American Horror Story recap: On the Mystical Properties of Benadryl

Gardening tools are used for various things, none of which involve gardening
Ep. 11 | Aired Jan 15, 2014

I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD Zoe and Kyle, recalling the old days when they were sort of important almost

Michele K. Short/FX

Delphine gave Spalding the terrifying package he so wanted: A limited-edition Dream Baby from 1895, so expensive that Delphine had to sell half the silver in the house. In return, Spalding told Delphine the secret to turning an immortal voodoo queen into a mortal: Dissolve some Benadryl capsules in her drink. "Bena-" began Delphine. "NEVER SPEAK IT ALOUD!" said Spalding. This was funny. It also didn't really seem outside the realm of possibility. When I was a kid, I had terrible allergies, so I speak from experience: Benadryl is dark magic.

In the garden, Myrtle was once again playing her theremin. Zoe walked in. Off the top of my head, I can't remember if these two characters have ever met before. I guess maybe Myrtle interrogated Zoe, back when Myrtle was on the Witches' Council, back when there was a Witches' Council? Anyhow. Myrtle could tell Zoe really wuvved Kyle. She wanted all the best for those two crazy kids. So she gave Zoe a Sapphire and Topaz Harvester Ant to hock for change, and two tickets to Epcot. She told Zoe to run, run away. When Zoe insisted she wasn't leaving, Myrtle slapped her and told her to say yes to love. Myrtle was loved once, by a man Egon von Fürstenberg. Sure, it didn't work out. But Egon married Diane, and she invented the wrap dress, and at a certain point in this scene I just started listening to the mellifluous tones of Frances Conroy spouting her woozy insanity. I couldn't for the life of me tell you what the point of Myrtle is, but every scene with her just skyrockets. She's like a theremin made of thujone, which makes as little sense as Myrtle.

Marie and Fiona held a meeting with their enemies from the Delphi Corporation. The Witch Hunters had a plan: They'd give the Coven lots of money, get Wall Street off their back, and then kill the witches. The witches had a simpler plan: Chop the Witch Hunters up with axes, then celebrate with a food tasting at Emeril's house. The meeting got off to a good start, when Fiona ordered a filthy martini and Marie ordered a Diet Sprite. They negotiated. The Witch Hunters wanted a hundred years of peace. Marie wanted a private jet. The Delphi boys laughed at that. Then the Axeman pulled out his axe and they stopped laughing, on account of the axe in their heads.

To his credit, Harrison Renard played it cool. He poured himself some coffee and told the witches they had a good plan. "You Harvard men," said Fiona, "Charming to the end." Responded Harrison: "Yale, actually." There's a difference? Marie didn't think so. She swung the axe right into his neck. "I love you more than jazz, baby doll," said the Axeman. I was sort of hoping that he'd pull out his saxophone and Trombone Shorty would parachute in with his trombone and everyone would spend five minutes dancing around the corpses. It didn't happen, but there are still two episodes left.

Back at Miss Robichaux's, Delphine mixed some Benadryl in Marie's French 75 and tried to end her with a knife. It didn't work. "You stupid rube!" said Marie, pulling the knife out of her heart, "That ain't magic! It's a antihistamine!" But Marie was walloped in the head by Spalding, who admitted that he really just wanted her out of the house, and recommended that Delphine bury her. (If you're keeping track, that means that by this time next week two regular cast members on American Horror Story: Coven will be buried alive.) Meanwhile, upstairs, Spalding the Ghost settled into his dollhouse attic. He dressed up Marie's stolen baby in doll clothes and said, "Finally, a living doll!" (Here's something to chew over: Spalding, one of the only men on the show's lead cast, is also the only character who has ever really shown a maternal instinct.)

And then it was back to Zoe, who begged Kyle to get packed so they wouldn't miss the bus to Orlando. Kyle refused. He didn't want to go. He was scared of himself, and what he might do to Zoe. Zoe wasn't scared of him. You thought for a second that Kyle might freak out, might hurt her...but no. They got packed. The ran for the bus. You thought for a second that they'd get on the bus, drive away...and then the bus would topple over, revealing Madison down the road, once again using her telekinesis to cause massive automotive homicide. But no. The episode ended with the witch and the Frankenstein getting on the bus, to the tune of weird dance music.

Are they going to come back? Presumably. Or maybe not. The first season of American Horror Story banished Denis O'Hare's burn-victim murderer to prison in episode 10 and never looked back. Similarly, episode 10 of Asylum took my favorite Will They Or Won't They couple ever -- the Secret Nazi Doctor and the Satan-Possessed Nympho Nun -- and sent them both into the fire. Being really honest here, Zoe and Kyle are two of the least extreme personalities currently inhabiting Coven's witch-o-sphere. Maybe the American Horror Story gods wanted to give some iteration of Taissa Farmiga and Evan Peters a happy ending. Or maybe the next episode will begin with both of their corpses burning in the wreckage of the Orlando bus.

But let's get down to the real business here, people. Back in November, AHS co-creator Ryan Murphy told our very own Tim Stack that hints for season 4 would officially start dropping in episode 11. Yesterday, Murphy offered a couple more hints: American 4or Story will take place in 1950, and Jessica Lange is (oh thank you, zombie Jesus) already working on her German accent. Murphy also said, "If you look historically what happened in the year 1950, there’s some more clues in that year." So what could it all mean?

NEXT: What it could all mean

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