2. Stephen Baldwin Wants to be Taken Seriously. Seriously!
I have had the pleasure — if you want to call it that — of having watched Stephen Baldwin on not one, not two, not three, but four seasons of celebrity-themed reality television. That includes two seasons of Celebrity Mole — don’t judge — and now two seasons of Celebrity Apprentice. Back in his Celebrity Mole Yucatan days (and yes, that was the name of an actual show which aired on network television), Baldwin was a merry prankster, getting into all sorts of mischief with partner-in-crime Corbin Bernsen. But the funny thing about Stephen Baldwin here is that he actually expects us to take him seriously! He dresses up in a slick suit, puts a lot of gel in his hair, and tries to look as smooth and intellectual as possible. “I’m looking forward to being just a sort of Gordon Gekko ruthless psycho, all rolled into one,” he told us. However when it comes to instilling fear and respect, Baldwin is more on the level of the Geico gecko than Gordon Gekko.
Yet, still he tries. Evidently, part of Stevie B’s act of convincing us how smart he is involves talking to everyone else like they are incompetent morons. “Stephen Baldwin is really funny,” noted Penn Jillette during the task. “He does seem to think that everyone around him is breathtakingly stupid.” No, breathtakingly stupid would seem to describe someone who failed to pay their New York State taxes for three years straight.
3. Love is in the Air
Trace Adkins keeps professing that he only agreed to come back on Celebrity Apprentice for one reason and one reason only: to raise money for the Red Cross. He keeps talking about how they helped him when his house burned down, blah, blah, blah. We now know that to be a complete lie…well, at least the part about only being there for the Red Cross. Because now it is perfectly clear why Trace really came back: to get his groove on with Susan Lucci!
Even before Lucci showed up to help Plan B with their task of creating a live soap opera to promote Crystal Light Liquid, Trace was insisting the last scene involve him making out with the 20-time Emmy loser (and 1-time winner). Then, when she did arrive, Mr. Grumpypants acted like he had been shot by Cupid’s bow. “I appreciate beauty in any form,” said Trace. “Good horse flesh, beautiful mountains, landscapes, and beautiful women.” Look, I know a little bit about women. And if there is one thing they absolutely love, it is being compared to “good horse flesh.” They’re like putty in your hands after that.
But Trace had competition! Because riding the crest of his success in inducing a reciprocal low five from Mr. Trump, Arsenio sashayed into the Plan B war room. And what was the very first thing he did? Kiss Susan Lucci’s hand! What sort of spell does Lucci have these men under?
The passion was spreading like wildfire! Next thing you know, Gary Busey was moving in to lock lips with Marilu Henner. Surely Marilu could not resist such a bold Busey advance. “You know what? I’m an actress. You can’t imagine the people I’ve had to make out with. Some great ones. Burt Reynolds comes to mind. But not Gary Busey.” Before we move off of this, which Burt Reynolds are we talking about? Is this 1983 Burt Reynolds, (who starred with Henner in The Man Who Loved Women), 1984 Burt Reynolds (who starred with Henner in Cannonball Run II) or 1990-1994 Burt Reynolds (who starred with Henner on Evening Shade)? Big difference. I need a little more info on this before I can come down with a complete ruling on how I feel about that name droppage. I’m sure Marilu can remember which one, because in case you didn’t know, MARILU HENNER REMEMBERS EVERYTHING!
NEXT: I half-understand what Omarosa does for a living