The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Checkmate

Marilu throws the craziest party ever…if your last name happens to be Kasparov or Karpov
Ep. 10 | Aired May 5, 2013

NOT GETTING THE POINT Guest advisor John Rich did not seem sold on Marilu's party suite.

Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

But Trace and Lil Jon had nothing on Lisa Rinna, who was a sexed-up cougar ready to pounce! Lisa had her prey in her sights, and that prey was none other than guest advisor John Rich. After pointing out to John Rich that their party color theme involved the same colors that John Rich was wearing, the former Celebrity Apprentice champ responded, “Are you hitting on me? Because it’s working.” The cougar set the trap, and John Rich had taken the bait. “Oh, gooooood!” Lisa cooed. “I haven’t seen my husband in a month so watch out. Be careful!”

And Lisa still had the nasty on the mind later when she informed us that, “When you taste David Burke’s food, you’ve died and gone to heaven. And it is almost as good as sex. Almost.” So, to recap: Lisa is dying to do the deed, and if country music superstar John Rich won’t give her the goods, then she is going to have sexual intercourse with a plate of food. That seems about right for this show.

4. Lip Service
There’s been a lot of attention paid to Lisa Rinna’s lips this season. And with good reason. They are alternately frightening and hypnotic. Donald Trump has made his position on her lip size known throughout filming: Lisa Rinna’s lips may be the one thing in the entire world that Donald Trump does not like to be in complete and total excess.

But this week Lisa was ready to put her most famous assets in mortal danger! Witness this discussion that took place between her and Penn after he mentioned that Teller might not be able to make it to do a bit with him in the suite due to the snow:

Lisa: “Is there any way I can look like Teller or dress up like Teller?”

Penn: “We could do a Penn & Teller bit.”

Lisa: “Well, I think we should have that as a backup.”

Penn: “You might get hurt a little.”

Lisa: “Really? Will it disfigure me?”

Penn: “Well, temporarily.”

Lisa: “Where?”

Penn: “Your lips.”

Lisa: “My lips aren’t real! I’m perfect for it.”

Penn: “Does that make it better or worse?”

Lisa: “It makes it better!”

Penn went on to explain that he would be punching her in the face with an apple, which sounds incredible on pretty much every level. But Lisa wasn’t worried: “My lips are bionic so if I do get punched in the mouth is it really a big deal? Or are they just gonna get bigger? And that’s fine.” Regardless, it has become abundantly clear that Lisa’s lips are completely deserving of their own Celebrity Apprentice spin-off. Working title: Read My Lips.

5. This Just in: Teller Speaks!
Did you catch that? The silent, shorter half of Penn & Teller never, ever opens his mouth. It’s part of his shtick. I guess Penn talks enough that there’s no reason for poor little Teller to ever utter a word. I figured I would die without ever hearing the man speak. Which is not such a big deal until you think about that fact and then start to mildly obsess over it for no reason, and then it becomes a HUGE deal!

Anyhoo, Penn called Teller to get an update on whether his partner would be able to make it through the storm to arrive for their party. I figured naturally they would not mic the phone since we’re never supposed to hear the man’s voice. BUT NO! THERE IT WAS! “Hello,” he answered. IT WAS TELLER’S VOICE! FINALLY! AND IT SOUNDED LIKE…LIKE…just some dude talking. Any dude. A dime a dozen. Sounded a bit like my neighbor actually. The whole thing was super anti-climactic.

I don’t know what I expected. Maybe someone who sounded as if he had sucked down 10 helium balloons before talking. Or perhaps an inexplicably low smooth and sexy register a la Barry White. I just figured after all that buildup and mystery that the big reveal would have been worth the wait. To make matters even worse, Teller then went on to talk about…flight delays? Talk about a total conversation killer! This was perhaps the second biggest letdown in the history of Celebrity Apprentice. (The first being when Annie Duke lost to Joan Rivers.)

NEXT: King for a lifetime

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