Image credit: CBS
GELLIN' Danny struggles to measure a small section of our flat Earth under the contemptuous gaze of Magellan.
As the Beards and the Oklahomies (yay/nay?) arrive for their connection in Madrid and the four fake-married racers (Leo, Jamal, Ally and Ashley) have a romantic layover in London, ER docs Nicole and Travis, babies Jason and Amy, and the Baseball Wive$ land in Lisbon first and make their way to Martim Moniz Square, where a singing lady in a red dress (who looks a lot like the flamenco dancer emoji) is so committed to her craft that she won't stop wailing as she hands the contestants their giant prints of old-fashioned coaches.
To the National Coach Museum, racers! It's almost too easy; the local Portuguese know and love their coaches. In a DETOUR, teams must choose between Tiles and Miles. In Miles, under the spiteful gaze of a Ferdinand Magellan impersonator who should get a major raise for playing the role with such unexpected and hilarious contempt, teams must use a giant navigation instrument to measure the total distance the surly explorer sailed to 10 destinations.
Nicole, Travis, Jason, and Amy work together as onlookers crowd the map. It's a little like the '90s TV series Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego, except if The Chief were on hand in Lisbon, she'd have instantly cleared the map of pesky world-blockers with just a few carefully chosen stern words delivered from her desk. Magellan, however, is not deterring the riff raff at all. He'd probably invited them, to help distract the wobbly Americans who were sullying up his pristine sea routes. But the first four smarties have no problem doing simple math and remembering that the Earth was round, even all those years ago. They move on.
Tim and Danny overcome an initial "brain fart," the evil gaze of Magellan, and a dang forgotten zero to very impressively win their next clue. Magellan has to pause and recalibrate himself over the course of a painfully long blink, so wounded is he by the general stupidity of others.
But Magellan has zero tolerance for the "Afghanimals," eventually ripping up more than one of his own papers in sheer disgust after they'd wondered aloud "Do you think he might have gone through the Panama Canal?" and offering an absurdly high mile count to the long-suffering explorer. Magellan didn't have time for that bullish*t. He didn't know what the Panama Canal even was.
NEXT: Another handsome knight kneels down for Pinky's torture