<![CDATA[EW.com: TV Recaps]]> Wed, 16 May 2012 20:10:15 +0000 en-us <![CDATA[EW.com: TV Recaps]]> http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/logo_privacypolicy.gif 289 32 TV Recaps TV Recap D D Monday's semifinals, robotic-giggle-generator/professional tearjerker Maria Menounos and her partner Derek Hough headed home from the Dancing With the Stars ballroom. The overlords of Planet Mirrorballus (viewers like you) have decided Maria is not an asset to the Danceton Abbey. She seemed completely at peace with this by the time Tom announced her fate and she remained miraculously dry-eyed throughout their final chat, in which she wholeheartedly acknowledged "I wouldn't have made it this far without [Derek's] amazing talents and choreography." Nice! At least now Derek will get to stop disappearing into mirrorwalls to avoid rehearsal studio stress. I don't think it's a shock that Maria and Derek headed home despite earning Monday's top scores. Just three points separated the top and bottom couples, and no matter who went home, we had the satisfaction of a very competitive final four. This was all up to viewer votes -- any elimination would have been upsetting. Take it from Tom, who stalled to point out the harsh truth as Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd stood "in jeopardy" with Maria and Derek: "No matter which way this goes, it's gonna suck." We still have no idea "whose fault" Katherine Jenkins' slip-up was during Monday night's salsa -- and I think it's absurd to try and investigate it any further. I never want to see that footage again! But we saw it twice more in slow-motion -- a good chance to live vicariously through the TV screen and imagine our own backs spasming out at any given frame. What fun for everyone. Katherine looked terrified before she and Mark were announced as safe 10 minutes into the show, but then they practically danced an exhibition Latin routine -- the ya ya ya? -- in celebration of their place in the finals. So it looks like she's physically fine. Dr. Bergeron's prognosis: positive. There was something in the grassy knoll. Julianne Hough -- long-lost dance pro, acclaimed rocker of ages, and Ryan Seacrest's girlfriend (I always need a few extra seconds to let that sink in...and then bobble back up to the surface) -- returned to the ballroom to thrash around and wail with none other than Mary J. Freaking Blige and costar Diego Boneta in a plug for Rock of Ages. This performance was hilarious and so complicated staging-wise that I couldn't believe it was really liiiiiiiiiiiiive. But it was! Tom even got to interview Julianne's '80s hair after the group number. I initially typed that as "grope number" which I think would have been fairly accurate as well. I'm glad Julianne wore a seafoam (the universal color of rock and roll) fringed bodysuit to distinguish herself as Our Pro from the other talented dancers. Dynamo choreographer Mia Michaels was responsible for this number, so that might explain why I rewound it three times to relive its general momentum and ridiculata. NEXT: The Top 7 ("seh-vehhhhhn!") moments of the results show Annie's Top 7 ("Seh-vehhhhn!") Results Show Moments for Tuesday, May 15, 2012 7. William Levy and Cheryl's relaxed vibe for the Lencore of their bright pink samba. The extra hang time after his huge leap off the stairs allowed for the dramatic co-booty shake to seem even more "spontaneous" than it had on Monday (pictured). 6. Chelsie's insanely hot red "tutu shoes" for the Macy's Design a Dance samba with Tristan. Look for their memoir Red Shoe Diaries: The Ballroom Years coming in late 2014 to a bookstore near you. 5. Cheryl's ruthlessness as she predicted that Derek shouldn't cut Maria any slack: "If she got a perfect score while she was injured, she should be able to do it again." 4. Alanis Morissette's sparkly black guitar and general queenliness despite wearing jeans in the ballroom 3. Unfamiliar pros Blake McGrath and Tyne Stecklein, who accompanied Alanis on "Guardian," were a marvel -- and she wasn't even wearing shoes! The lack of heels must have rendered her zero pounds instead of just a few as he whirled her around like a paper airplane. Those legs! I was mesmerized. These are no decoys. They'll be keepers for life. 2. "Well, it is better than the laugh." --Tom after Derek begged Maria not to scream in the confessional and of course she did it anyway. 1. EW.com blogger Tristan MacManus unleashing his inner Beyoncé! Tristan also joined Sharna, Henry, and Emma to swarm Carrie Underwood in blue and black costumes that coordinated with her cool-colored reptilian dress. It was supposed to be Val instead of him, Tristan told me, but Val had to pull out at the last minute. They filmed this last Monday. Carrie's sold like 300,000 copies of Blown Away since then. What a "Good Girl." Do you think Maria got voted off because she cheated on Derek with Tom? Derek's sad face would like to encourage you to appraise Your Hidden Gems of the Semifinals. * I caught up with showmantic lovebirds Maria and Derek just before last week's double-elimination results show as they debated potential freestyle songs (well in advance) and ran through a typical day in the life of Maria Menounos: * Did the right couple go home, DANCMSTRs? Read more: Tom Bergeron chats with Annie about season 14 -- EXCLUSIVE VIDEO Tristan's blog: Design a Dance with Chelsie and his pick to win it all 'Dancing With the Stars': Your Hidden Gems of the Semifinals! 'Dancing With the Stars All-Stars': Who should be cast for season 15? Season 14 semifinals recap: Four Score and Several Tears Was Len Goodman the original inspiration for Flashdance? Ask Annie anything about 'Dancing With the Stars' (or whatever) in the video player below. To see her answers to previous questions, click on the text links below the picture. This is *not* liiiiiiive! and she is not really sitting there right now. She updates a few times per week. ]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Dancing With the Stars' recap: Laughter in the Pain]]> Tue, 15 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17735 tvr_17735 tvr_17735 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP007473660286 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/15/DWTS-MARIA-DEREK_320.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/15/DWTS-HOUGH_175.jpg ABC OUCH Maria and Derek count their injuries one last time. TV NO -- Reality TV Episode 17 Season 14 OUCH Maria and Derek count their injuries one last time.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap G G Glee-fest kicked off with "Props" which found Rachel not processing her NYADA debacle as well as she had seemed to the previous week. She sadly sang to herself, as she does, and decided to throw herself into Nationals prep, seeing it as her last chance to be a star. She had also left 14 messages on Carmen's machine begging her to reconsider and come watch her Nationals performance, but so far, no response. Note to high school students/everyone: This is stalking. You shouldn't do this. Human prop Tina finally hit her limit with everyone catering to Rachel getting yet another solo at Nationals and stormed out of the choir room. These were super-valid feelings (loved the shout-out to "Sit Down, You're Rocking The Boat."  They were so innocent then!) but no one was very supportive. Even her boyfriend Mike was Team Rachel. Ouch. I expected a "Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!" Brady Bunch moment from Tina, but instead we got one better: She hit her head on the fountain at the mall when she was racing around getting fabric for Nationals costumes and imagined she switched bodies with Rachel. She also saw everyone else body swap: Kurt as Finn, Puck body-swapped with Blaine, Santana was Artie, Joe was Mike, and Brittany switched it up with Mercedes. Great: Sue and Schu swap! Best shot: Finn and Puck all snuggly together, holding hands and dressed up like Kurt and Blaine. The entire cast deserved an MVP award for their completely on-point mannerisms. That group has clearly spent the past three years together. As Rachel, Tina finally got a solo and sang a Celine Dion power ballad -- complete with the patented Berry original hand-on-stomach move. After getting her first standing O moment in the spotlight, Tina and Rachel (both as the other one) had a heart-to-heart. Tina-as-Rachel thanked Rachel-as-Tina for her valuable contributions to the chorus, which allowed Rachel to sound even more spectacular...if that's even possible. There are no small parts, only small actors. Right, guys? Rachel returned the favor by telling Tina-as-Rachel to not give up on her dreams. She's incredible! NYADA would be lucky to have her! The two hug it out and, conflict over, Tina woke back up at the mall with Blaine and Kurt -- as themselves -- standing above her. Everyone was back in their correct body and no one was (outwardly) sad anymore. On with the show! NEXT: Unique returns, plus Masks! Fire! Flashdance! Sue had completely taken over Nationals rehearsal and decided that the way to win would be to distract the judges with fancy props. Or helmets. She came to the conclusion that unless Porcelain Kurt decided to cross-dress (what Sue wanted), New Directions might as well hand over that champion trophy to Vocal Adrenaline. Sue explained: "High school judges are proven idiots, and they love props, and Unique is the ultimate prop." Kurt wasn't having it, but a struggling Puck saw an opportunity to be a hero and went all-in on the cross-dressing. Just call him Lola. Santana was turned on, and Artie got concerned that there were some things you couldn't unsee. Schu wasn't having it, though, and decided that all they were doing from now on was learning choreography for Nationals. Better late than never! Without cross-dressing to fall back on, Puck accepted an invite to fight Ricky outside by the dumpsters. Ricky was giving him a hard time about not graduating, but Ricky was also rocking a mullet, which led me to believe that he's been in high school since the mid-'80s and maybe should leave Puck alone. Of course that didn't happen, so after school Puck joined Ricky for a very Sharks vs. Jets showdown -- Puck even brought the (fake) knife from McKinley High's production of West Side Story! The two were really going at it, but when Puck pulled out the knife, Beiste appeared and broke it up. Beiste and Puck then had a locker room heart-to-heart where Puck broke down and admitted he was scared he'd never amount to anything. Beiste comforted him and explained, "We're badasses. No one thinks anything can hurt us, but it does." While she was giving her speech to Puck, she realized the person who most needed to hear her advice was herself. Later, she went home and confronted her husband. The scene was painful to watch, in the best possible way. Waterwork Alert Number One. Seeing Beiste stand up for herself, and put herself first, was a really great moment. The fact that Beiste has been sleeping with a knife under her pillow was a chilling addition, but her final word to him, after Cooter asked her who would love her if not him, was perfect: "Me." Cue a quite-literal duet of "Mean" with Puck on guitar. Added bonus: Beiste negotiated for Puck to have another go at the geography test. He's not going to flunk after all. Well, probably not. Meanwhile, back in their normal bodies, Tina and Rachel took a roadtrip to Oberlin College, where Carmen teaches, so that Rachel could ask her face-to-face to reconsider her NYADA decision. In the car, the duo listened to "Maniac," so 100 cool music points to Tina. Tina confessed that all she wanted out of the rest of the school year was to sing one duet with Rachel. Just wait a few minutes, Tina. Your moment is coming! Unfortunately, things went downhill after the chitchat in the car. Rachel attempted to talk to Carmen, but Carmen (rightfully) wasn't having it. "What makes you think you're entitled to any more attention than any of the hundreds of other people I see with the same hopes and dreams?" Carmen asked her. Rachel said that she didn't think that, but explained she wasn't going to give up her dreams. She invited Carmen to come see them perform in Chicago, and told her she planned on auditioning year after year. Carmen was clearly secretly a little impressed, or at least intrigued, and then Rachel dropped her research bombshell: Didn't Carmen audition for Juilliard four times? She isn't going to give up either. I have no doubt that Rachel meant every word of her little speech, and I bet it's going to pay off. Waterwork Alert Number Two: Back at school, Rachel and Finn reminisced about a scrappy group of kids who "cling desperately to their own kind," while they looked on at Sam, Brittany, Kurt and Artie laughing in the hallway together. Rachel started singing in the auditorium, then was joined by Tina, and then they all sang their way onto a bus to Nationals. This felt like such a finale song. It was the beginning of the end for our group of misfits, and I was a mess. I also just really love '80s music. NEXT: A little event called Nationals, perhaps you've heard of it?  They might not have gone through Platform 9 3/4 , but the Glee kids were off -- via bus -- to a magical place! But as soon as they arrived in Chicago, and the episode "Nationals" began, things went south. Mercedes came down with H1N1 food poisoning, and it looked like Quinn was going to have to step up for the Troubletone number. Jesse St. James showed up, as we knew he would, as he's Vocal Adrenaline's coach. He may have Unique, but his conversation with Rachel showed he was pretty nervous. Also, he was running his hands through his hair a lot and questioned what the heck the requirement "33% of the numbers must be vintage" even meant. You and me both, Mr. St. James. I need to pause real quick and give a shout-out to Jesse/Jonathan Groff. I think he's my absolute favorite part of this show, and this episode, even though ONCE AGAIN HE DIDN'T SING, showed me why: His reaction shots were, as always, priceless. Whether it was his barely concealed smirk for everything Rachel did, or his angry shifty eyes during a quick cutaway after New Directions' showstopping performance -- we'll get there in just a sec -- I couldn't stop cracking up. Nationals apparently crowns an MVP each year -- singing is like a competitive sport! -- and if I got a vote, Jesse would have another award to add to his already impressive resume.  Plus, Wade performing in drag was a pretty inspiring idea that he created implemented. Mercedes made a miraculous recovery in the time it took Jesse and Rachel to have that conversation, and the show went on. New Directions had the unenviable task of performing first, but they absolutely killed it. From the Troubletones' version of "Edge of Glory" to Rachel's incredible Waterworks Alert Number Three performance of "It's All Coming Back To Me Now," this was perfect. And yes, Carmen showed up just in time to see her bring the house down. Girl is totally NYADA bound. Vocal Adrenaline was up next, featuring a wonderful Unique. Unique may have had some nerves pre-performance, but classy Kurt and Mercedes talked her up and that meant Unique was out in full force. The only negative I thought was that the performance was all Unique -- no one else got a chance to shine. NEXT: And the winner is...Plus! Judge Lindsay Lohan mugs for the cameras Jesse St. James knows when he's been bested, and before the winner was announced, he found Carmen and, finally making up for the whole throwing-an-egg-in-her-face incident, told her that Rachel was the most talented person he'd ever met. Bar none. He turned to leave, and Carmen told him she did remember him: His own NYADA audition two years prior. He sang "Giants In The Sky" from Into the Woods, and although his diction needed work, she was impressed by his passion. Internet Gods, please allow video of Jesse St. James performing to surface online. Also, is this laying the groundwork for Jesse to inevitably join Rachel at NYADA next season? Because I want it known I would watch every episode of that. While Jesse was finally being a good guy, the judges deliberated, and they were as random a crew as ever: America's sweetheart Lindsay Lohan, Perez Hilton and Rex Lee. I know I'm supposed to groan at Lindsay's Comeback 2012, but A.) I love her. Sorry I'm not sorry and B.) The lines they gave her were pretty funny -- if not a bit sad. "Is there anything better than someone MAKING A COMEBACK!?!?!?" 12-time Teen Choice Award nominee Lohan asked straight to the cameras, explaining why the judges shouldn't hold New Directions' 12th place finish last year against them. With all the top teams gathered onstage, the moment everyone had been waiting for had finally arrived...almost. Ryan Seacrest must have snuck in and told them to drag this announcement out, because first we learned that Unique, deservedly so, got the MVP award that Rachel assumed was hers. As soon as that happened, I felt even more confident that New Directions would definitely take home the trophy for their team effort -- and they did! Waterworks Alert Number Four. They got a homecoming party fit for an American Idol. The slushies in the face were full of streamers, there was champagne (non-alcoholic, let's assume) and hey! This apparently was just the push Emma needed to have sex with Will. So that happened too! Congratulations all around! But there was still one more surprise to go -- and I'm not talking about Sue's still-maybe-happening pregnancy. Principal Figgins prepared a special assembly where Schu would be given the Teacher of the Year award. Exciting stuff, and more than a bit surprising, when you consider Schu quit his job teaching Spanish class a few months ago when he discovered that he wasn't so good at it. But he sure does love the Glee club! And with a national championship now to their credit, apparently that's enough. NEXT: Musical grades and top quotes Musical Grades "I Won't Give Up": Sad times for Rachel. She talked a big game about being fine about the NYADA "incident," but to the surprise of no one, she was still struggling. Classic Berry power ballad. B+ "Because You Loved Me": Oh, Tina. She just wants someone to love her. Or even notice her. And dressing up like Berry got things done. She sounded lovely, but I'm sorry, she doesn't have Rachel's powerhouse pipes, and a Celine Dion song is all about the vocals. B+ "Flashdance...What A Feeling": Okay, I love cheesy over-the-top '80s music. And this allowed Rachel and Tina to finally get their duet on. Any word on where I can buy Rachel's purple dress? I think I'm coveting that more than anything I've ever seen on this show. "Let's go to nationals!" Schu exclaimed. I'm so on board that bus. Sing us to Chicago!  A- "Mean": Emotion central tonight. No one warned me to have my guard up. This Beiste/Puck duet (with Puck on guitar) was lovely and thematically perfect. Although I'm shocked it took three seasons for Glee to do a Taylor Swift cover. B "Edge of Glory": Along with "All Coming Back" and "Paradise" this was part of New Directions' Nationals routine. I absolutely love this tune, and this arrangement was nice and also (props to them!) different. The Troubletones got a chance to shine, and it kicked off what was a truly an all-time great performance. A- "It's All Coming Back To Me Now": In my notebook for this song all I wrote: "She. Has. It." And then I rewatched three times. Outstanding. A "Paradise By The Dashboard Light": The real group number of the trio of New Directions performances. The vocals, choreography and energy were all top-notch. A "Starships": This combined with "Pinball Wizard" was Vocal Adrenaline's Nationals offering, with lead vocals by Unique. Unique rapping even gave Minaj a run for the outrageous wig money -- is there anything she can't do? A- "Pinball Wizard": For the vintage part, V.A. went with this Who classic. Dancing on the giant pinball machines was a bit much for my taste, and this arrangement wasn't too different from just karaoke of the original. But it still made me want to dance. B+ "Tongue Tied" Mostly background for their awesome homecoming. Montage music! B "We Are The Champions": Excellent song choices all around last night. Like their other Queen cover "Somebody to Love" from last season, it really showcased the group's harmonies. A- NEXT: Top quotes + other moments Top Quotes Kurt as Snooki and Blaine as The Situation: Best. Couples Costume. Ever. Emma's brochure: "When It's Time To Have Intercourse" File under: Things I never thought I'd see. Lindsay Lohan and Perez Hilton head-bopping together to the music. There can be miracles! When you believe! "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be me?" --Rachel "If we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline at nationals, it's tucking time." --Sue "Sparks in your face is how you get freckles." --Brittany "Rachel is a pain in the ass. " --Tina "I prepaid for the little people." --Sue "Pretty as a picture with a booty that won't quit." --Sue about Unique "Why black and white?" "Because I worship The Artist." --Finn and Kurt "Jennifer Beals is spinning in her grave." -Sue (Jennifer Beals is very much alive) "Cocky all of a sudden. I like it." --Jesse St. James. I like you, Mr. St. James "When you get nervous you start running your hands through your hair like Danny Zuko." --Rachel re: Jesse "Most people don't realize I lost 10 pounds during that performance." --Jesse, discussing his incredible "Bohemian Rhapsody" number "We're entering the Hunger Games of show choir competition." --Sue, who would totally dominate in the arena "Break a heel" --Kurt to Unique "If you have to ask why a 12-time Teen Choice Award nominee is a celebrity judge, then you don't understand what the word celebrity means." --Rex Lee "I was robbed for Freaky Friday." --Lindsay Lohan discussing her Teen Choice nominations.  And yes, she was. Wow! A ton happened in this two-hour extravaganza! Are you happy New Directions won Nationals? What about Unique as MVP? Who else was excited for the return of Jesse St. James? Tina finally got a solo! Lindsay Lohan made fun of herself (again)! Will and Emma finally had sex! Tell me what you enjoyed, and get ready to brace yourself next week to watch the McKinley high crew graduate and say goodbye. There. Will. Be. Tears. Erin on Twitter]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Glee' recap: Edge of Glory]]> Tue, 15 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17732 tvr_17732 tvr_17732 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP011413890068 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/15/glee-lindsay-lohan-rex-lee_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/15/glee-lindsay-lohan-rex-lee_175.jpg Adam Rose/Fox JUDGE NOT, LEST THEE BE JUDGED Lindsay Lohan decides to start grading high school singing championships. What could go wrong?  TV NO -- Comedy Episode 20 Season 3 JUDGE NOT, LEST THEE BE JUDGED Lindsay Lohan decides to start grading high school singing championships. What could go wrong? 

