Image credit: Image Credit: Douglas Gorenstein/NBC
THE JORDAN RULES Claudia was in charge, but not even Lil Jon as Uncle Sam could save her
2. A Hair-Raising Experience
The teams gathered in the atrium at Trump Tower, which Donald then proceeded to describe as “one of the biggest and greatest tourist attractions in New York from the day it went up.” Say what?!? I live here and have never ever heard one single person go, “Hey, you know what we need to go check out? The atrium at Trump Tower.” You know why? Because nobody goes to check out the atrium at Trump Tower! I am sure it is very nice, but “one of the biggest and greatest tourist attractions in New York from the day it went up”? Hell, I didn’t realize it even was up.
But I am willing to forgive The Donald because it was followed by this excellent segue: “It’s been a tremendous success. Another tremendous success is Farouk Shami.” Damn straight! However, some of these square peg contestants simply couldn’t handle the heat that Farouk was throwing their way. After it was announced that they would be making interactive marketing campaigns with glass trucks to promote Farouk’s Chi and BioSilk product lines, the teams had to pick their Project Managers. For Team Power, Omarosa basically bullied Claudia into being PM, but the truly shocking display was happening over on Plan B as they searched for a task leader.
“What is Farouk Systems?” asked a clearly ignorant Stephen Baldwin.
“I don’t even understand anything he’s saying,” grumbled Trace Adkins.
“Me neither,” responded Gary Busey.
“I’ll take it,” Marilu Henner finally offered. “I have no idea what it is, but I’ll take it.”
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!? How dare to publicly dis and dismiss the Shami?!? When you criticize Farouk, do you know what else you’re criticizing? AMERICA! And let me tell you something, Stephen, Trace, Gary, and Marilu: These colors don’t run. USA! USA USA!
3. The Cheesiest Rap Ever
Mike Boogie from Big Brother has always been the standard-bearer when it comes to embarrassing white person rapping on reality television. But I think we are ready to crown a new king. Or queen, as it were. When Claudia asked the team to rap to come up with ideas for the project — which has to be the worst brainstorming exercise I have ever heard of in my entire life — it led to this gem from Brande Roderick: “When I’m feelin’ free, I like to eat my brie, and slap some on my knee.”
Okay, I can only assume she was trying to come up with rhymes for the word “Chi” which severely limits her choices, but still, did she just bust out the word “brie” in her rap? That has to be the whitest thing I have ever heard. And why the hell is she slapping brie on her knee? I guess coming from a Playboy Playmate that’s kinda kinky. But it’s also a bit weird. I mean, what kind of brie cheese are we talking about here? Triple cream? Depending on how soft it is, it may just splatter all over your knee if you attempt to slap it. Then again, maybe that’s the point. And maybe I need to rethink my position. This may have just turned into the best reality white person rap of all time!
NEXT: Busey smells trouble