The Celebrity Apprentice recap: I Wanna Be Your Dog

Gary shows off his bark, but will it make the LG executive’s tail wag?
Ep. 09 | Aired Apr 28, 2013

DOES NOT COMPUTE Gary's mechanical dog-themed ad was like stepping in a pile of…well, you know.

NBC

1. Three Point Plan
Have you ever noticed that the criteria for what the teams will be judged on for every single task is pretty much exactly the same every time? Instead of just saying “Whoever does a better job wins,” one of Trump’s children comes up with a phony baloney set of three points on which they will be judged. For instance, let’s listen to the instructions this week from Ivanka Trump, who truly lived up to her Boardroom Dominatrix persona by rocking a black leather skirt: “Your videos will be judged on the following criteria: creativity, integration of product knowledge, and overall presentation.”

First off, that is basically the same thing they are allegedly judged on every week. And secondly, it is complete B.S. If she was bring completely honest, Ivanka would have said, “Your videos will be judged on whatever criteria my father deems necessary to fire the person he wants off the show. Good luck!”

But I love the fact they introduce a fake checklist that they then don’t even bother to follow when judging the winners. What am I talking about? Well, consider this: Who made the better video? Clearly Lil Jon and Plan B, right? I mean, Gary Busey’s video featured shots of the back of a couch and his on-screen wife saying “I like to go slow and let nature take me,” which sounds like she either needs to go make a B.M. or borrow some of Clint Black’s Tide detergent to go masturbate.

Ah, but according to the rules they are not being judged on who made the better video, but rather on the following criteria: creativity, integration of product knowledge, and overall presentation. Let’s take those one by one.

CREATIVITY: His video was absurd and ridiculous, but no one can argue that Gary Busey transforming himself into a mechanical dog was less creative that Marilu welcoming her on-screen son home from college. Strictly in terms of being creative (as opposed to good) this one isn’t even close. WINNER: Plan B

INTEGRATION OF PRODUCT KNOWLEDGE: Busey’s team barely even showed the washer/dryer while Lil Jon made sure each device/appliance got their own money shot. WINNER: Power

OVERALL PRESENTATION: Didn’t adviser Joan Rivers go on and on about how amazing Gary Busey was while speaking about LG products during the presentation? And didn’t LG executive James Fishler go on and on about how amazing Plan B’s Penn Jillete was talking about being an early adopter and loving the LG products? And didn’t Fishler also make a point of saying how completely checked out Power’s Trace Adkins was, complaining that, “Trace only said hello and goodbye to me”? Okay, so judging by those comments you have to call this category as WINNER: Plan B.

So there you have it. Lil Jon’s team clearly had the much better video, but going by their own self-imposed criteria, LG and the advisers had no choice but to anoint Gary “Mechanical Dog” Busey the winner! After all, he won two out of the three things they were allegedly being judged on. Which just goes to show that the supposed criteria is all a complete joke. Which is absolutely perfect and another reason why I love this show above all others.

NEXT: Lisa wants to get kinky with a TV set

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