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap B B Bachelorette 'journey', as Emily meets her 25 would-be suitors. There's a child involved, y'all!]]> Bachelorette 'journey', as Emily meets her 25 would-be suitors. There's a child involved, y'all!]]> The Bachelorette is extremely stressful for me. And really, isn't my comfort what matters here? Well, my comfort and the emotional well-being of a 6-year-old girl, I suppose. The episode opens on the picturesque family tableau of Bachelorette Emily and her little girl Ricki at a park, feeding geese and having a who-can-swing-higher contest, as Emily elucidates her hopes via deliberately-spoken voiceover: "My ultimate goal in all of this is to meet somebody that I could marry and have children with and that could be that father figure in Ricki's life." (I'll get all weepy if I talk about Emily's heart-tugging backstory, so I won't -- if you don't know it, watch it here.) So release those red balloons of hope into the sky and brush the sugar bugs out of your teeth, Ricki, because it's time to go to bed... but not before you recite your line: "I'm thankful for love." Awwww. Nighty-night, sleep tight -- in a few weeks, you just may wake up with a new daddy! Or, should I say, another new daddy? Emily's first attempt at finding her fairy tale on TV ended well -- "Without a doubt, I thought Brad was going to be my husband" -- and then just ended. But there are no hard feelings... and now Emily is ready to saddle up and ride down that reality TV road again. Or, as she says, "Put on your big girl panties and move on with it," quoting the great T-shirt philosopher Hanesocrates. After all, she gets lonely at night, especially after 7:30, when Ricki goes to bed. (Side note: I'm a sucker. My 2-year-old has conned me into believing that bedtime is 8 o'clock.) Miraculously, we get through this Learning to Love Again montage with nary a shot of Emily doing exercising outdoors in a jog bra and spandex booty shorts... wow, maybe this season of The Bachelorette really will be different! Perhaps the biggest change is to Casa Bachelorette -- a role that's now being played by a Charlotte, N.C. abode we'll call the Perpetual Husband Plantation. Our fearless host Chris Harrison (sorry to hear the news, buddy) greets us in the PHP's flagstone courtyard to introduce us to the 25 guys who will be jamming emotional shivs in between each other's ribs in a fight to the death for Emily: Kalon, 25, Houston: This "luxury brand consultant" has money, a lisp possibly caused by invisible braces, oversized glasses, and a new determination to be less of a douche and more "kind of, responsible, down to earth." Ryan, 31, Georgia: A former pro-football player who now works as a trainer for athletes and kids. By the time he's through with them, they'll be able to flip that tractor tire or spring an internal hemorrhage trying! He thinks Emily is special, and his dog looks well cared for, which is always a good sign. NEXT: Soul patch, skateboard, severe traumatic brain injury Tony, 30 31, Oregon: When he's not selling plywood or perfecting his lats with chest flys, he's raising his 5-year-old son Taylor. Herewith, I will rank the saddest things about Tony: 1. His soul patch. 2. His was cuckolded by his first wife. 3. He believed producers when they promised they wouldn't use the "What has two thumbs..." footage on national TV. Lerone, 29, California: Look everybody! Team Bachelor cast a stray black guy! (And here I was thinking they'd simply abandoned the "token minority" approach -- even after last month's brouhaha over the show's whiteness erupted.) Lerone is a realtor who wants to be a family man; he finds Emily's status as a single mom "one of the most attractive things about her." David, 33, New York: He sings, he acts (check out his role as "Bartender" and "Dance Marathon Finalist") and generally wants very much to be famous. He also really wants to sound smart, which leads him to say meaningless things about Emily, like, "We have all of these disparate facets that ultimately converge." Charlie, 32, Tennessee: Oh, I was so with this guy -- a nice-looking dude who survived a balcony collapse and worked his way back from a severe traumatic brain injury -- until he agreed to say this: "I may have had a head injury -- but there's nothing wrong with my heart." Jef, 27, Utah: It's pretty easy to feel contempt for a pompadoured "entrepreneur" with a Peter Pan complex, but the dude's company does help provide safe drinking water for those in need... so I'll give him a pass for now. Arie, 30, Arizona: The race car driver. Of course Team Bachelor went there. Are we surprised, people? I'm just amazed they didn't dig up Ricky Hendrick's grave, scavenge some trace DNA from his corpse, and pay a mentally unstable scientist to build them a clone in his basement. As for Arie, he seems fine. Nice hair. To hell with the other 17 guys! Emily wants "a minivan full of babies," and the clock's ticking. Let's get the limos rolling, shall we? Curveball! Looks like Tony isn't the only single dad in the mix: Doug the "charity director/realtor" opens by nervously confessing that he's got an 11-year-old son. Even bigger curveball: Apparently Team Bachelor wasn't limiting their search to the "men seeking women" category... Meet Jackson, the fitness model with the hot pink tie and terribly cliché opening line: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away. This is one of those moments." Emily's pleasant countenance never wavers. "You're very sweet," she says, with the weary, practiced politeness of a woman who's knows more than a little about brushing off overzealous men. Speaking of overzealous, Joe practically does a jig upon meeting the Bachelorette -- and speaking of terrible pickup lines, Aaron whips off his hot librarian glasses and declares, "I'm a high school biology teacher, but I'm here to have chemistry with you." That entrance isn't nearly as overthought as Jef's, however: he rolls in on a skateboard, clinging to the limo's bumper, before dramatically ditching his deck in the bushes. I can't quite believe I'm saying this, but she LOVES it. NEXT: "My good friends call me Wolf" Hard to say if Emily's as enthusiastic about Stevie the "party MC," who struts up the stairs toting a beat box before busting out some Electric Boogaloo dance moves. "I like to dance too," she coos kindly. Tony manages to get a livelier response from the Bachelorette with his Prince Charming schtick -- Emily doesn't even seem to mind that the "glass slipper" he's easing onto her foot looks more like a Lucite stripper pump. Of course, he almost forgets to tell Emily his real name, as does Randy, whose call-back to Brittney's "grandma" maneuver on last season's Bachelor falls flat. After that, Emily is hungry for a more masculine presence, and she seems to find what she's looking for in Nate, an accountant with a pleasant aroma. "He's so cute!" she whispers to herself as he walks away. Dude, unless you are a character in Judy Blume's Tiger Eyes, I'm willing to bet a year's salary that no one -- good friends or not -- calls you "Wolf." Your name is John. Just accept it. Moving on... Travis seems like a perfectly nice gentleman, but his "this egg represents you and Ricki" gimmick feels like the brainchild of a man whose greatest moment in life was winning a middle school egg drop contest and who has spent the rest of his years trying to reclaim that glory. (To steal a brilliant joke from a friend of mine: "If he makes it to the fantasy suite, he's going to bring a baking soda volcano.") Meanwhile, singer/songwriter Michael gives Emily a guitar pick to remember him by, perhaps because he thought his web address would be too cumbersome. Alejandro from Colombia/San Francisco (not to be confused with Alessandro from Brazil/St. Paul) gushes convincingly in Spanish about how hermosa Emily looks tonight, and earns a verrry subtle lip-lick from the Bachelorette. If only the arrivals could have ended with Ryan's sweetly dorky "You Are Beautiful" note... but alas, Kalon feels the need to distinguish himself by swooping down into the backyard via helicopter. I think Guy No One Calls Wolf speaks for all of us when he says, "Whoever this is, we're all gonna hate him." And with that, let the ritual preening, chest-thumping, and displaying of hindquarters begin! "Golly, I'm nervous," giggles Emily as 25 pairs of eyes try to bore through her nude-colored dress. The men do their best to make an impression during their brief interludes with the Bachelorette -- Brent pulls out photos of his six (!) kids, Charlie pretends to sever Emily's forefinger with his teeth -- but few stand out as much as Chris, who produces two bobbleheaded idols, one carved in his own image, and one in Emily's. (I seriously could have watched an entire episode of Bobblehead Bachelorette Theater.) Jef also makes "a great first impression," according to Emily, but to be fair, she didn't hear him make this ludicrously reductive statement: "Her fiancé, Ricky, died in a plane crash, and so I think she deserves the best." No one, however, thought to bring a heart-tugging, handwritten note from an 11-year-old boy explaining why he should get the final rose -- no one, that is, except Doug. "I think you should know that my dad is one of the greatest dads ever, because he always tucks me in at night... and he is always giving me hugs." Nice work, Austin! When daddy gets back he'll buy you that Xbox, just like he promised. NEXT: Oh golly, it's Dolly! Are all of these grand gestures enough to out-First Impression an aerial entrance? Kalon sure hopes not -- especially since he barely gets any one-on-one time with Emily before Sean steals her away. While Stevie and Kalon confront each other inside (the wedding DJ thinks the luxury brand pimp was hogging all of the Bachelorette's time), the real drama is happening in the backyard, where Arie is working up the courage to tell Emily what he does for a living. "My background is in racing," he says. Emily's eyes widen almost imperceptibly, but her composure doesn't crack. Arie presses on: "Like, are you ok with that?" Five full seconds pass before the Bachelorette answers, "Yeah, I am." Still, Doug the Dad gets the first impression rose. In this game, paper crushes helicopter. Wow, has it been almost 90 minutes already? (God bless you, Dancing with the Stars lead-in.) Make haste, production assistant, and bring out the boutonnières! Emily hands out the buds at a rapid-fire pace, with Chris, Ryan, Kalon, Arie, Charlie, Jef, Nate, Sean, Joe, Kyle, Aaron, Alejandro, John, Alessandro, Michael, Stevie, Tony, and Travis getting pinned. As for the guys going home, most are not a surprise, like Brent the one man Brady Bunch ("The kids will be sad"), Jackson (man is that tie pink!), Randy the granny, and David the Professional Soap Opera Extra. Yeah, and I'd like to say it's a surprise that Lerone got the boot, but I think we all know that'd be a lie. Here's to finding love in Charlotte, y'all! From the previews, it looks like our "journey" this season will take us to London, somewhere tropical, a playground, a private Dolly Parton concert, a merry-go-round, and eventually into the middle of a no-doubt-creatively-edited confrontation where Emily tells someone (Kalon?) that if he really thinks Ricki is "baggage," he should "get the f--k out." I'm sold! What about you, rose lovers? Was Emily's premiere as the Bachelorette everything you hoped for? Do you have any favorite dudes? (So far, I've got a slight affinity for Bobblehead Guy.) Tell me what you think! And once you're done NOT posting spoilers in the comments below, head over to PopWatch to read Chris Harrison's exclusive behind-the-scenes blog. Now swaddle your egg in bubble wrap and let's talk Bachelorette!]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['The Bachelorette' season premiere recap: Who's Your (Daughter's) Daddy?]]> Bachelorette 'journey', as Emily meets her 25 would-be suitors. There's a child involved, y'all!]]> Mon, 14 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17632 tvr_17632 tvr_17632 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP005440010075 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/14/bachelorette-recap_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/14/bachelorette-recap_175.jpg ABC WHAT A DOLL Chris thinks his cust0m-made bobblehead dolls will win him the First Impression Rose... but he's wrong. TV NO -- Reality TV Episode 01 Season 8 WHAT A DOLL Chris thinks his cust0m-made bobblehead dolls will win him the First Impression Rose... but he's wrong.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap S S Smash's fittingly exasperating finale: "Guhhhhhhhh." And you can quote me on that. Why am I so frustrated? Firstly, Smash has a nasty habit of telling rather than showing. Throughout the season, we've heard characters praise Karen's mysterious star quality. This quality is apparently inexplicable -- which is convenient, since it saves the show from having to justify why everyone in the universe looks like they've seen the face of God whenever Karen opens her mouth to sing. (Maybe that's why Katharine McPhee always keeps her lips slightly parted.) We're asked to believe that there's simply something about Karen that makes her perfect for Marilyn without ever once seeing evidence of that something. And since we can see that Ivy sings and dances just as well as her rival, the idea that Karen's got some enigmatic talent makes even less sense. This problem is exacerbated by another glaring flaw: Ivy's complete character assassination. Back in my recap of Episode 4, I worried that Smash was stacking the deck in Karen's favor by transforming the sweet, likeable Ivy we once knew into "a catty, cruel diva hellbent on making Karen miserable." 11 episodes later, Ivy is even worse -- she's now a hot mess who screws up onstage, pops pills with abandon, and indulges in spiteful revenge sex just because she can. Ivy's final, desperate, selfish act not only strains credulity but also renders the character totally unsympathetic. The moment she takes those pills -- and yes, we don't see her actually consume them, but do you really think she just put the dolls back in the bottle? -- Ivy becomes the equivalent of a snotty kid planning to teach his mom a lesson by running away. There's no way to feel for Ivy here; instead, we're left resenting her for trying to steal the spotlight on Karen's big day. And what, by the way, is the lesson of the entire Karen/Ivy opposition? That trying is bad? That if you're not born with some intangible essence, you might as well give up on your dreams altogether? Honestly, part of me hopes that Ivy kicks the bucket backstage before Season 2. If nothing else, it'd allow Megan Hilty to ditch this show for better material. Like I said before: Guhhhhhhhh. But hey -- there's more to this show than Perfect Karen and Screwed-Up Ivy. And not everything about the finale made me want to shake my fist at the heavens while yelling "WHYYYY?" Take, for example, the episode's zippy opening, which easily establishes the tension filling the Bombshell crew. Their next preview is in just 12 hours, but they still haven't chosen a new Marilyn. Karen is the understudy, but understudies never get rehearsed in until after previews; Ivy, on the other hand, knows the entire part. How will the creative team choose between them? This looks like a job for Derek's patented Hallucination Method. NEXT: Terrible Ellis, you're fired! The director examines Rebecca's old Marilyn costumes, which helpfully look just like the duds we've seen in dream theater sequences throughout Season 1. As he touches each dress, he remembers Karen or Ivy performing a particular number. Finally, he comes upon the last frock: the purple dress Karilyn has been wearing in his Prednisone-fueled fantasies. Karilyn, her face beatific, her arms outstretched like the Holy Virgin herself, appears once more. Instead of wondering whether he should see a neurologist, Derek decides to let Karen be his star. Of course, there are a few complications. Amazonian Rebecca is about eight feet taller than Iowa, so none of the costumes are going to fit. And Karen hasn't actually performed any of these numbers as the lead before. Luckily, nobody will care if Karen needs some extra time: "Everyone loves you here," Julia tells her as they prepare to start rehearsing. She's exaggerating only slightly: Ivy is giving off some serious stank from her sad perch in the third row. Eileen, meanwhile, is trying to salvage the show's press by singing Karen's praises to our old pal Michael Riedel. "It's a grand old theater story," she explains. "Movie star goes out, understudy goes in!" She forgot to include one thing: the scheming underling who finally gets his comeuppance. We still don't know why Terrible Ellis started loving Ivy a few episodes ago -- but his desire to see her as Marilyn is so great that he bum-rushes Eileen and tells her that the team has made a huge mistake. The precious part belongs to Ms. Lynn! Eileen is not amused. She sharply tells Ellis that he doesn't get a vote, then asks him to go fetch some coffee. That's when our weasely little Eve Harrington wannabe takes a running leap off the deep end. "I didn't get Rebecca Duvall out of your way so you could ignore me again," he tells Eileen with the steely smirk of a 130-pound serial peanut concealer. Yes, it's true -- 'tis he who slipped the wicked legumes into the Smoothie of Ill Fortune and Kale! Ellis thinks that this attempted murder should inspire Eileen to promote him: "I am a producer," he says smugly. "You are fired is what you are," she replies. Oh, friends, let us savor this moment together. Deliverance has come! Ellis is practically twirling his mustache as he exits stage left, vowing that we haven't seen the last of him before disappearing in a puff of smoke -- but if Smash's new showrunner has any sense, he'll see that Terrible Ellis and his J. Crew wardrobe stay gone for good. Let's get through this Julia business as quickly as possible. During a pause in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" rehearsal, Michael quietly confesses that his wife -- did anyone know or care that her name was Monica? -- left him when he told her about the affair. Julia listens and sympathetically touches Michael's arm, timing it perfectly so that Frank sees the whole thing and storms out. Oh, Lord -- how old are these people? NEXT: Chekhov's engagement ring Don't worry; that arm touch doesn't destroy Julia's marriage (again). After following him outside the theater, the lyricist tells her husband that while she can't fix what she did, the two of them can learn to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Hey, that sort of sounds like song lyrics! Time to put some words to Tom's melody. Remember how Linda pointed out that Rebecca's costumes are all wrong for Karen? Well, somehow, the sparkly dress Marilyn wears during her big USO number fits Iowa