Image credit: Douglas Gorenstein/NBC
THIS PHOTO IS BEGGING FOR A DIRTY CAPTION But I don't take to begging (Hear that, Brande!)
3. Trace Adkins Has Balls
The project this week was a first for the show as it involved seeing who could come up with the most sexually suggestive way to incorporate the word “balls” into a sentence. And the results are in! Let’s take a look at the top four finishers.
4th Place: “Can you tell me about your balls?” — Random woman at Team Power restaurant
I like this one: It’s succinct and to the point. This woman clearly wants to know what she’s in for before she progresses any further. Nothing wrong with getting a testimonial before purchasing the goods…if you know what I’m sayin’. (P.S. I don’t know what I'm sayin’.)
3rd Place: “We really enjoyed tasting both of your meatballs.” — Kelly Ripa
Now, this is interesting. We really enjoyed tasting both of your meatballs. WE! Damn, Kelly Ripa is one freak-e-deak! And who is the other person in the we? Husband Mark Consuelos? Co-host Michael Strahan? Either way — you go, girl!
2nd Place: “Some of your balls are a little lopsided.” — Claudia Jordan to Bret Michaels
Okay, that’s just rude. First off, how many balls is she implying Bret Michaels has? And to then call them lopsided? I suppose every rose truly does have its thorn. (P.S. I don’t know what I’m saying here either.)
1st place: “I don’t care if you taste my meatballs and throw up.” —Trace Adkins
Is he talking specifically to a down-on-her-knees Brande Roderick? I have no idea, but after Clint Black insinuated he used Tide detergent as a lubricant for masturbation back in season 2 and now this, I’m starting to get the sense that country musicians are into some pretty weird stuff.
What? You say the actual project was to rack up as much money as possible selling meatballs? Okay, fine, but if you think producers didn’t design that challenge in the hopes of getting as many ridiculous “balls” comments in as possible, then I’ve got a Gary Busey Omaha Steaks Father’s Day package (complete with kite!) to sell you. And do you know how much restraint it took for me to not devote an entire paragraph to the fact that Penn Jillette spent a few minutes literally juggling his own balls?!? DON’T BLAME ME! IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!
4. Empty and Loving It
The most intriguing aspect of the task was Plan B Project Manager Trace Adkins’ unique strategy of not only not courting customers, but pretty much forbidding them from entering his store. He even put a sign on the front door saying “Closed for a private function.” Why would Trace do such a thing? Because he wanted to focus all his efforts on bringing in big hitters like Amy Grant, Valerie Bertinelli, and Celebrity Apprentice alum Niki Taylor. He didn’t want to even deal with Joe and Jane Six Pack. “We just opened,” he said while looking around the empty store. “There’s nobody here. And I couldn’t be happier.”
I love the all-in strategy. But would it work? Let’s head to the Boardroom and find out.
NEXT: Ivanka scores her first smackdown on the season