoke of Ben, and Vivien told Violet that she really did love the man once. Violet -- thinking of Tate -- asked her mother how she knew she was in love. "You kind of go crazy and the whole world feels different and then you realize you’ll do anything for the other person," Constance said. Yep: Sounds like people know. Then Vivien saw the old photos of The Victorian, as well a picture of Norah Montgomery. Vivien recognized her as the woman who disappeared from her kitchen a few episodes ago. The epiphany left her chilled. I wonder if the photographs have more secrets to show us in future episodes. Just as I wonder if we'll get more info soon about Tate's father. "My life would be a lot different if I had a dad like you," Tate told Ben. (Really?) So many questions, so much more to explore as American Horror Story enters the back half of its first season. The message boards await your questions, theories and analysis. (And apologies for the delay in posting today: Currently traveling for work. Lame hotel Internet. Room service hamburger heartburn. Sorry.)

Twitter: @EWDocJensen

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