like a glove. As Karen practices "Wolf" -- such a great song! -- Ivy glowers from the wings. By contrast, Derek and Dev gaze adoringly at their girl. (Yes, Dev is now allowed to watch rehearsal. Why? Because KAREN, that's why.) When the number ends, Ivy approaches Derek and tries to get some closure. All he'll tell her is that Karen "just has something that you don't." See Page 1 for why that is utter bull. What nobody else knows is that Ivy has something Karen doesn't: the engagement ring Dev left in her room. Cue Dramatic Chipmunk sting. Karen overhears Eileen tell Derek that Iowa isn't prepared enough to play Marilyn. Then her day gets a whole lot worse -- she walks into the dressing room and finds that the ring has been placed with her stuff. Ivy immediately 'fesses up to her dalliance with Karen's fiance. Proving that she's really taking a one-way trip to Crazy Town (population: Ellis; Michael Swift; that nutty investor/rock musician who disappeared once Eileen got his money), Ivy thinks now would be a good time to give Karen relationship advice: "Men are men, and a traditional guy like Dev -- bought you a ring, took you to dinner, asked you to marry him -- it's very Joe DiMaggio of him." Yes, a traditional guy like Dev, who only proposed after he nearly cheated on you, then did cheat on you. True love! Karen confronts Dev, who apologizes for being awful and immediately takes a train to Washington DC. We never see nor hear from him again. Kidding! He says some weaksauce stuff about how they'll get through this before Karen goes back onstage, where Eileen is ready to tell her that they've decided to put Ivy in the show instead. But Derek heads her off, declaring that Karen will be Marilyn -- because, as he puts it, "I am an artist and a storyteller, and this is my vision. And no one is going to get in my way. If you want a hit, then be quiet!" Wait, did Julie Taymor ghostwrite this episode? NEXT: Karen's hero's journey, from crisis to confidence Tom and Julia's emergency songwriting sesh isn't going so great. He'd like to add in some gospel organ music to make the finale sound more triumphant; Julia hates the idea. Tom responds to her criticism by petulantly stabbing his keyboard with two fingers, like some crabby baby robot. It's all too much for Julia, who soon starts crying. "It's such a good musical! And this is a disaster," she sobs. You're half right, Jules! Oh, and then she throws up. In case we didn't understand what this means, she spells it out: the last time she threw up was when she was pregnant with Leo. Karen is so flipped out about Ivy and Dev -- whose names, together, almost spell Evildy, which must mean something -- that she rips off her wig and runs out of the theater in the middle of rehearsal. It's the wig removal that really gets to Bobby, who gossips that this act is paramount to quitting. Before long, Derek tracks Karen to the costume room, where she's sitting mournfully in her underwear. I, too, always strip when I'm feeling particularly despondent. After a brief psychoanalytic pep talk (Marilyn had her heart broken too!), Karen's ready to take the stage once more. Ivy, of course, doesn't know that yet. She meets most of the creative team, all dolled up in Marilyn's "Let's Be Bad" dress and wig. (What's the wig budget on Bombshell? Does it exceed the scarf budget?) Tom, Eileen, and Julia have all bestowed their blessings... when Derek emerges from the wings, followed by Karen in her own Marilyn wig and that emblematic purple dress. "Sorry," says Karen coolly. "I was just a little upset about something." Boom, roasted! Please, Karen, continue to have a spine and some sass, and I'll stop being so hard on you next season. There's just one thing that could make Ivy feel even worse -- a surprise visit from her mother, the fabulous Leigh "Bernadette Peters" Conroy. Leigh's come all the way from The Nutmeg State to watch her daughter's big Boston debut. Alas, tonight, tonight, just isn't Ivy's night. She sadly reveals the truth to her mom, then starts stripping the Marilyn parts of herself away. Ivy, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. And now we've arrived back at the beginning -- the long shot that opened the episode, in which the camera plays the part of Karen running around backstage before asking, one last time, that we let her be our star. The preview begins. Every musical sequence -- "Mambo"! "Lexington and 52nd Street"! No baseball number, which is a shame -- comes complete with a reaction shot of Ivy scowling backstage. Karen's voice is beautiful, and she's moving with confidence and ease. But I still think Smash failed at making us understand why Derek thinks she has something Ivy lacks. This time, the show continues past Marilyn's suicide scene. As Michael Swift sings a sad "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" reprise, Derek sidles up to Karen, who's waiting in the wing. "Whatever happens next," he tells her, "don't doubt you're a star. And I do understand love." If his love for Karen Cartwright transforms Derek from a philandering jerk into a one-woman man, I will eat my hat. (Look, I ate a hat!) NEXT: The big finish It's time to see the fruits of Tom and Julia's madcap labor. Karilyn, clad in another perfectly fitted sparkly gown, takes center stage and begins her final song: one more catchy, soaring Shaiman-Wittman tune called "Don't Forget Me." The lyrics are a little goofy -- if you see someone's hurt, or are singing "Happy Birthday," think of... Marilyn Monroe? -- but we can chalk that up to Julia having written then just moments ago. In any case, Karen sounds wonderful -- and the audience agrees, bursting into applause as Karen hits her key change. Meanwhile, Ivy's packing a handful of downers -- and, well, we all know what's going to happen next. So much for not ending a show with a suicide. One last, flickering set of Footlights - Why have I never noticed until this moment that Bobby sounds exactly like Michael Urie? - New opening title card! Because previews have officially begun -- not counting that Rebecca Dubacle -- we're starting with a bit of "Let Me Be Your Star" instead of a tune-up. Do you approve? - Ellis deserved to be fired purely for wearing that crimson abomination of a suit. He looked like a douchey Willy Wonka. - Please note how Eileen holds her phone upside-down while speaking with Riedel the first time. Anjelica Huston can hold a phone however she wants, damnit! - "I'm not running away from you," Julia tells Swift. "I'm running away from myself." She is clearly a writer. - Similarly, some of the new lyrics in "Wolf" don't exactly work: "Seeing all you GI wolves gives me an idea / Tell Hollywood that I'm staying in Korea!" - But the words aren't all bad! I loved how Ivy phrased her last question to Derek: "If it was going to be a nobody, why not me?" - I'm happy that the finale featured a little more of Ann Harada's Stage Manager Linda, Smash's secret MVP. Linda would never rip off her wig in the middle of rehearsal. - Also in this episode: Jerry, who escapes without a martini facial, and Nick Jonas, who gives Eileen back her Degas. Katie, unfortunately, was busy saving a whale who's in trouble. - So who's the father of Julia's baby? Frank? Michael? Ellis?? No, wait: the baby IS Ellis! He's just hiding in Julia's uterus! - During Derek and Dev's last confrontation, the director starts to sound a little too Phantom of the Opera: "You need to back off and let me get her through this. This is who she is. She's mine now." No wonder Marilyn's last song is a reworked "Think of Me." Well, that's it for me -- I'm all Smashed out. It's been a blast to cover this show for you, and I'm hoping to see you all again in Season 2. In the meantime, go speculation crazy: Think Ivy went through with her Marilyn-style overdose? Will Karen be able to hold onto her lead role? Will next season bring Bombshell to Broadway, or find the team working on an entirely different show? And finally, where do you think Terrible Ellis scampered off to? (Did you check underneath your bed?) Hillary on Twitter]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Smash' season finale recap: Gentlemen Prefer Cartwrights]]> Mon, 14 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17659 tvr_17659 tvr_17659 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP014189590011 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/14/smash-recap_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/14/smash-recap_175.jpg Eric Liebowitz/NBC WHO'S THAT GIRL? I'll tell you who she isn't -- Jessica, that's who. When will it be Jessica's turn to shine? Does anyone else remember who Jessica is?? TV NO -- Drama Episode 15 Season 1 WHO'S THAT GIRL? I'll tell you who she isn't -- Jessica, that's who. When will it be Jessica's turn to shine? Does anyone else remember who Jessica is??

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap D D Dancing With the Stars is this wonderfully messy live event that somehow, miraculously, becomes a TV show. There are so many things you miss in the audience in favor of zoning out and watching the dancers prepare for their routines or gem-hunting for celebs (like Donald Driver's son) in the front row. You also don't hear a lot of the details that make the TV show so charming -- like when Tom said "Bruno's always happier for himself than the star he gave the 10 to" after William and Cheryl's tango. But you do get to marvel at what a well-oiled, rhinestone-encrusted machine this show is, production-wise. I couldn't wait to get home and compare my live impressions to the telecast. Nerd alert: I couldn't wait to do my job. Another live show element I always forget: We never see Brooke! She waddled down at the end of the show in her incredible skintight metallic dress (that I believe was fashioned out of the wrappers from every flavor of Hershey's Kiss) and I had to do a double-take to remind myself that this luscious drop of chocolate was the show's co-host. We could sort of hear her interviews, but I missed staring at her. On the other hand, I had an excellent view of Bruno's gyrating ass. I guess it's a tradeoff. We're down to the final four -- William Levy, Katherine Jenkins, Donald Driver, and Maria Menounos. Who's it gonna be? We have William Levy picturing himself "winning this trophy ball" and Donald Driver's mother claiming "Donald wants to get that miracle ball to come home with." I don't know what either of those comments has to do with THE COVETED MIRRORBALL TROPHY, but I am loving the verbal variation on the ultimate DWTS prize. Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhh-ber! Maria Menounos and Derek Hough: 30 Argentine tango + 29 jive = 59 out of possible 60 I liked their first-round tango better in person than on TV, and I think it had everything to do with vibe -- the red velvet curtain provided instant intrigue, the instrumental music was powerful and different from what we'd heard, and the Argentine tango has this very compelling feeling of constant controlled momentum. I love it. The floating, leg-twisty lifts were what made Maria and Derek's routine so impressive to watch first-hand, and once I watched it back on TV I found myself wishing the whole dance had been a lift. Any time Maria's legs had to account for themselves without Derek's help, they lost some of the dance's magic. How did she get three 10s with bent knees where there were supposed to be straight lines? The couple, who had "three doctors on set today" due to Derek's thrown-out back and Maria's 30 broken bones and sprained fingernail, suffered a rough week of training. At one point Derek got so stressed out that he started hurling water bottles at the floor and had to escape into an alternate dimension via a secret exit in the rehearsal studio's wall of mirrors. I like to think he entered the video for A-ha's "Take on Me." Do you think his budding facial hair would have any chance of showing up in a pencil drawing? NEXT: 'I swear you are a winner tonight.' I had no idea that Maria was about to "play dead" at the start of their jive, so while they were setting up that table I had a lively and pointless debate with my sparkalien companion about whether the "technology" at the corner of the table looked like it was from the past or from the future. She said past, while I wouldn't put it past Derek to stage a not-too-jive-y jive in a fictional dystopia governed by, and entitled, "Gotan Project." Anyway, this was all moot because the box in question turned out to be HOSPITAL EQUIPMENT. Yep, according to this trusty heart monitor, Maria was so broken from ballroom injuries that she flat-lined. Not to worry! They had a jive to do. It wasn't a traditional jive with kicks and flicks, but somehow Len the technician didn't care about that. I liked the quirkiness of the dance but I never would have guessed that it was a jive -- not to mention it sounded like the singer kept saying "let me see you do the tango" during Janelle Monae's "Tightrope." What was it?! "Another stunner," said Carrie Ann. "I swear you are a winner tonight." Maria acted like she'd just been declared the winner of the season and proceeded to compare herself to Rocky Balboa and smother her competitors in the celebriquarium with the sheer force of her dead body. What was remarkable about Maria's segments this week is that as hysterical as she can get, it turns out her dad, Costas, cries even more than she does! William Levy and Cheryl Burke: 28 tango + 30 samba = 58/60 Tom scooted over to Cheryl to warn her "Don't f--- it up" right in front of our section before their opening tango. Ahhh. Sweet dreams are made of this. Everybody's looking for someone -- to torture her. As Tom told me during our video chat last week, Cheryl gets nervous if he doesn't swear at her before each dance, even during rehearsals. This tango was a strong start, but it didn't quite answer my main question heading into the liiiive show: Is William a great dancer or is he just so really, really, incredibly good-looking that we make him a better dancer in our heads? I was too overwhelmed by the sparkly stripe running down his black trousers to make that call during round one. "There's always a but," said Carrie Ann before saying Williams chennais were a bit off -- and I know I heard an extra t in there. William arrived in the U.S. with no food, no money, no English, no clothes. NO CLOTHES. He had this ratty red tank top, jeans, and construction boots. I know I'm supposed to be sensitive to William's emotional story of hardship and his difficult childhood in Cuba, but that last sentence honestly sounds like the beginning of a not-terrible piece of erotica. And the worse William kept making his life sound, the more I wanted him to make it sound even worse so that he could go on with his sad face, enveloped in his cozy-sexy-cool black ski cap, talking about the rough times forever and ever. NEXT: Sorry weirdo! It's time for William's sambaWilliam recycled Maks' "hot pink Easter bunny" look with the tight white pants and I'm so glad he did, but I found Cheryl's extra-long pink and orange fringe even more mesmerizing. You have to take my word for it that it looked sooooooo much better in person than it did on camera. (I admit that it looked uttah-ly ridiculous on TV.) Everything sparkles under the spotlight -- particularly on the stairs -- so that when Cheryl shook it at the beginning of the samba, the crazy fringe combined with the shimmery base of her dress conspired with the spotlights to throw me into a dance trance more hypnotic than I've experienced in 14 seasons. I didn't notice that Cheryl's chicken cutlet had popped out of her boobage until I saw it on TV. "Everything came out to party!" quipped Tom. There's always a butt, and if you stuff it into white pants you're practically begging for Bruno to "enter the pleasure zone" and nearly "die with bum envy." But you're also allowing the viewing public to see your butt for what it really is: the two most prominent perks, or peaks, on a body that can truly move. I sound like I'm being gross again but what I'm trying to say is that William can really dance. And he has FUN with it, which is always at least half the battle. Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd: 28 waltz + 29 samba = 57/60 "Man, what is it gonna take to get a 10 from Len?" Tom wondered from his perch on the stairs after Donald's samba. I can't believe Donald Driver, CEO of "driving all the way" and cover boy for RICH LI$T magazine ("Driver: The story of a mirrorball fortune") has not gotten that perfect score from the man in the middle. Beware the wrath of the adorable Mini Drivers, DANCMSTR! The MVP of Donald's life story was his gorgeous wife Betina -- truly the Michelle Obama of the ballroom; my apologies to Princess Sparkle -- who spoke fondly of their first date to McDonald's. It was because of his one true love that Donald decided to stop selling drugs and stealing cars and really focus hard on his football. Now here he is, standing proud in a suit with sparkly pinstripes, about to engage in a samba with a smart, confident woman he passes on the street after a long day at his desk. The next time you pass a rich, successful business owner on the street, consider the samba! Be sure to wear a white fringed costume under your ladysuit. Why am I reminding you of what to wear? You're no dummy. NEXT: 'I like cages.' Somehow I think contestants get a bum deal when they have to dance the boring old waltz during the semifinals, but Donald handled his round one ballroom standard with enough emotion and atmosphere to make it memorable. By atmosphere I mostly mean fog. This was the cloudiest dance I've ever seen on DWTS -- too bold? -- and I'm here to report that the deadly smoke monster emits exactly the smell you would expect: burning chemical waste. I found myself wondering if by 2015 the reality TV masterminds will come up with a DSM that at least gives off the aroma of cookies, firewood or even burning leaves. It's the least you can do for your liiiiiive audience. Anyway, we basically could not see Donald and Peta's feet for half the waltz. But they danced to Desiree's "Kissing You" from Romeo and Juliet and danced on a cloud just like Walt Disney had always wanted, so at least the couple had the "totally dreamy" vote wrapped up. "You were like a rough, tough cream puff!" cried surprisingly not Bruno. It was Len! Give him a 10, you nincompoop! Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas: 29 quickstep + 27 salsa = 56/60 I bet the back spasm Katherine suffered at the end of their round-two salsa (was it?) will overshadow their first-round effort, a delightful raspberry sorbet quickstep that began in a cage. "I like cages," Mark explained to Brooke upstairs. I know that the first thing I think of when I hear the word "quickstep" has always been "cage." It's well known that the '20s were so roaring in part because all the wild animals/ballroom dancers were cooped up in cages. After this dirty boogie of a quickstep, Carrie Ann delayed gratification, telling Katherine she hadn't brought her A game to the semifinals....she'd brought her A-plus game! The boos during that pregnant pause were so overwhelming that we in the audience couldn't hear that second part. Mark Ballas got so upset that he flung his hat off to the side and it hit me in the face! Just kidding, it was on the floor. (The warmup comic then took the time to explain Carrie Ann's sneaky correction during the next commercial break so that we wouldn't all hate her.) Just as Piers Morgan spoke of Katherine's steely determination and guts during her package, she was bravely lowering herself into a giant basket before us on the stage. Aggghhhhhh! It's just hair! NEXT: At least Mark's bloomers stayed up This bizarre Bollywood-esque salsa was not my favorite dance and Katherine's green and gold tassel-happy two-piece outfit was definitely not my favorite costume -- not to mention that Mark's ever-present spats looked totally out of place and should have been replaced by the soft shoes of Aladdin. That said, it was really fun to watch the crew organize this elaborate staging of gilded pillows and expensive rugs -- the only purpose of which, to my untrained eye, was so that Mark could have a colorful barrier between him and his partner as he knelt down to play the flute. May I remind you this was supposed to be a salsa?! When Katherine jolted up in anguish at the end of the salsa, I assumed she was just upset and overwhelmed because maybe she missed the final set of steps or something. I almost started crying for her -- as a rule, whenever people on DWTS or Idol start to cry, I cry with them, and a live show proved to be no exception. Everyone in the audience seemed similarly disturbed; there was definitely a collective sense of "Why are we all upset? What's happening?" Clearly, upon playback, that backbend at the end of the dance gave Katherine some sort of whiplash. I hope it's nothing more than that. Poor girl. And right when she had "unleashed the harlot"! MULTIMEDIA! I sat down with host/zen master Tom Bergeron after Tuesday's double elimination results show to go over season 14. Preview our chat here: . How has the Dance Duel made Tom's job more difficult -- and should we cut cohost Brooke Burke some slack for always asking contestants "How do you feel?" Where does ABC get off airing two shows with "bitch" in the title, then bleeping out Tom when he decides to fire off a "B"? Did Maks get a horrible edit this ****ing season? Will Donald ever get that 10 from Len? Has William Levy's uber-hotness made Tom partially deaf? WATCH OUR FULL-LENGTH CONVERSATION HERE -- and be sure to stick around 'til the end for Tom's special shout-out to EW.com's hidden gem-hunting community. By the way, this is the "Queen tribute band" I was referring to at the beginning -- a hidden gem in itself, from this season's Rock Week. I also caught up with showmantic lovebirds Maria and Derek -- watch them plan their freestyle (well in advance) and run through a typical day in the life of Maria Menounos: .  Who will win? Press play on the triangle below to hear Annie, Dalton Ross, and Jessica Shaw chat about the final four on this week's Inside TV Podcast. The Dancing With the Stars discussion begins at 28:40. Nominate your hidden gems of the semifinals over at PopWatch before 2 p.m. ET. Who do you think makes the final three, DANCMSTRs? See you tonight! Read more: Tom Bergeron chats with Annie about season 14 -- VIDEO Week 8 performance recap: Threesomes! Tristan MacManus blogs Threesome Night. Bloody handcuffs! 'DWTS': Your Hidden Gems of Classical Week! Was Len Goodman the original inspiration for Flashdance?! All of Annie's 'DWTS' episode recaps Ask Annie anything about 'Dancing With the Stars' (or whatever) in the video player below. To see her answers to previous questions, click on the text links below the picture. This is *not* liiiiiiive! and she is not really sitting there right now. She updates a few times per week. ]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Dancing With the Stars' recap: Four Score and Several Tears]]> Mon, 14 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17672 tvr_17672 tvr_17672 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP007473660285 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/14/DWTS-JENKINS_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/14/DWTS-JENKINS_175.jpg ABC PRINCESS OF PAIN Katherine winces after the salsa. TV NO -- Reality TV Episode 16 Season 14 PRINCESS OF PAIN Katherine winces after the salsa.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap H H How I Met Your Mother could have left us dangling for the summer in all sorts of ways, but after watching last night's hour long finale, I repeat: I can't complain. If watching the gang crowd around Marvin Waitforit Eriksen didn't leave you teary eyed, then surely watching the slow pan up to a wedding dress-wearing Robin as she prepared to marry Barney struck you right in the gut. I, for one, was ugly crying into a nearby pillow. Let's start at the beginning. We picked up where we left off last episode with Marshall and Barney drunk in Atlantic City. The two were doing everything in their power to get home in time for the birth, which included Marshall imagining a gorilla doing karate on an ATM machine and struggling to get up two steps. Lots of credit must go to Jason Segel for playing a superb drunkard. I could totally empathize with his stepping plight. We've all been there, right? Thankfully, Barney was on hand to pick up the slack, and after a botched attempt at hijacking a motorcycle on display, the two finally found their way onto a senior citizen-filled bus...heading to Buffalo. Wrong direction, boys. I really thought Barney's earnest speech to the rigid bus driver might tempt him to head towards New York, but unless it was an emergency, a U-turn was not happening. Fortunately, the senior citizens on board took pity on the stranded pair, and in a move I'm choosing to attribute to Dead Poet's Society, one by one rose from their cramped bus seats, fervently declaring, "I'm having a heart attack!" It was beautiful. It really was. Back in New York, Lily was in all-out panic mode as she waited to go to the hospital with Robin and Ted, who managed to put their differences aside to help her. I was unsure if these two would bicker in front of Lily, or even ignore each other, and I was really pleased to see that they didn't. After several episodes apart, it was nice to see a fairly seamless transition back into friendship mode, but it's moments like these that always shift things back into perspective. Lily needed a good distraction from the pain, and there was no better way to do that than to regale her with all of the best stories from the gang's past. Some of the chosen stories were Ted and the Cuban Sandwich Crisis, The Worst Cab Ride Ever, The Time We Tested if Banana Peels are Really Slippery, When Barney Tried to Pick Up Girls as the Terminator, and (my personal favorite) Where Does That Door Go? Answer: Nowhere, but it did give Marshall a good scare. In between trading the most random stories, which could each be an episode in itself, Ted managed to find the time to send out a "Kick-Ass Labor Announcement E-mail" featuring a man, a woman, and their best friend embarking on the grand journey of Lily's dilating cervix. And they want YOU to be a part of it's grand opening! (What is our society turning into?) Thankfully, Lily's contractions finally reached four-minute intervals, and off to the hospital they went. NEXT: Mickey Aldrin has the worst bedside manner everNow the party really starts. Robin, God bless her, got her game face on and prepared to help Lily's son make his way into the world, but one look under that medical blanket and - BOOM! - Robin was out cold on the floor. I've never witnessed a birth before, but I'm guessing it's not something the faint-hearted should take a peek at. As Ted ushered her out, Lily was left alone, but suddenly a male figure appeared in the doorway. Could it be Marshall?! No, but a grinning Mr. Aldrin greeted us. Guess he got the labor announcement! Lily wasn't thrilled to see her dad because (as she recounted earlier) Mickey Aldrin's unsuitability to deal with medical situations dates all the way back to when a 7-year-old Lily was getting her tonsils removed and her dad did anything but calm her down. Her pregnancy proves to be no different, and Mr. Aldrin is soon escorted out. Robin and Ted were in the waiting room, finally getting the closure they both needed to move past their prolonged fighting. I know this episode was filled with some really big moments, but as I said before, this smaller one made me just as happy. It's no fun when two friends who are part of a larger group are fighting, especially two with as great of a friendship as Ted and Robin. With all the happy moments this episode gave us, it would have been a hard pill to swallow to go the whole summer knowing these two are still on the outs. Back in the delivery room, Marshall finally made his way to New York just in time to tell a sweating, heaving Lily that he promised Barney he would give their son the middle name of Waitforit, which I think is pure brilliance. Lily agreed, and between pushes managed to scream, "ARGHHHH, THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME." And with that, the beautiful Marvin Waitforit Eriksen was born. Thank you, producers, for going for the sucker punch naming the baby after Marshall's father. Could you get to me any more? Ugh, where did I put those damn tissues... After a gorgeous moment of the gang crowding around little Marvin, Robin and Ted headed back to the waiting room to continue their chat, and by chat, I mean Robin handing Ted a big dose of reality. "You're full of crap" she says. "You say you want a family, you say want to meet 'The One,' but you're always chasing the wrong women." She cites Stella and Zoe as bad romantic choices, but urges Ted to reach out to Victoria, the one who truly got away. I swear I could hear viewers all across America getting off their couches to give Robin a standing ovation. Finally, someone tells Ted what he needs to hear. NEXT: Barney says hello to Hello Kitty Someone else getting a blast of reality was Barney, who realized that after arguing with Quinn, he ran off to Atlantic City for two days without calling. Would she be there when he got home? I would have thought that the no-nonsense Quinn would have split the second she didn't hear from Barney, but no, she did him one better and exacted her revenge in the form of a Hello Kitty redecoration of his entire apartment. I shudder. Barney, however, wasn't mad to see his pad given a pretty in pink makeover. He was just flooded with relief that Quinn stuck around. I'm not the biggest Quarney fan, but I did think this moment was really sweet, especially as you could feel Barney's relief. Over at Lily and Marshall's, Ted was busy snapping photos of the parents and their newest addition. When Robin grabbed the camera and took one of Ted and Marvin, a sad epiphany struck: Ted isn't in a place in his life where he can have kids. This provides just the push he needs to call Victoria, who happens to have a Runaway Bride-sized gap in her afternoon to meet Ted at MacLaren's. He anxiously awaited her arrival and, oh, she arrived, decked out in the casual attire of a wedding gown. The fact that's she was walking down the aisle in a few hours seemed to have sent her into a tailspin and she propositioned Ted: "Let's drive off into the sunset together." And off they go. I couldn't help but be alarmed that Ted was so quick to take Victoria's sunset offer since he knows exactly how it feels to be left at the altar, so I was happy when he changed his mind soon after they started driving. While it would have been nice for the two to finally find the happiness that keeps eluding them, I just didn't want Ted to have this on his conscience. It seemed like something he would look back on and regret one day. Unfortunately, Ted's moment of clarity didn't last long, and after images of the times he and Victoria parted flashed through his mind, he drove right past the church, fingers entwined with hers. NEXT: Barney won't give it up The other couple seemingly headed towards the Pacific sunset was Barney and Quinn, as they decided to take a trip to Hawaii to celebrate their reconciliation. But Barney, master of mischief, got stopped at security since he decided to carry on a box that looked like it had been swiped from the Game of Thrones set. Getting taken to a holding room for questioning still wasn't enough to get Barney to reveal what was hidden inside, but Quinn threatening to leave was. The trick was revealed, and the box turned into a small, aluminum case that set to explode, revealing a red flower holding one hell of an engagement ring. Barney proposed, Quinn accepted, a security guard slyly took a picture, and for a second, I thought all of our HIMYM characters had nice, romantic storylines that were tied up heading into the summer. Then I remembered Robin, and when Barney and Quinn burst into Lily's to share the good news, my eyes went immediately to her. This episode alone, Robin helped Lily get through her labor and helped Ted realize his romantic potential, but where was her payoff? Other than getting a promotion at work, this year has been a rocky one for Robin. It's been a while since we've seen her truly happy, and she's been through enough this season to deserve something good. All these thoughts flashed through my mind as she quietly managed to tell Barney that she was happy for him. Did you feel the slow, dull ache for her? Could you have known what was about to come next? We flash forward to a scene that has been dangled in front of us for a while now. It's a little ways down the road at Barney's wedding, and as Ted helps ready him to walk down the aisle, Lily enters and tells Ted that the bride is asking for him. This is as far as we've ever gotten. But tonight, with seconds to spare until the door closed on the seventh season, Ted enters a different room, the camera slowly pans up on a wedding gown, the bride turns and...it's Robin. The magnitude of tears that began pouring out of my eyes when I saw her face could be measured on a Richter scale. Seeing Robin so unhappy just moments before to now seeing her in a wedding dress felt like jumping into a cold pool after exiting a Jacuzzi: deliciously sweet. So many of us have been rooting for this pair to be together, and though I'm sure many of you will theorize away, for now, we can enjoy the idea of this marriage. So as I said at the top of this recap, I can't complain. I can spend the long summer months knowing that the Lily and Marshall have transitioned from the cutest couple in the world to the cutest parents. I can rest assured that despite a hard year, happiness for Robin is just around the corner. I can hope that Ted and Victoria figure out what the hell it is they're doing before it's too late, and I can smile and shrug my shoulders knowing that our esteemed bachelor Barney is officially off the market.  I'm satisfied, readers. Are you? QUOTABLES  Lily: I can't go to the hospital without Marshall! Robin: I'm on it. Lily, spread your legs, I'm gonna see if we can see the hooves. Uh, the snout. Uh, the head. "Lily, if you don't push, I will shove that baby up your throat, and pull it out of your mouth!" - Dr. Sonya "Sir, this man is having a baby tonight and instead of going to St. Marcus hospital, we're going to Buffalo. And I've seen women from there. The city's aptly named." - Barney Ted: Victoria was great. Robin: And you threw it all away to chase some hot piece of ass! Ted: You mean you? Robin: Thank you! "You're gonna love the park, buddy. It's a great place to meet chicks. Or dudes. Or both." - Marshall]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['How I Met Your Mother' season finale recap: Marvin Waitforit Eriksen]]> Mon, 14 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17669 tvr_17669 tvr_17669 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP007537960167 http://img2-1.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/14/how-i-met-your-mother-recap_75.jpg http://img2-1.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/14/how-i-met-your-mother-recap_175.jpg Richard Cartwright/CBS TELL ME ANOTHER STORY But don't hold Lily's hand while you do it or you might lose a finger TV NO -- Comedy Episode 24 Season 7 TELL ME ANOTHER STORY But don't hold Lily's hand while you do it or you might lose a finger

