The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Checkmate

Marilu throws the craziest party ever…if your last name happens to be Kasparov or Karpov
Ep. 10 | Aired May 5, 2013

NOT GETTING THE POINT Guest advisor John Rich did not seem sold on Marilu's party suite.

Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

PARRRRRRRRR-TAAAAAAAAY! What up, everybody? Sorry to scream at you with the all caps there, but I wasn’t sure you’d be able to hear me otherwise because I am at a full-on rager at Marilu Henner’s house. Let me tell you, stuff is getting CRAZY in here! We got Adrian the elevator operator working the keg, Amanda the receptionist dancing in a cage in the back, and even a mechanical dog fighting ring in the basement. It’s totally off the hook!

But all of that is tame and lame compared to the main event here in the living room. Because that’s where you’ll find…CHESS! Hell, yeah! I hope nobody’s planning on going to work tomorrow because this game is getting completely out of control. And I’m not just saying that because Farouk Shami is playing in his red cowboy boots…and nothing else! OH, SNAP! CLAUDIA JORDAN JUST TOOK SHAMI’S ROOK! INSANE! Who needs sex, drugs, and rock & roll when you have the intricacies of castling and pawn-on-pawn warfare?!?

Oh my God, watching this is just too much. I think I may have overdone it. This chess stuff is hardcore. I’m going to be sick in the morning if I don’t pace myself. No wonder those clowns from Foxwoods resort named Marilu the losing Project Manager for her Barclays party suite. They simply were too scared to handle the heat emanating from that chess board. Perhaps they were just worried they’d get sucked in and never want to leave. C’mon, try it. You’ll like it. Everybody’s doing it. You totally won't be cool unless you play. Oh, and first game’s free!

Okay, the Deal or No Deal girl seems to have this match pretty much in hand. Let me get out of this Marilu-induced mayhem — especially before Dennis Rodman takes on Deep Blue in the next contest — and go find a quiet bedroom upstairs where I can finish up this recap and present the 7 most magical moments of this week’s All-Star Celebrity Apprentice.

1. Getting Foxy with Foxwoods
The episode began with the teams meeting at Brooklyn’s new Barclays Center with Trump and advisors Don Jr. and John Rich, as well as two executives from Foxwoods resort and casino. I have to pause for the cause here and say how brave I think it is for Foxwoods to appoint a Conehead from the planet Remulak as their CEO. Diversity has always been a major initiative for the Mashantucket Pequot tribe, and they proved it once again here. And let me say, after closely examining Mr. Scott Butera, I think it is clear that his ethnicity as a Conehead in no way, shape, or form impairs his ability to manage the finances and accounts for the Connecticut casino.

The teams were told they needed to transform a suite at the arena into a party room that would best represent the Foxwoods brand. At least I think that’s what the instructions were. Honestly, I was too distracted wondering if Donald Trump and Marilu Henner were concocting another bizarre card-counting scheme to go rob the resort blind. (Considering he owns a casino of his own in Atlantic City, is card-counting really something Donald Trump wants to be promoting? It’s like me suggesting that people go out and start administering humungous wedgies to all reality show recappers. It’s a form of self-mutilation. Once you start the movement, no one is immune.)

NEXT: Trace Adkins agrees to have sex with Dolly Parton

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