2. Incredibly Credible
After Lisa was fired, we had to wait a few more minutes before the inevitable firing of Lil Jon, one of the most likable Apprentice contestants ever. But watching him go was almost worth it just to hear the marvelous reasoning behind Trump’s decision in this brilliant quote: “We have to never lose sight of the fact that The Celebrity Apprentice/Apprentice, which is one of the most successful shows on television, has great credibility.”
FSHHHHHHHHHWTTTTTTTT! Sorry, I just spit my Trump Ice water halfway across the room. Great credibility?!? The thing I love most about this show is the fact that it has NO CREDIBILITY WHATSOEVER! That’s what makes it such absurd, ridiculous fun. Credibility? Three weeks ago Gary Busey was walking on all fours and barking like a mechanical dog for crissakes! Credibility? You brought back Dennis “I don’t even know what show I am on” Rodman to help out on the final task! Credibility? Penn Jillette and Lisa Rinna are having a serious discussion about bedazzled crotches!
3. The Not So Dream Team
Once we had our all-ponytail finals between Trace and Penn, it was time to see who would be brought back to help them for their final task (which would be to design an ice cream flavor and accompanying commercial and VIP party for Walgreens). Turns out Trace got third-place finisher Lil Jon, fifth place finisher Marilu Henner, and certified lunatic Gary Busey. Of course Busey was back. I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump brought Busey back as a permanent Boardroom advisor next season just to ram him down our throats even more. I can already picture it.
Trump: “Gary, how do you think the team did on this week’s project of finding Farouk Shami a new American bride?
Busey: “Gwarp. Snootle. Chomp. Chomp. MECHANICAL DOG!!!”
Trump: “Hmmm, Very interesting. Gary brings up an excellent point, Ivanka. What do you think?”
Ivanka: “I think whatever you tell me to think, daddy. Can I have another jewelry line?”
But Trace made out like a bandit compared to Penn. Yes, Penn got the very qualified Lisa Rinna, but he also inherited a confused La Toya “Why is Teller always whispering?” Jackson and the completely indifferent Dennis Rodman. So, just as on the Foxwoods task, Penn and Lisa were basically a two-person team. “I picked the teams because I really think they are going to be incredible,” said Trump. Define “incredible,” please. Is the show credible or incredible? Make up your mind, man!
4. Joan Rivers Still Has it
Even though my new bestie Mairlu Henner disagrees with me vehemently, I still stand firmly by my assertion that Joan Rivers beating her arch nemesis Annie Duke back in season 2 is the biggest miscarriage of justice in Celebrity Apprentice history. But I love when Rivers comes back as a guest advisor. As Busey so eloquently put it, “She’s a feminine mystery and a feminine magical powerhouse.”
Upon visiting Team Trace, Joan had her concerns on whether the group was going to be in trouble when it came to attracting big name celebrity guests: “Country Western? Marilu? Half of her friends are dead already. You know what I mean? Gary Busey? I don’t think his Christmas card list is gigantic.”
Holy crap, Joan Rivers just killed off half of Marilu Henner’s friends and family. Just imagine what she would have done if it was Annie Duke! Then Joan was off to visit Team Penn and her good friend Dennis Rodman, whom she described as being “like a black Liberace.” It was there when, after being asked by Penn if she would eat some of the ice cream, she proclaimed that, “Whatever they put in their mouths, I will put in my mouth.” It should be noted for the record that Joan said this before Penn decided that the product shot should include a giant bedazzled vagina. But a promise is a promise!
NEXT: Something stinks