Image credit: Image Credit: Douglas Gorenstein/NBC
THE JORDAN RULES Claudia was in charge, but not even Lil Jon as Uncle Sam could save her
4. A Trace of Grumpiness
Was Trace Adkins always this surly? I certainly remember him getting irritated with Piers Morgan back on season 1, but he has resurfaced this season as a full-fledged Grumpysaurus. As I mentioned a few weeks back, I sat behind Trace on a promotional bus ride around Manhattan before the season started filming and the guy looked like so miserable I could have sworn he was already committing to memory different ways to kill himself.
It’s pretty much been the same story since the season kicked off. Make no mistake: I love grumpy Trace! He reminds me of my curmudgeonly stepfather who has a permanent frown plastered on his face as he tells you in depth all about his various ailments which includes, yes, lots of unnecessary and graphic information on his bowels. This week, Trace was not feeling Stephen’s proposed BioSilk tagline of “Live Life Luscious.” And he certainly wasn’t feeling being told by Stephen Baldwin that he washes his hair with lard. Perhaps not, but I was definitely feeling Stevie B when he busted out the night’s most unintentionally hilarious line with “Live Life Luscious is very big and broad and glamorous, and I’m in that world in the business I’m in now.” He’s right. When I think glamorous, the first image that pops to mind is that of Stephen Baldwin. Oh, wait, I’m getting another image now…. Oh, crap, it’s Carol Baldwin and Donald Trump again. UGH! And you — Clint Black! Step away from the detergent, sir!
Trace didn’t peg Baldwin as the glamorous type either. “Really?” he scoffed. “That’s news to me. That motherf---er ain’t marketed s---. Live Life Luscious is just a mouthful of crap.” So Trace wasn’t happy with Stephen’s tag line, but he was even less thrilled when Marilu picked his own line of “Experience Silk.” “I just pulled my pecker out and showed it to everybody,” Trace grumbled. Everybody? Really? No wonder Carol Baldwin is so randy.
Later, Trace also complained about having to go on top of the BioSilk truck to strum his guitar during the task: “I don’t know how I expect to go back to the music business with any shred of dignity.” Sorry, Trace, but dignity left town right around the time you signed up to appear on Celebrity Apprentice…the first time.
5. The Case of The Passed Gas
Adding to Trace’s woes, the country music singer was also an innocent bystander to what will hereby be known as “Fartgate.”
The Suspect: Lisa Rinna
The Accuser: Gary Busey
The Crime Scene: All-Star Celebrity Apprentice van
The Sound: Well…you know, kind of like a fart.
The Defense: Lisa blames the fart noise on a squeaky seat.
The Cross-Examination: Gary insists that, “This is what it sounds like when it is vegetarian farts.”
The Evidence: Gary claims to have possible access to a secret spray from a detective agency that turns the air around farts bright blue, yellow, and fuchsia.
The Verdict: “I can see fart gas,” rules Busey. “A lot of people can’t, but I can. Fart stands for Feeling a Rectal Transmission, and Lisa Linney is so good at that she couldn’t stop. She sounded like a symphony of farting trombones.”
The Confusion: Lisa’s last name is Rinna, not Linney.
The Victim: Trace Adkins, who had to sit by and endure this entire incident. No wonder he’s so grumpy.
NEXT: Donald Trump — R.I.P.