This recap assumes you watched 30 Rock instead of $#*! My Dad Says. That you chose NBC -- "the engorged whitehead on the otherwise flawless face of Universal Media" -- over a tote bag that says The Mentalist. The gang is back for season 5 and couldn't be more self-aware. "I know, season 5. We were supposed to get canceled," Tina Fey winks at us.
Matt Damon's Carol, doorman to the sky, stayed at Lemon's place this time and completely broke down. I can't decide which gift is greater -- Jason Bourne crying like an infant or The Barefoot Contessa serving as Lemon's life idol. "Her husband only comes home on the weekends and she spends the rest of the time eating and drinking with her gay friends!" Despite their shared love of Ina Garten, sweater weather, and when Muppets present at award shows, Carol didn't want to go on like this anymore. "I'm not like Jeffrey Garten," he wept, as Jeffrey hoped Ina would have fun without him on TV. (!!!) "I'm not as strong as that guy. I need to know where this relationship is going and I can feel you resisting it." Outer-spoon that man!
They might make it work -- we'll find out during Carol's next layover. Before Carol's departure, he and Liz both revealed something pretty major: She's on a waiting list to adopt a child; he was touched by a priest. "It's fine." High five! See you October 14th.
Meanwhile, Tracy was hallucinating Kenneth, except he was right there on that taxicab's windshield; Jenna's contract allowed her a producer's credit; and Jack -- the great big grizzly Daddy Bear behind Jack Fest -- was practicing his tried-and-true approach to relationships, The Fabian Strategy, with Avery. But she handily outsmarted him and got the walk-in closet she wanted in the first place. Before you know it, she'll have him wearing jeans and reading fiction. They're perfect together, like hunting and whiskey. 'Soulmate' doesn't do it justice. She's his pube shirt, you see. It's like the modern-day version of "She's your lobster," from Friends.
Next: My Top 10 Favorite Moments of the 30 Rock premiere. Mine will be very different from yours, so list your own gems in the comments!