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap R R Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. NEXT: Juicy Joe blows off some steam... So gross, what else happened. There was a whole lot of talk about the Solstice blowout. Caroline said Teresa's problem was that Melissa is a "better, younger version of you - Teresa's so threatened it's not even funny." OUCH, way too harsh but probably true. Perhaps the saddest image all season was Juicy Joe hitting that punching bag as if he were really beating the crap out of it, when really, Milania could have smacked it harder. It was sort of sad seeing those huge sausage casing muscles do so little damage - it was only sad because it's a metaphor for how pathetic Juicy has been all season. There was something deeply wrong with how he sat around calling all the women names behind their backs - isn't he the one who makes borderline homophobic comments about men who gossip? He called Caroline a bore, Rosie a "butchie boy," and Kathy a "frog," and then said something pretty disturbing to Teresa: "All you need is me." A husband alienating his wife from all her friends is a bad sign. Trying way too hard to stay relevant, Kathy planned a pool party for her kids and their friends ... and all the other Housewives. Richie wisely called his children's friends and told them not to come, so they wouldn't have to witness the Giudices in action. Smartest thing anyone on this show has done in a while. Basically, the pool party went down exactly as anyone would have predicted. Caroline and Jacqueline canceled, and then Teresa and Joe Gorga had a talk that turned ugly, and Teresa stormed out of the house. It's not even worth re-"hatching" the arguments they had, because it's the exact same thing we've been listening to for a season and a half at this point: Teresa stopped being an aunt, Joe didn't make even time for Teresa, both their spouses got between their relationship, etc. As delusional and stoopid as Teresa may be, I really get the sense that Gorga is kind of play-acting by extending the conflict he has with his sister -- almost as though he knows better, but he doesn't actually want things to improve with Teresa just yet. (Teresa genuinely doesn't know better. Joe should know better than anyone how that mind of hers works or fails to work). Or maybe I have a hard time believing he'd really say "I'm an angel from God!" or "God will punish you" and actually mean it. Against all reason, I'm optimistic that next week's "field day" episode will bring some entertainment. It reminds me of the kind of thing old sitcoms would do when the writers ran out of ideas. I really wish Bravo had shaken up the cast before this season. Kathy may be the voice of reason - yikes! - but she's basically there to talk about the Giudice-Gorga feud, and if anything, we need much less of that. This show desperately needed new blood to bring in outside, non-family conflict. But I guess it's way too late for that. Even though I'm on Caroline's side (barely) in her beef with Teresa, she's becoming impossible to watch. We get it, you're going through the Change and you're fed up with everyone and everything. What's your reason to keep watching?]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Meanest Brother Ever]]> Sun, 13 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17647 tvr_17647 tvr_17647 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/11/RHONJ-screengrab_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/11/RHONJ-screengrab_175.jpg TERRIBLE FIFTIES Milania and Caroline have something in common — they're both grumpypants who need a time out. TV NO -- Reality TV Episode 04 Season 4 TERRIBLE FIFTIES Milania and Caroline have something in common — they're both grumpypants who need a time out.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap O O Please let Emma finally drop her Scully act and start believing in the curse. Find a way to restore Storybrooke's citizens' memories. If you can, bring back Kristin Bauer van Straten's sexily malevolent Maleficent -- and Sheriff Skinnyjeans for good measure. And most of all, please find a way to make Storybrooke's story lines as absorbing as Once Upon a Time's fairybacks. Okay, fine, one more thing: It'd be really cool if Prince Charming could take over my viEWer duties for just one night. Lo and behold, earlier this evening I found that all my deepest desires had been granted. As executive producers Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz promised, "A Land Without Magic" was a total game-changer -- and Once will be an even stronger show next season, thanks to its revelations. For several episodes, it's seemed like this series was rejecting forward momentum on principle; tonight, though, our master plot took a great leap forward. And it's all thanks to the power of Twue Wuv. As the finale begins, Charming is doing his darndest to escape Regina's dungeon. Though he manages to take down a few masked guards, he soon finds himself outnumbered -- until one lackey shoots his supposed comrade with an arrow. Who is this masked man? Why, it's our dearly departed Huntsman -- and he's happy to do whatever it takes to help James find Snow. Aww, good dog! Have a biscuit. Meanwhile, a puzzled Dr. Whale is examining Henry in Storybrooke's one hospital room. (Seriously, isn't that the same set where David once languished in his coma?) The kid's totally still and unresponsive, but he has no symptoms suggesting a neurotoxin. It's almost like his catatonia was caused by... "magic," finishes Emma. Then she picks up Henry's story book... and suddenly, she finds herself believing in the crazy tales he's been spinning. Does this mean Emma actually remembers her own exodus from Fairy Land, or simply that she no longer thinks Henry is cuckoo bananas? Who knows -- either way, Emma is onto Regina. And she. Is. Pissed. As soon as the Evil Queen shows up at the hospital, Emma drags her into a storage closet and roughs her up a little while revealing that 1) she's worked past her skepticism and 2) Henry ate The Apple Turnover of Doom. Regina is horrified about what's happened, but has an idea about what to do next: It's time for a trip to Gold's pawn shop. NEXT: Battle Magicale Cue Rumpelstiltskin popping up in Fairy Land as well. He tells Charming that he's there to aid the prince as he searches for Snow in the Infinite Wood -- but that the imp's help will, of course, come with a price. At first, James isn't willing to play Rumpel's game. But soon, he finds that fighting a magically endowed dark creature with nothing but a pair of puny, un-magical blades isn't exactly easy. Finally, the prince acquiesces, and Rump pulls out his glowing vial of Love Potion #9. He needs Charming to help him store the elixir in a safe spot -- like, say, the belly of a beast. Pro tip: Never play Hide and Seek with Rumpelstiltskin. Emma and Regina trek down to Goldtown, where the shopkeeper instantly senses that Emma's become a believer. He exposits once more that true love is a powerful potion with the ability to break any curse -- and that he imbued the Dark Curse's parchment with a drop of that potion, which is why Emma is the only one who can break it. (She, like the concoction itself, is a product of Snow White and Prince Charming's love.) To end the hex once and for all, Emma will need to retrieve the rest of the potion. And though Gold doesn't explain exactly how she's going to do that, he does say that having her father's sword will help. Now that is a handsome Mother's Day present. Before she can embark on her quest, Emma has to tie up a few loose ends. She heads back to the hospital, where she apologizes for not believing Henry, then goes to August's room in an attempt to enlist his help. Unfortunately, August isn't exactly a real boy anymore. Emma gets there just in time to see her would-be caretaker transform back into a man-sized puppet. I'm going to ignore any possible dirty jokes and go back to Regina, who's making her own apologies to Henry. Are we supposed to feel sorry for the queen, or believe that she really has the capacity to care for her adopted son? Because I still feel a bit like Once's writers want to have it both ways: they characterize Regina as the absolute embodiment of evil most of the time, then try to make her a three-dimensional person when it's convenient. Maybe this will be sorted out in Season 2. In the meantime, Regina's got another problem to deal with. Jefferson has appeared at the hospital, intending to collect on Regina's promise to reunite him with his daughter. Regina, who's selfish to the core, snarls that their deal is null and void since Henry ate the apple rather than Emma. She smarms that even if he wants to kill her for this, the Hatter doesn't have the guts, then stalks off to meet Emma. Jefferson doesn't take this lying down. Instead, he creeps into the hospital's secret underground asylum, bypasses Nurse Ratched and mute Chief Bromden, and swans into a certain cell... where crazy Belle waits, wondering why she speaks with an Australian accent and wishing she had a nice squirrel baby for company. Jefferson gives the girl her freedom and a mission: to find Mr. Gold and tell him that Regina locked her up. NEXT: Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus It's go time for Emma and Regina. The queen/mayor/HBIC leads Ms. Swan to a mysterious room beneath the clock tower, where she reveals a Get Smart-esque apparatus that hides a manual elevator. She's going to stand at the top, working the lift's controls; Emma's must descend in it alone. Once she gets to the bottom, she finds herself face-to-enormous eye with one of Regina's old pals: Maleficent, who has been trapped beneath Storybrooke in her giant dragon form. As Emma does battle with her new foe -- switching to her trusty pistol when Charming's sword doesn't seem like it'll do the trick -- we flash back and forth between her fight and her father's own duel with Maleficent. Rumpel has tasked James with hiding the potion (safely stored within a Triwizard Tournament-style golden egg) inside of the sorceress. Fairy tale logic: gotta love it. James manages to succeed by launching himself onto the dragon's back, tossing the egg within her, and then propelling himself straight out of a stained-glass window and into the lake below the witch's castle. Well, they say that the best solution is often the simplest. Emma, meanwhile, finally ditches the gun and uses a fairy tale weapon to fulfill a fairy tale quest. She tosses the blade at the dragon's heart -- and it hits its target, reducing Maleficent to a pile of ashes. The only thing left is the golden egg she was so helpfully incubating. After Charming drags himself to dry land, Rumpel hands over his reward: the prince's mother's engagement ring, which he's enchanted so that it will lead James to his one true love. After Rump Prince Ali's James some more fetching duds, Charming sets off in Snow's direction. There's a glass coffin; there's a final kiss; there's a miraculous resurrection. Hurrah, Twue Wuv wins! Charming steps things up after the rescue by proposing; Snow White does him one better, suggesting that they go ahead and take back their kingdom. Technically, I think they've got two kingdoms to conquer -- but something tells me these crazy kids just get it done. As Emma's riding back up to the surface, the elevator abruptly stops. But when the sheriff calls up, it's not Regina who answers -- it's Gold, who claims that the mayor has abandoned Ms. Swan in the shaft. Since Emma can't climb while carrying the egg, he suggests that she throw it up to him, then shimmy out of this tight spot. Proving once again that her instincts are top-notch, Emma does as Gold says... and promptly discovers that she got played. Regina's been tied up outside the elevator; Gold is headed back to his shop with the stolen elixir. There, Gold removes his prized Potion #9 from the golden egg. Before Gold can put the next phase of his plan into action, though, he faces a surprise visitor: Crazy Tangle-Haired Belle, who repeats the lines Jefferson fed her in the hospital. Gold is utterly shocked -- the lady is real! She's alive! She's still questionably Australian! Now he's got a buddy to bring along on the next phase of his plan. NEXT: Sometimes I am frightened / But I'm ready to learn / Of the power... of looooove! Regina and Emma are ready to search for that two-timing Mr. Gold when fate throws a heartbreaking wrench into their plans. They get simultaneous calls from the hospital, then trek back to Henry's resting place... only to find that their son has apparently succumbed to his apple-induced injuries. Both women are crying. Emma slowly approaches her kid's body and brushes his hair away from his forehead. Then she leans down, whispers that she loves him, and kisses him. Looks like she didn't need that Twue Wuv potion after all. Her kiss and her declaration are magic enough to revive Henry -- and send shockwaves throughout Storybrooke. Each one of the town's residents suddenly regains all of their Fairy Land memories. That's right -- Henry is alive, and the curse is officially over! Ding-dong, the false identities are all dead -- which may make it difficult to distinguish between Storybrooke and the fairybacks, should they continue into next season. But who cares -- in any case, Maine just got a whole lot more interesting. Even though they've all suddenly remembered who Regina really is, the folks in the hospital -- including Dr. Whale, Mother Superior/the Blue Fairy, and Emma -- don't immediately accost the cursed witch. Instead, they let her run back to her mansion, where she buries her face in Henry's pillow and starts crying. It's a little late to be trying for the sympathy vote, Mayor. Get your hankies out, folks -- next up is the reunion we've been waiting to see since October. David is on his way out of town when he realizes he's not really David. But as soon as it all comes back to him, he turns his truck around and finds Mary Margaret -- er, Snow White. The two recognize each other and come together for a massively romantic, camera-spinning kiss. He found her! She never let go! He had her at "Hello"! It wasn't over; it still isn't over! Swoon. Gold -- or should I say Rumpelstiltskin? -- leads Belle into the woods. (Sorry that I just got every song from that musical stuck in your head.) There's a brief pause when she remembers who she really is, and that she loves him -- but before they can enjoy a real reunion, Rumpel has Belle press on to the wishing well where August once brought Emma. He reminds us that the well's waters can return that which one has lost. It seems pretty clear that the imp is finally going to do what he came to Earth to do: find Baelfire. But then Rumpelstiltskin dashes our expectations once again. He drops the love potion into the well. Soon, a giant cloud of purple smoke comes billowing out of it. The smoke monster rolls through the woods and into the town, engulfing each character in turn. As Regina sees it approach, her frown slowly turns into a satisfied smirk. Because she knows what Rump has just done: He's bringing magic to Storybrooke. And why? "Because magic is power," he tells Belle as the monster creeps up the town's clock tower -- and the minute hand moves once more. SCENE. NEXT: Season 1's last breadcrumbs. Tasty! Leftover Breadcrumbs (great for making meatballs!) - Charming isn't just a good fighter -- he's freaking brutal when he wants to be. Witness, for example, the way he breaks one of Regina's guards' arms with his bare hands. Didn't Snow Dark do that once as well? - And speaking of fights: There were so many action sequences in this finale! Which was your favorite? - The Huntsman's appearance was short but sweet. Like you, I'm still hoping Kitsis, Horowitz et al can figure out a good way to revive him in Season 2. - I loved when Rump tossed Charming's ring in the air and then announced, "This ring is now enchanted." Next on his agenda? Getting two tickets to that thing you love, then transforming those tickets into diamonds. - Gold says he's saving True Love for a rainy day. Emma: "Well, it's storming like a bitch. Where is it?" - Emma, trying to ask a gradually petrifying August for help: "This is all too much. I just talked to the Evil Queen and Rumpelstiltskin about a quest to find magic!" - Maleficent shares the caverns under Storybrooke with Snow's busted-up glass coffin. What other magical treasures might be lurking below? - Also locked up in the Cuckoo's Nest Asylum: Sidney Glass. Methinks the Mirror won't be too pleased with how he's been treated, now that he knows who he really is. - Unnecessary Henry Line of the Night: "The curse. I think you broke it!" - So what happens to Pinocchio now? Is he a sentient, man-sized puppet, or has the end of the curse and the influx of magic transformed him back into a real boy -- er, full-grown adult? Well, that's it for now, Oncelers. It's been a privilege and a pleasure to recap this series for you -- and I hope to see you all back here come fall. In the meantime, share your feelings on "A Land Without Magic" below. Was it all you could wish for on a star? And what are you looking forward to seeing next season? Hillary on Twitter]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Once Upon a Time' season finale recap: Now I'm a Believer]]> Sun, 13 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17516 tvr_17516 tvr_17516 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP014194780019 http://img2-2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/11/once-upon-a-time_75.jpg http://img2-2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/11/once-upon-a-time_175.jpg David Gray/ABC A CHANGE IS GONNA COME And making goofy faces won't save you, Regina. TV NO -- Drama Episode 22 Season 1 A CHANGE IS GONNA COME And making goofy faces won't save you, Regina.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap M M Mad Men, just a quick scan of the message boards revealed that a single face has been driving many of you to distraction: Megan's. (For some, I quite literally mean her face. Strange that I never read anyone making fun of Pete's odd teeth.) At the risk of losing all of you completely before I'm even through the first paragraph, it's no secret that I started this season feeling defensive of Megan against the haters. Beyond just enjoying an optimistic woman who's sharp as a tack and so different from the cynical, deathlessly unhappy citizens of SCDP, I really loved what she meant for Don as a new beginning. But, yes, by last week, I admit I'd grown a twinge sick of her too, and was grateful that she was finally leaving SDCP so Don could finally get back to doing what he does best: Advertising, and being an a--hole. Oh, and did he ever. Not only did we get a major dose of the old Don Draper attempting to roar back into fighting shape last night, but Betty finally returned! And we got a juicy Sally story! And a juicy Roger story! And Pete ruined Gilmore Girls for everyone! Filled with self-serving dirty tricks masking (what else) gnawing, chronic insecurity, it was a motley stew of an episode, with moments for just about every character except for the AWOL Lane Pryce. So let's start with the woman whose been AWOL herself this season: Betty. We opened with what appeared to be a daily breakfast ritual for Betty: Burnt toast, carefully weighed cubes of cheese, and a grapefruit. (A fair number of carbs in that diet, but I digress.) In the months since we'd last seen Betty wolfing down her daughter's dessert, it seems she'd committed to changing the course of her life (and body), and joined Weight Watchers -- likely one of the very first Weight Watchers, which had only just been founded by Queens housewife Jean Nidetch in 1963. (Fun fact! In the '80s and '90s, Weight Watchers was owned by Heinz.) At her first meeting of the episode, Betty was preoccupied. Yes, she'd lost half a pound, but she reluctantly told her fellow watchers of weight that the week before, she'd "had a very trying experience." She didn't give any details, but we already knew what she was talking about: For the first time, Betty stepped inside Don and Megan's apartment, where she A) Saw their stylish and fabulous Manhattan high-rise home (in contrast to her gloomy gothic castle in Rye); B) Saw Megan through a window in just her bra -- young, beautiful, thin; and C) Saw Don's young, beautiful, and thin second wife lovingly kiss all three of Betty's children goodbye. As Betty described it in her meeting: "I was in an unfamiliar place, and I saw -- felt -- a lot of things I wish I hadn't." When she'd gotten home that night, the first thing Betty did was race to her fridge and squirt a giant wad of whipped cream directly into her mouth. I admit, I guffawed pretty hard, but was cut to the quick by how Betty handled her moment of weakness. The old Betty would have gulped down the mouthful of whipped cream and then brooded over her guilt. The new-ish Betty immediately spit it out, ashamed, but not a slave to her feelings. Yet. NEXT PAGE: "Fat" Betty: Just as vindictive as skinny Betty  The new-ish Betty was also, like Don, trying hard not to make the same mistakes in her second marriage that she'd made in her first. When she found Henry frying a late night steak ("I can't eat fish five times a week"), Betty pulled up a chair and apologized for her diet forcing him into the situation. Henry gently admonished her that he wasn't up late preoccupied about her problems; his boss, John Lindsay, the Republican mayor of New York City, wasn't going to run for president in 1968. "I got on the wrong horse, Betty," he sighed. "It's so easy to blame our problems on others, but really, we're in charge of ourselves," she responded. "And I'm here to help you, as you're here to help me. We'll figure out what's next." She may have been simply parroting her Weight Watchers talking points, but it was also maybe the most mature thought Betty's ever expressed on the show, and a damn fine definition of a healthy marriage to boot. It's a relief to see that even Betty is capable of growth, however infinitesimal. Of course, Henry's idea of helping for Betty was to enable her to cheat on the one thing she says she wants to commit to doing, while feeding her like she was still a kid. Betty's declaration of mutual respect and support, meanwhile, was also the literal antithesis of the episode, as Betty herself proved the moment Don unwittingly slid back into her life. As Sally worked on her family tree project at the kitchen table, Betty sorted through Bobby's homework and stumbled upon a drawing of a bleeding whale with harpoons sticking out of its side. On the back, she found a note from Don to Megan that stuck a harpoon directly into her own heart:
