'The Amazing Race' recap: Joan of Arc is Not That Guy Who Saved All those Animals

The Champagne province of northeastern France has seen its share of great battles. Way back in year 451, the Romans, the Visigoths, and the Franks did a superhero team-up to defeat Attila and his Fighting Huns. A thousand years later, France and England fought over Champagne; a century after that, the region saw a knock-down drag-out fight between the Catholics and the Huguenots. On last night's episode of The Amazing Race, Champagne was the setting of still another great conflict: the terrifying battle between Team Newly Dating and Team Dating Models to decide who would be the most blockheaded pair of human beings in the history of traveling.

Okay, I'm being a little bit harsh on Jordan and Jeff. The dearly departed CBS Reality All-Stars never seemed to find any traction on Race, but at least they had a robust sense of humor. When Jordan kept on insisting that Joan of Arc was the man who built a ship for the animals, Jeff softly said, ''That was Noah,'' and followed that up with a Jim Halpert-esque wink to us viewers: ''I wonder why we're in last.'' Sure, the Big Brother couple had a minor touch of travel ADD. In this episode, we saw them get distracted by some kind of S&M fashion shop, which is probably just the French version of Macy's. But it was the first time that Jordan ever traveled outside of America (and perhaps outside, period). Who can blame them for being a bit overwhelmed?

You know who's not overwhelmed? The freakin' Detectives. Riding high off of two straight first-place finishes, Louie and Michael were feeling fat and sassy when they started the day at 7:47 am. Louie: ''The other teams are like chickens with their heads cut off.'' Michael: ''We're gonna own this continent.'' (Careful, Michael, you're not the first guy to say that.) The first instruction was pretty straightforward. The teams had to drive 37 miles to Reims, France, a city liberated by Joan of Arc. There, they had to find a statue of Saint Joan in front of a Gothic cathedral, where a lady playing a singing saw would hand them their next clue. (If you're like me, your first question was: Wait, since when can saws sing?)

Steve and Allie were the next to leave. Last night's episode finally illuminated the secret genius of their team: Steve is insanely good at doing absolutely everything, and Allie is extremely good at staring blankly into space and saying mouth-words. Allie: ''Maybe Jeanne d'Arc is actually Arc de Joan, like Arc de Triomphe is Ark of… Triomphe.'' Jet and Cord talked adorably about trying to find a 7-11 in Verdun to ask for directions; Brandy and Carol talked adorably about the wonders of French living. ''Little country house here. Little flat in Paris,'' said Brandy. Dear Bravo: I've got a charming fish-out-of-water reality show for you!

Quick Trivia: How do you pronounce Reims? The Detectives called it ''Reems,'' the Cowboys called it ''Rayms,'' and the Brent & Caite Toxic Revolution called it ''Rems.'' (The answer, according to my sources, is actually ''Rance.'')

NEXT: And who's that dude Joan of Arc?

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