Image credit: Michele K. Short/FX
THE GOOD BOOK Patti LuPone made her first appearance as religious neighbor Joan. Denis O'Hare made another appearance as Spalding, who still looks like Iggy Pop in an alternate universe where Iggy Pop was a wedding usher.
Zoe decided to visit the recently undeceased Kyle's mother. She discovered a bohemian gal with a front-braid, generous with her weed. (Mrs. Spencer was played by Mare Winningham, who played a bizarrely similar role -- Mom With A Secret -- in one episode of Under the Dome, a show that is worse in every way than American Horror Story except for the way that involves having a Dome.) Mrs. Spencer had actually been one centimeter from cradling her neck in a hangman's noose when Zoe called. (Mondays, amiright?) The mom didn't believe in an afterlife, but Zoe assured her she didn't have to: "I'm sure Kyle has not left us."
Back at Miss Robichaux's, a hot six-pack with a head attached was moving into the house next door. The six-pack's name was Luke or Duke or Klute or something. The girls caught a gander and started talking boys. Nan assured them that she was not a virgin; Queenie proclaimed that she was saving herself. (When someone says they are "saving themselves" in the context of sex on a Ryan Murphy show, it's the equivalent of a character announcing "This gun is loaded! Loaded gun here! Hope nobody fires this loaded gun!" in a Chekhov play.)
Upstairs, the Madame LaLaurie made a terrifying discovery. A black man had been elected President. Of the United States. Of America. "I voted for him twice," said Fiona. "Lies!" screamed the Madame, which in Kathy Bates' voice came out as "Liiiieeeeessss," and sounded a bit like Shelob the Spider quoting Clay Davis. Fiona declared Madame LaLaurie the new maid. But the Madame refused to serve Queenie. This led Fiona to declare some frontier justice: "You are gonna be Queenie's personal slave." Fiona might be a homicidal egomaniacal sociopath with Borderline personality disorder who occasionally leeches the life out of innocent people, but she does have one redeeming quality: "There is nothing I hate more than a racist."
Meanwhile, at the Reanimated Frankenstein Boyfriend Healing Facility/Bayou Outpost of the Stevie Nicks Fanclub, Misty was half-spooning Kyle and singing along to Fleetwood Mac's "Sara." Misty explained how Stevie Nicks only found herself when she found the band, that "you can't be your best self unless you find your tribe." This brings up the possibility that this whole season of American Horror Story: Coven is actually just a highly symbolic retelling of the life of Stevie Nicks, sort of like what I'm Not There was for Bob Dylan or what Spring Breakers was for Britney Spears.
Zoe came by to pick up Hottie Frankenstein. Misty freaked out. Misty wanted him to stay. Misty wanted Zoe to stay. Misty just wants a friend so bad, you guys. She wound up dancing by herself to Fleetwood Mac in a shack in the middle of the woods; I can't think of anything lonelier, except maybe listening to Sigur Ros and watching Breakfast at Tiffany's surrounded by your cats on a spaceship after the earth blows up
Back at Miss Robichaux's, the girls decided to get neighborly. So Nan spent a few hours baking her very best sweet treat, and Madison threw on a dress that was so short you'd think legs had just been invented. The six-pack with the face answered the door. He didn't know who Madison was: "We don't have TV or internet," he explained, making him the single weirdest person to ever appear on an episode of American Horror Story. His mom appeared. His mom is named Joan, and is played by Patti LuPone, who has won significantly more Tonys than you. (IMPORTANT NOTE: She was nominated for a Tony in 1993 for playing Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard.)
Joan asked the girls if they had heard about Jesus, leading Madison to declare that that whole thing -- religion, Christianity, The Passion of the Christ -- was claptrap. "Why wait for some phony happily-ever-after?" she asked. (This could be a key question for this whole season, which is filled with characters who A) are trying to avoid death, and B) have already experienced death.) There was a telekinetic altercation with a knife, and then Madison set the curtains afire -- she didn't even know she could do that.
NEXT: Bad news from the doctors