Lovely Megan, I went to buy a light bulb. When I get back, I'll see you better. Love, Don
Unable to eat her feelings anymore, Betty lashed out instead at the very first victim to catch her eye: her daughter. "You know what, don't forget your Daddy's first wife," Betty almost spat at Sally, who was immediately and understandably confused. What first wife? And why hadn't Megan told her about Anna? "I don't know why Megan didn't tell you," said Betty, her voice dripping with ice. "Ask her." We'd been prepped for the ghost of Anna Draper to return thanks to the "previously on Mad Men" that played before the episode, but the meanness of this moment still made my stomach do a somersault. People may grow, but that doesn't mean they've changed. Betty's plan, however, backfired, in more ways than one. I'll get to how in a bit, but when Sally came back from her next trip to Don and Megan's, she did not have the report her mother had been hoping for. First, came praise: Sally had gotten an A+ on her family tree. She was turning things around at school. Good for her! Oh, and, by the way, what did Don and Megan say about Anna? "Daddy showed me pictures," said Sally, with a knowing look that chilled me even more. "They spoke very fondly of her." It was a delicious moment of comeuppance that was both satisfying and very sad. "We should fill ourselves with our children, our homes, our husbands, our health, our happiness," the Weight Watchers instructor told Betty, and Betty, bless her, appeared to know this, to hear these words, even as she also knew that somehow what she had was still not enough. "I'm thankful that I have everything I want," Betty said at her family's Thanksgiving. "And that no one else has anything better." Woof. And then Betty took her one, and only, bite of stuffing, and her face melted, as waves of pure happiness washed over her. Say what you will about January Jones, but that was a killer piece of acting. NEXT PAGE: Don embodies the devil, in more ways than one Like Betty, Don was also unexpectedly threatened by a younger, sharper quasi-replacement, after unwittingly coming upon dashed-off documents not meant for his eyes. It all started after Pete announced that a reporter from the New York Times Sunday Magazine was doing a story on hip ad agencies ("hep" corrected Bert, hilariously), leading Don to put together the best of all their recent campaigns. It was fascinating to see the actual ads we'd only heard about this season -- "If you can find a less expensive way to fly to Lake Placid take it"; "Search for a Prince until you find a Butler" -- which looked authentic and really smart. Don seemed to realize just how smart at the same moment he realized how many were penned by Michael Ginsberg. "Peggy really got buried with Heinz," mumbled Don, but he really seemed to be thinking, "Wait, who's this kid I'm only now realizing has written all this great material?" That weekend, while working alone in the office, Don happened upon Michael's workspace, the desk light still on, trained on a folder as if like a spotlight with the label "S--- I gotta do." Curious, Don flipped through it: It was all ideas for the (now discontinued) Pepsi Sno Ball, and they were odd and funny enough that the caused Don to laugh, and for the first time all season, ignited his brain -- and his sense of healthy competition. He blew off dinner, and seeing his kids home with Betty, and instead brainstormed at his desk, into a dictation machine. After a few fits and starts, he hit upon an idea, that started with a familiar idiom that had Don flirting with his old, darker self. "A Sno Balls chance in hell," he thought out loud. "They don't melt. They're refreshing for the damned. They're sinful. The Sno Ball is the sin that gets you into hell. They're sinfully delicious." He paused. "Jesus, not that." The following Monday, Don was ready for the pitch meeting. First, Peggy's idea, a witty take off of New Yorker cartoons that had three guys trapped in the desert thinking of water, and the fourth imagining a Sno Ball. Don was unimpressed. "What's the line?" Peggy tried to keep from frowning, and said what I was thinking: "Doesn't need one." Next up, Michael, who said with a target audience of children, the joke had to be big and brash: "Hit me in the face with a Sno Ball," with a series of figures kids hate getting hit with a real snow ball, like a cop, business man, Indian chief, maybe a pig -- a non sequitur that had everyone laughing. (A telling detail: The first person Michael had sketched getting hit with a snow ball: Adolf Hitler.) Finally, Don gave his pitch, with the devil holding a Sno Ball thinking, "Yes -- even me." What I loved most about these three pitches is that they were all good, but they also appealed mostly to the person giving them: Peggy's to twenty-and-thirtysomething bohemian/intellectuals, Don's to fortysomething adults maybe too familiar with their own vices, and Michael's to kids and kids-at-heart. It's no shock that I personally liked Peggy's the most, but thinking about who was actually going to eat Sno Balls, Michael's was the one that made the most sense. Michael knew his idea was the best, and he could not help but insult Don by praising his idea: "It's damn impressive you could not write for so long and come back with that. It's good to know." When mock-ups of Don and Michael's ideas were shown to the other departments, everyone liked both equally, but leaned more towards Michael's which was funnier. Again, Michael -- a man seemingly incapable of knowing how others perceive him -- did not know to hide his pride and self-satisfaction. Had he played it cooler, Don may not have "accidentally" left Michael's idea in the cab en route to pitch the idea to Sno Ball. Nah, Don still totally would have ditched it. When he found out, Michael was incredulous. Even though the client did buy Don's idea, how dare he not even show them Michael's pitch! The next day, fidgeting with anger, he tried to confront Don in the elevator. "What do I care?" he sniffed, before channeling Jimmy Durante. "I've got a million of 'em. A million." "Good," said a cool-eyed, stock still Don, winding up for his right hook. "I guess I'm lucky you work for me." Reeling, Michael got reckless, telling his boss with unvarnished contempt, "I feel bad for you." And then Don went for the low blow: "I don't think about you at all." KO. But as we followed Don out of the elevator and into the office, it was plain as day that Michael had started living rent free in Don's head. Michael started the season simply happy to have a job, but between all the new, strong ads now in his portfolio, and his predilection for irking all of his coworkers, I wonder how much longer his employment at SCDP will last. NEXT PAGE: Roger calls on Jane for help, but the price is a steep one If Michael does end up parting ways with SCDP, I will forever be grateful to him for the scene where Roger cajoled him into doing some off the books work on pitching Manischewitz wine. "It will involve a client dinner," explained Roger. "And murrrrderrrr," said Michael, slinking back into Roger's giant swivel chair. That is the love-him-or-hate-him Michael Ginsberg, perfectly distilled: Brash and ironic and completely out of place in Mad Men's world -- and hilarious. And mirth only continued from there, with Roger contributing his fair share of bot mots: "The brand is Manischeviz." "You assume that I'm Jewish." "Stop talking." "[The idea] has to be cheap -- surprise -- but impactful." "You know Don. Tall guy. Short temper." Roger eventually explained that he needed Michael to help land this account without Pete ever being the wiser, but he still needed to shell out $100 (and another $100 after the dinner) to get Michael to do it. That's half the bribe Roger paid to Peggy for her under-the-table work on Mohawk ("I've got to start carrying less cash," mumbled Roger), but after Michael's swelling ego led him to blab about the job to Peggy, Roger had to endure Peggy tearing into him on the elevator for being so selfish. The recurring elevator motif was amusing -- especially given last week's spooky empty elevator shaft -- but I'm dubious that in the mid-1960s, elevators were a kind of confessional box where employees could openly insult their bosses. "You are not loyal," said Peggy, seething. "You only think about yourself." "Were we married?" Roger barked, in a rare flash of anger that shifted into the episode's central theme. "Because you're thinking about yourself too. That's the way it is. It's every man for himself." Roger also had to bribe his soon-to-be-ex-wife Jane into being his date for the Manischeviz dinner, since the whole reason Bert handed him the business was to take advantage of Roger's "Semitic wife." (Again, loved Bert's reaction to the news Roger was divorcing Jane: "Already?" That Bert, always with the mot juste.) Jane's price was a fair shade higher than Michael's. She wanted a new apartment. For one, Roger's mother was her landlord (!), and for another, her current place "has a lot of memories and it's painful to be here." Roger, as he does whenever anyone asks him for money, folded quickly. The dinner went perfectly. They loved Michael's idea -- a bus ad with a picture of the legs of the people on the bus, all with bottles of Manischeviz under their seat -- which Roger pointedly did not claim as his own. Jane looked stunning, as always. And then there was the matter of the clients' grown son, a strapping chap who was delayed for dinner thanks to his yacht and had no problem throwing a great deal of attention Jane's way. (Question for yacht people: Is yachting something one does in New York in November?) All it took was a young, rich man flirting with Jane to ignite Roger's libido. He managed to talk his way into Jane's new apartment, and have his way with her, blasting right past Jane's tepidly expressed hesitation. The next morning, however, Jane made her unhappiness clear: By sleeping with Roger in her new place, it was no different than the old one. "You ruined this," she said. Roger's face fell. "You get everything you want, and you still had to do this," Jane continued, echoing Peggy. Roger seemed truly penitent. "You're right. I don't know why I did that. I feel terrible." My colleague Ken Tucker didn't buy this scene, but I think Roger really does want that LSD trip to have changed him, make him freer but also less of a callous cad. So does this final scene suggest that Roger's psychedelically enhanced vigor has been deflated? Or do you agree with Ken, that Roger left Jane's apartment "with a triumphant grin on his face"? Perhaps it's both? NEXT PAGE: Sally finds her inner Betty, and she ain't pretty When we last saw Sally, Roger's selfishness had also rudely pushed her further into adulthood, an unnerving trajectory that continued last night. Sally was hard at work on a family tree project for school, something she devoted a great deal of care and thought to, an attempt to organize her increasingly fractured family. Her father had shown little interest -- he hadn't even bothered to get her the colored pencils she needed to complete it. No one had yet explained to her why her dad may not be attuned to a need to know one's ancestry. "This is irritating," she said, a charming approximation of the way adults speak. So it was left to Megan -- more a big sister or best friend than a stepmom, who was happy to teach her stepdaughter how best to conjure fake tears -- to help Sally suss out her own history. But then Betty had to go and hand Sally a poison pill, one she meant for her daughter to deliver straight to Megan and Don, but instead Sally swallowed whole herself. Betty's biggest miscalculation, I think, was that Don had hid Anna Draper and all she represented about his past from Megan, just as he had hid it from Betty. Sally, of course, made no such assumption, so her anger at her father for keeping her in the dark about his secret first wife briskly curdled into snotty contempt for Megan for betraying their relationship. "You acted like you were friends with me, but you really do whatever he says," Sally hissed at Megan. "And guess what, you're not special, and neither was Anna." If there was any hurt embedded in Sally's words, she did an awfully good job at smothering it. Megan was doubly stunned, first at the fact that Sally even knew about Anna, and then at the spiteful person suddenly asserting herself with such venom. It was bracing, seeing Don and Betty's worst traits -- his cutting churlishness, her callow pettiness -- come to roost so potently in their daughter. "So why did he marry you?" she spat at Megan, who evaded the question by telling Sally she should be having this conversation with her father. "I don't want to. And don't tell him I asked. I mean it." She paused. "Are you going to make yourself cry?" Thankfully, Megan will not tolerate toxicity in her home, be it the smog looming outside her window, or the mean girl pod person who suddenly sprouted on her couch. She did tell Don, who immediately blew his top and tried to call Betty. But Megan, the only actual mature adult in this entire scenario, wouldn't have it. "If you call her, you're giving her exactly what she wanted," she said firmly. "The thrill of having poisoned us from 50 miles away." Sally, who'd woken to their argument, looked chastened as she grasped that her mother had just been using her to get at Don and Megan. But that didn't stop Sally from being bratty all over again when her father confronted her the next morning, cutting off his lecture with a sneery "Are you done?" Don also paused, reeling for a moment at how adolescent his little girl had become. He explained Anna further, and then Sally remembered. "Is she the woman whose house we went to in California? The one who called you Dick?" Kids -- sometimes, they absorb more than we think (or care to recall from our own childhoods). "Yes," replied Don. "And I really wish you'd met her." That openhearted confession appeared to be enough to crack Sally's brittle shell. Like that, she changed allegiance, throwing Betty's plan back in her face with words designed to evoke maximum damage: "Daddy showed me pictures, and they spoke very fondly of her." Like I said earlier, this chilled me to the bone. For four-and-a-half seasons, I've fretted over how Sally's tricky childhood would shape her, but I wasn't prepared for the sharper edges to draw blood. Meanwhile, I'm also still recovering from Pete's daydream fantasy of his (nonexistent) New York Times Sunday Magazine profile drawing Beth Dawes to his office wearing a black fur, white pearls, and very little else -- I'll let y'all dissect that tart little arc yourselves. And then there's the episode's title, "Dark Shadows," i.e. the cult gothic soap opera that premiered in the summer of 1966, the show Megan's friend auditioned for, and the show that just happens to have been adapted into a major Hollywood production that premiered this weekend. I'll leave it to Matthew Weiner to speak to how intentional this synchronicity really was, but I wonder if hardcore Dark Shadows fans would appreciate Megan dismissing their beloved series as a "piece of crap." So what did you make of "Dark Shadows" (the Mad Men episode)? Were you happy to see Betty again? Did you find Sally's behavior as unnerving as I did? Speaking of cattiness, did you catch Jane's dismissively referring to Joan as "a professional something"? With so much unrest between Peggy, Michael, and even Harry, did you get the feeling that some sort of mutiny may be brewing? And how many of you were maybe a bit surprised to learn that Stan was familiar with Shelley's "Ozymandias"? ]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Mad Men' recap: Sneers of Cold Command]]> Sun, 13 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17585 tvr_17585 tvr_17585 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP009357770066 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/13/MADMEN-PARE-02_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/13/MADMEN-PARE-02_175.jpg Jordin Althaus/AMC "Lovely Megan" After an unplanned encounter with Megan (Jessica Paré), Betty (January Jones) struggled to maintain her weight-loss regimen, and inadvertently unleashed Sally's (Kiernan Shipka) inner mean girl TV NO -- Drama Episode 08 Season 5 "Lovely Megan" After an unplanned encounter with Megan (Jessica Paré), Betty (January Jones) struggled to maintain her weight-loss regimen, and inadvertently unleashed Sally's (Kiernan Shipka) inner mean girl

