The Celebrity Apprentice season premiere recap: That's a Spicy Meatball!

In a task geared to make the contestants say the word "balls" as often as possible, Trace Adkins rides a dangerous strategy to victory
Ep. 01 | Aired Mar 3, 2013

THIS PHOTO IS BEGGING FOR A DIRTY CAPTION But I don't take to begging (Hear that, Brande!)

Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

1. The Worst Draft Choice of All Time
The season kicked off with contestants arriving at the Metropolitan Museum of Art to meet The Donald. Trump broke the ice with some patented nonsensical small talk, including his insightful remarks on the size of Lisa Rinna’s lips (“Lisa, those lips went down, Lisa. Way down. I like it so much better. I have to be honest with you. I respect that choice.”). In what would prove to be a running theme throughout the episode, the Trumpster also told Bret Michaels he made a “terrible mistake” coming back to play again, especially considering how strong the competition was. You mean competition like Gary Busey? Or Dennis Rodman? Or Claudia “No One Knows Who I Am And I Did Not Raise One Cent Last Time I Was On” Jordan? That competition?

Because there are more men (8) than women (6) this season, a battle of the sexes simply will not do. Instead, Trump made Bret and Trace draft players one at a time for their teams. Trace picked first and chose Penn Jillette. Quality pick. Can’t argue with it. Then it was Bret’s turn.

Ryan Leaf was drafted number two overall by the San Diego Chargers in 1998. Over four seasons, he threw 14 touchdowns and 36 interceptions, while racking up a career passer rating of 50.0. Since then, he has been arrested multiple times and is currently serving a seven-year prison sentence. He is generally considered the biggest debacle in the history of sports. When it comes to top draft picks, however, I still think Bret’s selection of Omarosa is worse. Because while Ryan Leaf may have been a screw-up of epic proportions, he did not make it his life’s mission to destroy the person who drafted him for the sole purpose of a little extra camera time.

I can only assume that Bret never watched Omarosa on the show or he would have picked Lil John, Marilu Henner, Dee Snider, hell even Gary Busey (!) before her. It was a massive mistake, if for no other reason than he would have to listen to Omarosa rapping before all was said and done.

2. On Your Knees If You Please
So the squads were formed and had to decide on team names. Bret’s team tried out various monikers highlighting their white and black attack, until Omarosa took it upon herself  to bust out some of the most unfortunate reality show rhymes since Mike Boogie left the Big Brother house. “I’m sittin’ in Trump Tower/ Tryin’ to get a little power/ And I am able to get fired/ Because I’m tired/ Of going in to fight every night in front of Trump.” Dope. And I don’t mean a dope rhyme. I mean dope. In any event, they went for Power. As for Trace’s team, they had many fantastic Busey suggestions at their fingertips (Sperm Farmers, Carrots, Bred Putting, Sanitation Engineers, etc…) but instead chose Plan B, which Busey pointed out worked well because it was also a method of birth control. (Hold on, is Gary Busey planning to impregnate someone? RUN, IVANKA!)

But why talk about team names when we can talk about Brande Roderick possibly offering oral sex to Bret Michaels?!? Am I embellishing? Well, all I know is Brande was begging Bret for something while bragging that “I have such big donors” (and I think we all know what the Playboy Playmate is referring to when she talks about her big donors). Then she got down on her knees in front of Bret — not the first woman to do so, I’m guessing — and begged some more. But the best part of the entire incident was Bret’s reaction to seeing Brande Roderick down on her knees in front of him — and prepare yourself, because this is a direct quote — “I think, Brande, that you are really jonesing for this.” DID YOU HEAR THAT? I think, Brande, that you are really jonesing for this. Amazing. Are we absolutely sure this is not Celebrity Apprentice: Skinemax Edition? Sounds like someone’s wasting no time busting out his patented Tour Bus Thrust!

NEXT: Trace Adkins doesn’t want your lousy business

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