Image credit: Michele K. Short/FX
DRAW A LINE After four decades of peace, Marie launches an attack on the Salem Coven. There are snakes involved.
At Miss Robichaux's, Queenie awoke to an apologetic LaLaurie, who couldn't quite find the words to thank the youngster for saving her life. This optimistic interlude was immediately interrupted by Nan, who walked in and quoted Poltergeist: "They're here." The "they" in question is none other than the Council of Witches, a power trio, assembled only under the greatest circumstances, with a mandatory excessive-costume-design requirement. Myrtle Snow we've met before, when she shepherded Zoe to Miss Robichaux's: Red hair, English Professor-vibe, a dress with roses on it.
She was joined by two compatriots. Cecily is a buttoned-up straight-arrow, played by returning AHS supporting player Robin Bartlett. (She played the new administrator in Asylum's asylum in the penultimate episode. In her Coven reincarnation, she would once again sit across the table from a madwoman with Jessica Lange's face.) And there was Quentin, a small man with an excellent hat and a voice that makes him sound like a cross between Paula Deen and the Yes Guy.
The Council, here at Miss Robichaux's! Delia knew she had to play it cool. The conversation played out like this:
Delia: I had no idea the Council would be joining us today!
The Council: Well, we were called here because something very bad has happened.
Delia: I know. The assault on Queenie last night. Terrible.
The Council: Bwwwaaahhhhhhh?
Delia: Oh, err, yes. She was attacked by something not altogether human. Really shocking stuff.
The Council: Well, we're not here because of that. We're here because of something even worse.
Delia: I know, I know. I should have never gone to see Marie Laveau.
The Council: Bwwwaaaahhhhh?
Delia: Darn it! Um, well, okay, so yes, I did pay a visit to one of our most powerful enemies. But in my defense, I am completely incompetent.
The Council: Well, that is also not why we're here.
Delia: Those parking tickets? I can pay those! My husband's got a big contract in Baton Rouge? Have you heard of Phil Underwood?
Fiona waltzed in, told her daughter to shut up, and said hello to the Council. She said Myrtle was developing a sense of style, in a tone of voice that suggested profound and aggressive disinterest. She congratulated Quentin on owning the bestseller list, and reminded him which witch got him there. She stared at Cecily for about a second. (ASIDE: I think she called Cecily "Pembroke," but in the press notes that character is called Cecily. Let's compromise and call her The Other One. END OF ASIDE.)
The Council informed Fiona that she had been summoned by one of Miss Robichaux's students: None other than Nan, Little Miss Knows-Too-Much, who also happens to be the easy-bet dark-horse candidate for twist-ending Supreme. Nan couldn't hear Madison in her head anymore: "I think she's dead." The Council began a serious inquisition into this: Myrtle cross-examining, Quentin offering witty commentary, The Other One typing it all away. (They looked to me like a variation on The Three, the mythological trio from Neil Gaiman's Sandman series who variously represent the Fates, the Furies, and the life cycle of a human being.)
The denizens of Miss Robichaux's weren't much help. Delia admitted that Madison usually went out for days on end, but noted that she'd had more luck than the Betty Ford center. Zoe was just in awe of Madison's charisma. Queenie offered up this nugget of wisdom: "Madison Montgomery is a stone-cold bitch who loves hard drinking, big d---s, and trouble. If she's dead, it's probably because she got wasted and offered the Grim Reaper a h-----b or something." (Oh, for a world where Queenie worked for the New York Times obituary section!) Nan was much more helpful, though. She told the Council Madison had pyrokinetic powers. And she told them who else knew about it, too.
Back at the Sex-Having Hotel, Delia's husband was chatting with Cayleigh. She had bought some soup from a vending machine, a notion that filled her with absolute delight. "In my town, all you can get from a vending machine is Pop and Reese's," she said. Hank the Happy Husband told her all about the faraway land of San Diego, where you can purchase sushi in a vending machine.
Adorable young Khehlee found this magical. She always wanted to visit San Diego, see the zoo, get bored, see the zoo again. She thought Hank was a USDA agent. "They call us inspectors, not agents," he lied. Kehlli thought this was even cooler. She said, "To think I found you in an online community dedicated to collecting Thomas Kinkade paintings!" which I guarantee is not the saddest thing a girl has ever said to a boy she met online. ("To think I found you in an online community dedicated to collecting Thomas Kinkade forgeries!" would be much sadder.)
We learned some intriguing things about Ol' Hank. The lovely young redhead told him that he was a smooth one: "You knew you had me before I even responded." Could it be that he has some heretofore-unrevealed mystical power? Or is he just a homicidal psycho douche grenade? Evidence for the latter came swiftly. He joked about being like James Bond. Kaylee laughed, and then a sad look crossed her face. "I really like you," she said. "Is that a problem?" he sneered. "It is if you're gonna break my heart," she said, pleading as openly as a single gal can.
She closed her eyes, and he shot her through the head with a silenced pistol.
So many questions out of this. How long has Hank been playing the murderous-cuckold game on his wife? Is this a new development, after their vaguely Satanic fertility sex? Or is this a years-long hobby? Certainly, that silencer looked professional. Is he a serial killer? Or was all that James Bond stuff right on point: Is Hank keeping some kind of secret from his wife about his professional life? Did Coven just deconstruct the whole James Bond myth, arguing that the rise of internet dating is really just an excuse for single dudes to act even worse towards women than they have throughout history?
NEXT: Flashback time!