The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Checkmate

Marilu throws the craziest party ever…if your last name happens to be Kasparov or Karpov
Ep. 10 | Aired May 5, 2013

NOT GETTING THE POINT Guest advisor John Rich did not seem sold on Marilu's party suite.

Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

6. King Me
So after the parties that featured such luminaries as The Countess from The Real Housewives of New York and a much slimmer Lisa Lampanelli waxing poetic about the color of Susan Boyle’s pubic hair, we were off to the Boardroom to find out which team had won.

Much of the talk in the Boardroom centered on whether Power made a mistake in picking the King theme over the Joker. One person seemed utterly convinced that King was the way to go. “Somehow, for a suite, I like King better than Joker,” said Trump. How shocking! Donald Trump would rather be affiliated with a ruling monarchy than a court jester. I never would have seen that coming.

Even after Trace and John Rich both explained how it was folly to take King, thereby allowing Penn to have the Joker, Trump still protested. “What’s wrong with King?” he snapped. “I would have King personally. What’s wrong with King?” Considering that Trump has fashioned his whole lifestyle after that of a king, he no doubt saw the repudiation of the King theme as a challenge to his entire way of life. Of course being a king is the best! Why would anyone want to live any differently! Joker? You gotta be kidding me! It’s all king all the time, baby!

But as humorous as all of this was, there is nothing funnier in the entire world than hearing Donald Trump ask the following question: “Lil Jon, what is crunk?” If you ever wondered why a show like Celebrity Apprentice needs to exist, it is precisely for moments like this — so Lil Jon can explain to Donald Trump what crunk is.

7. Game Over for Marilu
Considering my enormous boyhood crush on Marilu Henner in the 1980s, it was tough watching this Boardroom knowing that her firing was imminent. I would compare her attempts at not being fired to one desperately moving a bunch of pieces around the board in the futile attempt of avoiding checkmate, but I think we’ve had enough chess for one episode, thank you very much.

I will say this: I do think she had a point when she said it was not her fault that she did not know Lil Jon was the King of Crunk seeing as how he never told her and didn’t even think of using that as an angle himself. And she wasn’t off base when she mentioned that Trace checked out three tasks ago because the grumpysaurus even admitted as much. But there was never really any doubt that Marilu would be fired. I would say she should just forget about the whole experience, but due to Marilu's superhuman memory powers, she won’t be able to forget it. EVER! And shame on me for once again attempting to keep a score sheet on who was actually to blame for what. Such an exercise is completely futile on this show, and yet I continually insist on banging my head against this clearly nonsensical wall.

Once fired, Marilu did not even bother waiting for Trace and Lil Jon to leave the Boardroom, scurrying off into Adrian’s Elevator of Doom before they could even bid her goodbye. What I want to know is, why put the departing Marilu in a town car? Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate for Miguel the doorman to lead Mrs. Henner to a waiting…taxi?!? And you’re telling me Mark Burnett and Donald Trump could not have shelled out a few extra bucks for the Taxi theme song as she drove off? With Tony Danza doing the driving! That is how you produce a television show, people!

And this is how you end a recap, by letting anyone who may have missed it know about the exclusive joint interview we did this week with Amanda the receptionist and Adrian the elevator operator. It’s a definite must-listen for anyone who ever wondered why Amanda has five pair of gold scissors or her desk or whether Adrian’s elevator actually goes anywhere. We’ll also be talking to the dearly departed Marilu Henner on next week’s edition of the InsideTV Podcast, so keep your eyes and ears open for that. And for more reality ramblings, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss.

Now it’s your turn. Was Teller’s voice a letdown? Bummed we didn’t get to see Lisa punched in the lips? Feeling a sudden urge to go play chess? Hit the message boards to let us know, and until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!

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