What?!? Another one-hour episode of Celebrity Apprentice? I don’t get it, doesn’t NBC have like, zero shows that anybody watches? Okay, that’s not fair. People totally watch The Voice. And they also watch…um…more The Voice? So if they have hours to spare when it comes to programming, why are they cutting my beloved Celebrity Apprentice down to a single hour? What, is Jimmy Fallon going to take over that extra hour too? I was especially upset to lose the extra time this week because…
“Hey, there. How’s it going?”
UGH! Eric Trump! What do you want?
“Well, I am one of the designated advisers on this week’s recap so I just wanted to stop by and see how everything is going?”
Fine. It’s just fine, Eric. Don’t you have some hair gel you need to be administering or something?
“No, I apply every hour on the hour. So, which paragraph would you say has been your biggest star so far?”
Well, I had only written one paragraph when you barged in, so there’s not a lot to choose from.
“Which paragraph has been your weakest?”
Again, I have only written one paragraph, so I don’t really know how I’m supposed to answer that.
“Interesting. Verrrrrrrry interesting.”
Look, I’m sorry, but you really are being a disruptive force. And unless you are the 10 pounds of hamburger I ordered as take-out for dinner, I’m going to have to ask you leave so I can get cranking on this recap.
“Well, I’ll have a lot to say about that in the Boardroom!”
It doesn’t matter, Eric. They’ll just edit you out like they do every week. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, let’s get to the six most magical moments from this week’s (abbreviated) All-Star Celebrity Apprentice!
1. Was Brande Roderick Drunk as a Skunk?
Go back and watch it. When Dennis Rodman and Lil Jon returned to the celebrity suite after not being fired by Donald Trump at the start of the episode, Brande starting freaking out in excitement. That’s to be expected considering Omarosa had just been jettisoned, but it was the way she was freaking out. There was a lot of slurring and talking much louder and slower than she realized she was talking. That is the one thing this show has sorely lacked ever since Rodman went AWOL during every single task back in season 2 — people getting hammered. Which is truly a shame because I have to believe that half of the Celebrity Apprentice viewing audience is completely sloshed. How do I know this? BECAUSE THEY ARE WATCHING CELEBRITY APPRENTICE!!! But I have a sneaky suspicion Brande may have been a bit sauced. Go back and watch it and tell me she hadn’t gone a little heavy on the Trump bubbly.
2. Melania (that is how you spell her name, right?) Madness
As soon as The Donald introduced his wife Melania, the race was on to see who would be the first person to say something completely inappropriate to/about the current Mrs. Trump. The early frontrunners were Gary Busey, Stephen Baldwin, Dennis Rodman, and…Donald Trump.
The contestants would be getting a heaping helping of Melania this week because the task involved coming up with a two-page advertisement, display and presentation for Melania’s new skin care line: Melania Caviar Complexe C6, which sounds like a cross between a computer program, something you’d buy at Whole Foods, and a hipster beard-sporting indie band from Williamsburg.
NEXT: Penn’s less than magical presentation