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap S S Survivor. Just not enough likeable people and not enough signature moments for my taste. But there is something satisfying about watching the most deserving player from the starting line to the finish line being rewarded for their efforts. And that is what happened on Survivor: One World when Kim Spradlin was crowned the winner. Kim may not have the on-screen charm or charisma that Tom Westman, Parvati Shallow, or Boston Rob had, but her win was every bit as impressive. There are three aspects to Survivor: the social, the strategic, and the physical. Kim was head and shoulders better than anyone else in all three categories. She duped Troyzan, She duped Jay. She duped Alicia and Christina. She duped everyone. And not in a mean way, but in a smart way. And she won four individual immunities as icing on the cake. The thing that truly sealed the deal for... [Door busts open to Ross residence; in walks a scraggly looking man in a buff] Dalton: "Ummm Troyzan, what are you doing here?" Troyzan: "Look, you, just so you know, Mr. Fancy Recapper guy, that is still my island, okay? People say I'm just like Richard Hatch...only better!" Dalton: "Okay. If you say so." Troyzan: "Let me just ask you one thing. Just one thing. Tell me the moment where in your mind you basically decimated my chances of winning this game. And you better tell me the right answer, or else!" Dalton: "Or else what?" Troyzan: "Or else I'm going to vote for Sabrina to take over your recaps." Dalton; "Sabrina?" Troyzan" Yes, Sabrina. She's a teacher so at least she won't have any many stupid typos as you do." Dalton: "Harsh, but fair." Troyzan: "So when was it? When was the moment you demolished in your mind my chances of winning this game?" Dalton: "I suppose the moment I found out you called yourself Troyzan." Troyzan: "SABRINA, GET OVER HERE! I'M VOTING FOR YOU AGAIN! Pssst, I vote for her for something anytime I don't like what people tell me." Dalton: "Okay, well, can I just finish that one last recap at least? Troyzan: "Fine, but make sure to talk all about how much sense my final vote made. And how I've played the best game that anyone has ever seen." Dalton: "Oh, yeah, definitely. One for the ages, buddy!" Okay, sorry about that. Back to our regularly scheduled recap. Unfortunately, Kim had no legitimate competition, which is why the journey for One World viewers felt so unfulfilling at times this season. But if you like to see greatness rewarded, then the end couldn't help but be satisfying. After all, what was the alternative? Alicia?!? (After all, according to her, she and Kim are total twinsies!) Okay, let's take it from the top in an episode that provided one great challenge, one not so great challenge, the return of an old friend, and the redemption of Kat Edorsson. A-maze-ing Every Survivor finale has one big, huge, epic challenge, and tonight's first competition fit the bill. The players had to untie ropes to open a gate, race across a giant balance beam maze, traverse a rope net while collecting five bags of puzzle pieces, and then use pieces to solve puzzle, which would give them clues to three numbers. Okay, let me stop and catch my breath for a second. Alright, then they had to use those three numbers to solve the combination lock. NEXT: The female Colton meets her overdue end There were a lot of different elements to this challenge, meaning that even though Christina got through the gate first, the other players had plenty of time to beat her by an embarrassing amount of time -- well, players not named "Sabrina" at least. Alicia and Chelsea were the first ones through the maze and onto the rope net, where Alicia tried the very unique strategy of untying other peoples' bags for them. It is quite telling that this is the nicest thing Alicia has done for anyone all season -- and it was completely by accident. But the real excitement was at the end as Kim and Alicia both went to enter the number combos, only to be denied and have to run down and check their numbers again. This opened a window for Chelsea who ran up and tried her three numbers. No good. Their were so many wrong numbers floating around I have expected David Krumholtz and the cast of canceled CBS drama Numb3rs to show up and start berating everyone. Krumholtz! Talk all you want, but you'll never live down that backwards e in the shape of a 3, my man. Eventually Kim won, because that's what she does. Idol Thoughts Kim's victory created an interesting decision, because she also had that hidden immunity idol she stuffed next to her vagina a while back. The next Tribal Council would be the last one at which she could play it. But now that she didn't even need the idol, would she give it to Chelsea? "I don't know that I've ever felt more comfortable going into a Tribal," said Chelsea. Gulp! And now Kim was left to regret her earlier tomfoolery. "At the time it seemed like such a smart thing to tell Chelsea about the idol. I can honestly say sitting here today that I wish she didn't know." How many times have people regretting blabbing about the idol? It's a vicious cycle. And now Kim was left with the thought that if she decided to vote her best buddy Chelsea out, not only would she be sore about being backstabbed, but she might feel one extra layer of betrayal due to Kim not using the idol to save her. Did this contribute to Kim's decision to vote out Alicia at the next Tribal Council instead? Hard to say, but it may have. The difference between Chelsea and Alicia as people was crystal clear in their comments while voting for each other's ouster. Chelsea: "Alicia, I love you like a sister." Alicia: "Chelsea, you'll be just fine." (America's sweetheart, ladies and gentlemen!) Kim ended up not giving Chelsea the idol, but didn't need to since her swing vote sent Alicia out of the game, causing a nation to collectively celebrate. Strangers hugging strangers in the street! Cats high-pawing dogs! People whose job it is to blur out protruding ass cheeks finally being able to take a break and breathe easy. And then came Alicia's final words: "The game is done. I'm out. I am definitely not a sore loser. I'm proud of Kim. She fooled me completely." Hey, maybe Alicia isn't so bad after all. Maybe I've been way too hard on her this whole time. Oh, wait, she's not done talking. "And Christina, I brought you there. All those girls wanted you out from day one, so good job, Christina. Bask in it, because you suck right now." Annnnnnnd she's back. NEXT: It's baaaaaaaaaaaack The Return of an Old (And Always Mocked) Friend When it comes to '80s glam metal, Cinderella was one of the worst. For one thing, that's just an awful name for a band. Whenever they tried to act all tough, all you had to do was pull them aside and say, "Dude, you're Cinderella." (And then the drummer would be all like, "Dammit! I told you we should have called ourselves The Decapitated Demons! None of you ever listen to me 'cause I'm just the drummer! Show a little respect!!!") But Cinderella did have one wonderfully stupid power ballad called "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)." The song was simply unforgettable, mostly due to the fact that the singer was playing the piano out in the middle of a desert for no good reason whatsoever. But I am reminded of that band and that song as we all bore witness to the glorious return of the Fallen Comrades tribute. Poor Fallen Comrades tribute. It's been missing for the past few seasons -- as Probst explained, they simply had too much other great stuff to show instead. Not a problem this year! So it was back. Look, no one on the planet Earth has made more fun of the stupid Fallen Comrades montage than me. I always found it hilarious how players who barely spent any time -- and often no time -- with someone else would be forced to wax poetic about that person. ("Oh, man. Frank was...um, a guy...and...yeah, he, like, totally was here. Great job, Frank.") But I gotta tell you something -- I don't know if absence made the heart grow fonder or if it is merely a sign of what a yawner this season has been, but damn if I wasn't kinda okay with getting some Fallen Comrades action back. After all, without it, we wouldn't have gotten to hear Rooster Matt tell us he's still the best. We wouldn't have gotten the amusement of watching Colton running in slow motion during a challenge. And we wouldn't have gotten to hear Alicia tells us how she fell in love with herself out there, which just may have been the funniest thing we heard all episode. Scratch that -- all season! Working against the Fallen Comrades montage, however, were the all too numerous shots of hairy Tarzan in his ball-busting underwear. The Not-So-Super Bowl The final challenge is almost always some sort of endurance test. One that truly tests your resolve and often pushes you to limits of physical pain to see who wants it the most. Not this time. The Survivor challenge team have been experimenting with various stacking competitions over the past few years, but those have usually been about who can hold onto that stack the longest. Not this time. This season's final challenge was a race. A race to move 10 small bowls -- that must then be stacked on top of each other -- through a steal channel resting on a spring. First one to get all 10 through and stacked wins. I have to admit, I was disappointed. I love that anticipation of the endurance test. Who's gonna drop? Who's gonna falter? And while the design of this challenge was impressive, the end result of watching people move little bowls around wasn't quite the epic capper I was hoping for. Oh, and P.S. Kim won. Of course she did. NEXT: Final Tribal Council is upon us Christina Goes Out Quietly Everyone knew Christina was the next to go -- and that included Christina herself because Kim told her. Probst gave her a hard time for not fighting more, and while yes, Christina should have fought more all season, once Alicia was gone, it was clear Christina was next, making the next Tribal Council about as uneventful as Christina's entire game. Bye, Christina. I'm not sure why everyone hated you so much. But at the same time, I'm kinda glad you didn't make the finals. Just didn't do enough. Didn't do anything, really. So after we heard all the sob stories from the last three and they enjoyed their finalist feast, we were off to the final Tribal Council. The Jury Speaks! So the only real question heading into the final Tribal Council was -- will this be a jury that honors the best player, or a bunch of bitter Betties who refuse to reward the person who did a better job than they did? Chelsea -- my episode 1 pick to win it all -- pulled a sweet move and asked to stand while she made her opening statement (this was something that Coach told me he would do if he made the South Pacific finals...and then didn't; Albert also tweeted me that he asked producers if he could stand and they said no). Chelsea said something about having a hard time voting out Jonas and then shutting down any emotional connections. Sabrina tried the unique strategy of telling the jury that, "I chose not to step up" in both challenges and voting people out. So I guess you could call that the "I Suck" defense. Or maybe it was part of her sympathy plea, the same way that she also told them how she had been fired from teaching kids "in the toughest place in the world." And then we got to the Jury questions. Sometimes the "questions" weren't actually questions at all (Jonas to Sabrina: "Out there at the challenges, it's amazing how bad you sucked."), sometimes they were loaded questions (Christina to Chelsea: "Why do you hate people?"), and sometimes they were just a dude saying lots of words I have never heard before (Tarzan). And then there was Leif, who used his time as a therapy session for himself to figure out why he was voted out. It's not that hard, Leif. It's because YOU HAVE A PENIS! Take a look at the final 5. What did they all have in common? There's your answer. Alicia took a different tack. She decided -- in perhaps the least shocking development of the season -- to talk all about herself and how incredible she was! "Kim, you and I play this game very similar. I was a kingpin, I had my pawns, Christina and Tarzan. Homegirl, you know if I was sitting next to you, you'd be s---ting bricks right now. Because without you getting me out, I would have had more chances of wining that money than any of yous." Yous? Troyzan asked Kim what would seem to be an innocent question about when she made the move that demolished his game, but instead it only served as a bizarre justification for his nonsensical vote for Sabrina to be the million dollar winner. NEXT:  The redemption of Kat Edorsson The big question, of course, was how many guns blazing Kat would come out with. Kat, who began the season by jumping in the water repeatedly in a challenge even when she didn't have to. Kat, who farted on people for giggles. Kat, who chose people to come on the reward based on how much fun they would be to get drunk with. Kat who laughed about how hilarious it would be to blindside someone, only to be blindsided herself. Kat who came off like an immature and uncaring party girl the entire season. I was ready for some crazy unwarranted bitterness. And it never came. I'll admit it. I rolled my eyes when she started by pulling an Alicia and making her comments all about herself while the piano music swelled as she talked about her open heart surgeries. But then she started addressing the jury. And she told them something that was so crazy, it actually made sense! Hey, here's an idea, she said. How about we vote for the person who actually played the best game? How about we don't base our decision on who made us angry because they were better than us? "It takes a lot more energy to be angry about what happened in this game," said Kat "And it's a lot easier to smile and to forgive and be happy, so that's what I'm gonna say." Ladies and gentlemen, if I weren't so lazy and glued to my couch while covered in a sea of sour cream and onion potato chips, I would stand up right now and give Kat a slow clap for that wonderful speech. The redemption of Kat Edorsson is complete. The most important impression is the last one you make, and Kat's last impression was very, very good. The Win Is In So Kim scored seven out of nine votes, with only Troyzan and Leif being the only ones stubborn/stupid enough to not vote for the best player in the game. They went for Sabrina, although it is unclear whether they were voting for her horrible performance in challenges, complete lack of strategy, or refusal to do any work around camp. (It's so hard to choose!) Whatever for them. At least the rest of the jury did the right thing and Kim is now a million dollars richer. The only thing left for us to do is see what sort of lunacy breaks out at the Reunion show. Reunion Show Odds & Ends • Jeff Probst asked Matt what the hell he was thinking when the men agreed to go to Tribal Council even though they had won immunity. Great question...to the wrong person! Turns out Matt had already been voted out when that happened. Whoops! • I am not sure if Bill's hair and silver suit are part of his comedy act or not, but they had me laughing. The initial reaction is to wonder if he's the long lost bongo player from The Revolution, but if you ask me, his look had more of a Ready For The World "Oh Sheila" vibe to it. And remember what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. • Colton. Ugh. He started to apologize (kinda), but then couldn't resist a dig by saying "At the same sense, when I left, everybody said it got boring." No, Colton. It was boring even when you were on. Eventually, Probst worked his way into the audience to talk to Colton's mommy Martha, who was not happy with her son at all. "The truth is I want to go up there right now and say, 'Colton, this is not what you're supposed to be saying.'" NEXT: Who's the Fan Favorite? (Not Colton) She then apologized for Colton and it could have ended right there. But it didn't. Because then it got awkward.  Probst mentioned to Martha how Colton told him how he came out of the closet very young and was "accepted immediately. There were no issues with being gay."  Martha stammered for a bit, scrunched up her face and eventually just stopped talking altogether. Probst rephrased the point to get her back on track, talking about the love and support Colton had from his family after coming out as gay. The reply: "Well, he doesn't have that from all of his family." And then, a silence that seemed to last approximately 5,827 years. I mean, FOREVER! That's live television for you. • Wait, what is freakin' Blossom doing at the Survivor reunion? And why is she talking about Colton? It seems Mayim Bialik is a big Survivor fan. "There are a lot of aspects to Colton that are really fabulous," she said. She then went on to say how'd she'd love to see Colton back on Survivor again, a declaration that might just be the worst decision Mayim Bialik has made since daring to appear alongside Shamu the killer whale on Sea World's Mother Earth Celebration. And hold on, now some other random dude is talking about how Colton is a great villain just like Russell, but thankfully he is completely drowned out by the rest of the infinitely more sane audience. • Did Jeff Probst just imply that Tarzan's wife yells out "Tarzan!" during sex? I really, really, really wish I had not been provided with that information. • Christina = hot. • Kim beat Troyzan, Tarzan, and Chelsea (and everyone else for that natter) out for the Sprint fan favorite vote for another $100,000. I don't know if that was an exciting choice, but it was probably the right one. Which also says a little something about this season. A big something actually. • I want to like Troyzan. I really do. But I hate the way he refuses to admit that he got played by Kim. And the way he still refuses to admit it was a bad idea for the men to go to Tribal Council after they won immunity. And now the way he claims that people are telling him that "You played the game the best I've ever seen." The best they've ever seen?!? Have they seen, like, anything? And comparing you to Richard Hatch? Maybe the dude who played Apollo on Battlestar Galactica, but certainly not the fat naked guy who taught the entire country how to play this game. Okay, guys. I'm almost out of gas. But a few more things before we wrap up. We have an exclusive deleted scene from the finale in the video player below. Plus, I'll be speaking to newly crowned Survivor champ Kim Spradlin on Monday morning so click here for that. Also keep an eye out for my Q&A with host Jeff Probst, which is now ready and waiting. Speaking of Probst, I spoke to him out on location of Survivor: Philippines about the next season and the new twist and he talks about it right here. And for Survivor coverage all year long, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Thanks a lot for playing along for another season. I've been doing this for a looooooong time, but I love the community we have built here and am proud to be a part of it. Now go have it at on the message boards and share your thoughts about the finale and whether the right person won, and I'll be back next fall with another huge, bottomless scoop of the crispy! ]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Survivor' season finale recap: The Right Person Won]]> Sun, 13 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17582 tvr_17582 tvr_17582 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP015225410008 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/11/survivor-recap_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/11/survivor-recap_175.jpg CBS FIVE ALIVE Five women walked into the finale, but only one walked out a million dollars richer ($1,100,000, to be exact). TV NO -- Reality TV Episode 14 Season 24 FIVE ALIVE Five women walked into the finale, but only one walked out a million dollars richer ($1,100,000, to be exact).

