I have to assume that Donald Trump has fired a hell of a lot of people in his lifetime. And I have to assume it usually goes a little something like this. “You. Out. Now.”
But that’s not the way it happens on Celebrity Apprentice. Because Donald Trump loves celebrities! And it kills him to not be in their company. The fact that you have a guy on a show where the entire premise is firing people now having to fire people he has no interest in firing is the greatest combination of contradictory impulses in the history of mankind. And it makes every single Celebrity Apprentice firing a work of schizophrenic art.
Honestly, watching Donald Trump fire someone has become my favorite moment of every week, with kissing my children goodnight coming in a distant second. The entire thing ends up being one long ramble about how absolutely incredible the person is even as they are being fired for incompetence of some sort. Let’s consider this week’s firing of Stephen Baldwin. I hope you are sitting down, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, here it is. I give you Mr. Donald Trump.
“I have no question in my mind that I think you were both outstanding. I didn’t like the amazing. And you were the director, you should have put the product there. Stephen, you’re fired. Great job, Fantastic job. Gary, go back to your suite. Not easy. This was a tough one, Stephen. I’ll be honest. You did a really good job. And you should be proud of yourself. You should be very proud of yourself, Gary, get out of here. Go! Go, Gary! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! You did a great job, Stephen. You really did. I’m proud of you.”
How amazing is that? Trump doesn’t know whether to kiss Baldwin or kill him. And that’s pretty much the exact same shpiel every single week. Here’s the other thing I have noticed about the wildly entertaining and confusing send-offs: The worse a player actually is in this game (think Dennis Rodman, Daryl Strawberry, or La Toya Jackson) the more absurd and over-the-top Trump gets in his praise. Just think, have you ever heard Trump get effusive over Penn Jillette? I can already picture Trump’s firing of Gary Busey:
“Gary, you are an American treasure. Unbelievable. Everyone loves this guy. Am I right, Lisa?”
Lisa Rinna: “Yes, sir. He is an American treasure. Absolutely.”
“He sure is. American treasure. But Gary, I have to say — and I hate to say it — but the way you fell asleep during the task and then told the executives to go f--- themselves…I don’t know. Call me old fashioned, but it may have been a tad disrespectful. But the guy’s got spunk! Doesn’t he have spunk, Brande?”
Brande Roderick: “Yes, sir. Tons of spunk. Very spunky.”
“Very spunky! I just gotta say it — I love this guy! So sue me — I love him! But Gary, I do have to fire somebody. And as amazing as you have been on every single level, somebody has to go. Gary, you’re fired. Incredible job! You’re a top shelf guy, Gary. Don’t let anyone tell you different! Go. Get out of here. You’re the best. Leave. You’re superb. There’s the door. I love you. Now get out of here, you magnificent bastard!”
Good stuff, people. I never understand a single word of it. And yet I love it nonetheless. And now, without further ado, let’s get into the six other magical moments from this week’s episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice.
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