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap C C Celebrity Apprentice: All Stars. One final note about Aubrey's firing: Did you catch her two-handed blow kiss to phony baloney Boardroom receptionist Amanda Miller on her way out? And, more importantly, did you catch phony baloney Boardroom receptionist Amanda Miller's one-handed blow kiss back? Why, just last week we had Amanda on our InsideTV Podcast and talked about the need for her to come up with a go-to move to give departing contestants to replace her usual sympathetic nod and wave. THIS IS IT! I even have a catchy nickname for it: The Kiss-Off. Amanda, starting next season, I expect all fired celebrities -- whether it be Boy George, Jackée, or the dude who played Paulie Walnuts -- to receive The Kiss-Off. But don't you kiss off until we get to the finest moments of last night's episode. Just one rule: Everyone has to turn sideways to the right and try to read this only through your left eye's peripheral vision. This is how Magic Johnson reads all my recaps. NEXT: The most awkward Boardroom statement ever 1. What the Hell is Arsenio Hall Talking About? Once Aubrey was dismissed, Clay Aiken began experiencing American Idol déjà vu. Would he once again lose out on an elusive reality show title? You know, Clay and Ruben Studdard had such a nice friendship. They were complete opposites -- one big and black, the other lanky and white -- but they shared one thing in common, an incredible ability to reach out and touch audiences through the power of song. I think when you look back at their relationship on American Idol, however, what really stands out the most is the fact that Ruben never once threatened "getting in your ass." ARSENIO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Why are you telling your homosexual friend/competitor on national television that "I'm getting in your ass?" Don't do that! Don't get in his ass!  You need to focus on the final task for crissakes! "You might want to rephrase that," replied Clay in perhaps the understatement of the millennium. Seriously! I mean does that even make sense as some sort of friendly trash-talk challenge? I'm kicking your ass, or your ass is mine -- sure, those make sense. They reference a thorough victory promised to be delivered at a later time and place. But "I'm getting in your ass?" That promises something altogether different. Was Arsenio trying to combine "getting in your head" and "kicking your ass" because he was simply too lazy to do both? I have no idea. The only thing I am sure of at this point is that I need to move off this topic as quickly as possible. 2. No One Likes To Be Picked Last...Especially The Person Who Was Just Picked Last Half the fun of bringing back celebrities for the final task is that often The Donald's choices seem to be completely random. Remember two years ago when Darryl Strawberry was brought back just so he could sleep through one more project? That decision was ludicrous. Which also meant it was amazing. Unfortunately, this year the returnees made an annoying amount of sense -- with one noticeable absence. We got Debbie, Aubrey, Lisa, Teresa, Penn, Dee, Adam, and Paul -- but no sixth place finisher Dayana. Interesting omission, because that's a fair share of drama Trump was sacrificing had she ended up on a team with either Clay or Lisa.  I also would have liked to have seen Mr. 110% himself, Lou Ferrigno, instead of the emotion-free Paul, but whatevs. However, instead of assigning the players to Arsenio and Clay willy nilly for their task of creating a 30 second ad, party, and performance for their own charity, Trump allowed the two finalists to take part in a good ol' fashioned schoolyard pick 'em. While Arsenio's first pick of Adam was surprising, Clay using his first selection on former nemesis Penn was downright shocking. But there was an interesting little sideshow playing out here as well. Cut to Arsenio saying that for his next selection "I would like the lovely and talented..." Cut to Aubrey smiling. Cut to Arsenio finishing his sentence "...Lisa Lampanelli!" Cut to Aubrey smiling awkwardly. Cut to Clay picking Debbie next because he was "turning my attention to music." Cut to professional singer Aubrey smiling awkwardly. Cut to Arsenio picking "The resourceful, pretty..." Cut to Aubrey smiling. Cut to Arsenio finishing his sentence "...Paulie Sr!" Cut to Aubrey smiling awkwardly. Cut to Clay selecting another singer...Dee. Cut to Aubrey looking like she wants to stab Clay through the heart with a Chi Touch hair dryer. Cut to Trump laughing about there being only two people left. Cut to Arsenio picking Teresa Giudice. Teresa Giudice!!! Cut to Aubrey looking mortified at being unpicked and taking the walk of shame over to Clay's team. "Haters are hating once again," she informed us. They certainly are. NEXT: Enter the Penis Cage 3. Step Into My Office -- If You Dare! They say Celebrity Apprentice is all fun and games. That there are no valuable life lessons to be learned. I beg to differ. For instance, if you are ever asked by a man to step into his office...and he brags about doing conjugal visits in that office...and that office happens to be a cage...and in the office that happens to be a cage and in which he performs conjugal visits he also happens to have a giant penis statue...well, let's just say you might want to think twice about entering. That G.I. Joe type lesson -- giving new meaning to the phrase "That's one to grow on"  -- was delivered by Adam Carolla this week while shopping for costumes for Arsenio's Magic Johnson Foundation PSA. And it turns out Adam wasn't the only one hesitant to set foot in the office/dungeon. "Seriously, have you ever been in the penis cage?" he asked another store employee. "No I haven't," came the response. "Where do you eat your lunch -- penis cage?" Adam continued. 'No, downstairs in the prop section." Smart man. Oh, and this just in: Teresa Giudice is currently peeing in her pants. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 4! 4. The Quote That Makes You Wish They Had Been Making Celebrity Apprentice 25 Years Ago "If you had told me that I'd be singing 'Baby Love' with Debbie Gibson in the 1980s, I would have punched you in the face." -- Dee Snider 5. Wigging Out I used to think Celebrity Apprentice was the perfect TV show, But I was wrong. I realize now what has been missing all this time. So can we just make a rule right here and right now that all future Celebrity Apprentice contestants must perform for the entirety of the season in stupid-looking wigs and costumes? I mean, Adam Carolla was fun to watch this year, but imagine how much more fun he would have been dressed up like a member of Prince and The Revolution the entire time. Tell me that Buick Verano presentation wouldn't have been 30 million times more awesome had he been decked out in his new romantic gear. You don't have to tell me because I already know! Lisa? I'm not entirely sure if she was supposed to look like Madonna, Bette Midler, or Dolly Parton with that fake hair, and I don't care -- wig her up! As far as I can tell, Paul was wearing the same wig as Lisa. That's fine too; contestants can share. It would be even better if they had to wear the same wig...at the same time! They'd have to walk around like conjoined twins. What, you think this show wouldn't do that? I honestly can't believe they haven't done it already! The one problem I do have with this year's final task is that by doing projects for their own charities, it takes out the element of having to please a corporate sponsor. That always leads to some good drama and also clearer guidelines as to who actually did a better job. Thankfully, Arsenio's team decided on their own to all dress up like idiots, insuring some good fun nonetheless. Like when Teresa used the opportunity to tell us how huge her hair was in the '80s. "I really love Teresa," said Adam. "She has a great sort of youthful enthusiasm, It might be called naïveté. And I can say that freely because she doesn't know what that word means. She's at home looking that crap up right now." NEXT: Magic Johnson does an impression of a Paul Giamatti movie But as fun as that was, nothing could prepare me for what was about to come next. We knew something was going to go wrong with the Magic Johnson footage for the PSA. We just knew it. Especially when they had the delay getting the footage transferred from L.A. I figured the footage simply wouldn't make it. Or maybe it wouldn't be framed perfectly. Or possibly the focus would be a bit off. When Adam informed us that his audio podcast guys had recorded it, rather than actual video professionals, that just reinforced the notion that everything was going too easy for Arsenio and it was about to come crashing down. But little did I realize it would come crashing down in the most hilarious, amazing, incredible way possible. I actually cried from laughter when I saw what happened. Real tears. Streaming down my face. Just to set the table here, the team had recorded Arsenio passing a basketball off a little bit to the right hand side of the screen where Magic would catch it in L.A. and then talk all about his Foundation and the important work it does. That's all well and good, but what Magic actually did was -- after looking front and center for about 2 seconds -- turn sideways 90 degrees to his right, and instead of telling the viewers about his foundation, he appeared to be telling it to someone off stage. Who was he talking to? Not Arsenio, because he wasn't supposed to be all the way to Magic's right. So now Magic looked like a crazy person talking to the guy holding the boom mic or maybe some sort of gaffer or something. Basically, he looked like he was talking to anyone but the people he was supposed to be talking to. Magic also kind of looked like he was doing the "Cha Cha Slide," "Macarena," or any other stupid line dance song where people jump to the side periodically for no reason whatsoever. Because he was talking to the right for no reason whatsoever. It goes without saying that this was my favorite moment of the entire season. In fact, I am starting to cry right now just thinking about it again! Seriously, I need to stop before I get tears all over my keyboard and short-circuit the laptop. 6. Debbie Shakes Her Love/Clay Shakes His Fist Outside of Magic Johnson talking to nobody, Arsenio has had a pretty smooth ride so far. No so for Clay, who spent half of the task wandering the streets of New York while getting yelled at by little league baseball coaches and making little kids break the law by hopping a fence to shoot his ad in a restricted area. And then things got even worse when he met up with the rest of the team. Little did Clay realize he would be butting heads constantly with Crystal Light songstress Debbie Gibson. NEXT: Aubrey becomes an honorary Claymate Round 1 began when Debbie questioned Clay's decision to play music on the ad. Clay thought things were getting better when Lisa Lampanelli -- who was playing for the other team! -- called and offered to pay big bucks for a ticket to his show. In fact, he got so happy, he even started sucking face with Aubrey. But then it was time for Round 2. Clay and Debbie went at it over music again, but this time music for the actual show they had to perform. She wanted input from him; he wanted to see everything from start to finish before giving notes. And even though they kept saying this to each other over and over while standing face to face, neither seemed to get the message. Perhaps if one of them had pulled a Magic Johnson and turned the other way to speak -- like, towards a wall or something -- maybe that would have worked. Then came Round 3, in which Clay and Debbie argued about the mural that Debbie's cousin was going to paint. Clay was insistent that nothing go on the wall until he could approve a sketch of it. As Project Manager, that's smart. I mean, no offense, but are you going to trust a $250,000 prize to Debbie Gibson's cousin? What if she puts up a big mural of the Electric Youth album cover? You can't risk it. "Paint will not go on the wall unless I've seen some sketches," said Clay. Before all was said and done, Debbie was calling Clay "insecure" and Clay was correcting how Debbie spoke on the phone to her own cousin. Which is exactly the type of cliffhanger drama you want heading into a finale. Well, that and a very confused man standing sideways. I know you want to get to the big finale right now, but I've got some goodies to tide you over. Clay and Arsenio are going to follow in the footsteps of John Rich and Marlee and pay a visit later this week to join me in studio (read: my cruddy office) for the InsideTV Podcast, so keep an eye (and ear) out for that. And for even more Celebrity Apprentice inanity and insanity, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Okay, the message boards are open for business, boys and girls, so hit 'em and hit 'em hard. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck...[turning to the right] Splash!]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['The Celebrity Apprentice' recap: That Magic Moment]]> Sun, 13 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17511 tvr_17511 tvr_17511 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP010083340071 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/01/04/celebrity-apprentice-arsenio-hall_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/01/04/celebrity-apprentice-arsenio-hall_175.jpg Mitchell Haaseth/NBC IN IT TO WIN IT Arsenio now just needs to beat his best buddy Clay. TV NO -- Reality TV Episode 13 Season 12 IN IT TO WIN IT Arsenio now just needs to beat his best buddy Clay.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap G G Game of Thrones that our beloved characters are having to deal with the day-after consequences. It's like a life-and-death hangover as we break down "A Man Without Honor." Winterfell: Theon wakes to find his lover gone, which can't be a new experience for him. But his valuable hostages Bran and Rickon Stark are missing too, and that's plenty embarrassing. He's furious. How dare they escape? He was the Stark's hostage for years and never ran away! "You let a halfwit escape with a cripple!" he rages to his guard. And when a subordinate displays some insubordination by pointing out Theon aided their escape too by freeing Osha, Theon flies into a rage and kicks the hell out of him. Theon orders up some horses and hounds to hunt down the kids. "If I find them soon enough, I wont hurt them," Theon assures Maester Luwin, then amends: "I'll hurt them, I won't kill them." Despite this turn of events, Theon is in high spirits. He's confident he'll find the Stark kids, and then his sister will send some reinforcements so he can hold Winterfell against Robb Stark's men. "Ned Stark always said 500 men could hold Winterfell against 10,000," Theon says, though I'm unsure he really wants to bet his life on the optimistic opinions of Ned "Glass Half Full" Stark. North of the Wall: Unlike Theon, Jon Snow wakes to find his Wildling right where he left her. Of course, he took the precaution of tying her up first. He realizes his hand is accidentally on her breast, and she says this hilarious line: "Did you pull a knife on me in the night?" Ygritte enjoys teasing Jon about his barely suppressed desire while using Wildling genitalia terminology. She talks about Jon's "bone" and his sore "stones." She sounds like foul-mouthed character from The Flintstones. NEXT: Arya matches wits with Tywin Lannister "You're a boy who's never been with a girl," she realizes, looking vaguely grossed out. She runs down the Night's Watch potential sex options -- Girl crows? Other men? Sheep? "With your hands then, no wonder you're all so miserable," she says. We get some backstory about the Wildlings, how's they're like the Native Americans of Westeros -- the first settlers, who were later confined to a vast northern reservation by the more technologically savvy settlers. As As they argue, it's nice to see some passion from the typically dour Jon Snow. She seems to win the fight, and underscores the point by walking away and tugging the rope -- leading him. Harrenhal: A nice shot of the grounds. With its medieval ruins and red Lannister banners the place looks a bit like a wrecked Castle Wolfenstein. Men are being tortured and executed as Tywin looks down from his tower looking like a vampire king. He's convinced Jaqen's poison dart last week was meant for him and is trying to discover the identity of the assassin. We're treated to another excellent scene between Tywin and Arya. All those who mourn changes from George R.R. Martin's novels, I can't imagine there's many of you who don't love this pairing. We see that Arya's pride is starting to get the best of her. She's crafty enough to pretend like she doesn't know the word "legacy" when Tywin asks her. But when Tywin omits the female dragon riders of Targaryen legacy, she can't help but correct him. Even after Tywin seems suspicious of the source of her knowledge, she gives added detail that betrays the depth of her education. Tywin notes most girls are interested in more romantic things, and she replies "most girls are idiots." This reminds Tywin of Cersei. This repels us, because we know how different Arya and Cersei are, but it's still true -- that line is very much something that Cersei would say (and, in fact, she says something very similar later when she tells Tyrion that she lights her own candles because she can't stand her handmaidens). There's a brief moment when Arya appears to contemplate stabbing Tywin, but we don't buy that here, especially since she has one more wish from her stealth assassin up her sleeve. The real tension is when Tywin accuses Arya of being highborn, noting that she slipped by saying "my lord" instead of "m'lord." What happens next is really interesting. NEXT: Sansa tries to sweet talk The Hound Arya doesn't fall for his trap. It would be so easy to buy Tywin's apparent utter conviction in his conclusion -- hell, I believed it when he said it. But it was a test since Tywin doesn't really know she's highborn for certain. Arya smartly sticks to her story, yet slips a second time. She says her mom taught her how to speak "proper -- properly." See, Tywin might have bought that Arya's lord-serving mom taught her grammar. But Arya trying to throw in a fumble over the word "properly" takes the charade one step too far and Tywin sees right through it. Arya is very crafty, she's just not mature enough to know when to pull back and she's playing this game with a master. Tywin is smarter by virtue of his decades of experience and he will sooner or later figure her out. Right now, he knows something's wrong with her story, but he doesn't know whether what she's hiding is actually important."You're too smart for your own good," Tywin says. That's true. But one also could say that she's not quite smart enough to know when to play dumb. I'm spent a lot of time geeking out on this scene, I know. I'm just amazed this subplot that almost exclusively takes place in a single room has consistently managed to be totally riveting. King's Landing: Sansa tries to thank The Hound for saving her from the rapists, but he's not a guy you can really bond with. "Killing's the sweetest thing there is," he says. (I hope The Hound doesn't use that for his online dating profile headline because that's not just going to woo the ladies). Sansa asks why he says such hateful things, and The Hound counters, "You'll be glad of the hateful things i do someday when you're queen and I'm all that stands between you and your beloved king." And by that The Hound means ... actually I'm not sure what it means. He seems to be referencing that he knows she has no love for the sinister Joffrey, but I'm not sure what he's suggesting since it's not like he's going to protect her from the king, right? I think he means that Joffrey is such a jerk that they're both going to need his protection, but the phrasing was confusing. Later: Sansa awakes from a nightmare, only to find herself in a real one. Cersie asked Sansa in the show's first episode if she's had her period. Now she has. The only thing worse than a nightmare of being raped and murdered is the thought of having Joffrey-sex and carrying his demon spawn. She freaks out. Shay the Funny Whore tries to help cover up the sheets, but The Hound finds the evidence. Cersei provides little comfort, noting, in the understatement of the season, "Joffrey's always been difficult." Then she informs us, she "labored a day in a half to bring him into this world." She noted Jaime was by her side during this birth, and notes "Joffrey will show you no such devotion." Notice she's comparing Sansa's future husband to her brother/secret lover, which is a bit of a slip. "The more people you love the weaker you are," she advises. Qarth: Dany, robbed of dragons, is upset. She's sort of always upset, though. She rejects Xaro's help to help find her dragons, which seems unwise at the moment. She needs all the help from the locals that she can get, right? Xaro says he wants to help to protect his reputation because his reputation as her sworn protector is on the line. "A man is what others say he is and no more," Xaro proclaims (and I hope that's not actually true). NEXT: Ygritte tells Jon Snow exactly how much he knows Later, she vents to Ser Jorah. Nothing he can say, however, will please her. She's a queen without subjects and, now, without dragons. Jorah tries to comfort her and she bristles at his familiarity. "No one can survive in this world without help," he advises. "Find my dragons," she commands. North of the Wall: Ygritte accuses Jon of stereotyping her Arctic hippy Wildling commune. They're simply free people, she says, they're not savages. "Someone tried to tell us we couldn't lie down as man and woman we'd shove a spear up his ass," she says, which doesn't do a very good job of making her point. Ygritte next tries to tempt Jon into joining her tribe. He could build a cabin and have his pick of the women. "Girls would claw each others' eyes out to get naked with you," she says, yet again not doing much to disprove their whole savage reputation. Still, gotta admit, her offer sounds a lot better than life at Castle Black. "I could teach you how to do it," she offers. "I know how to do it," he counters. And she says: "You know nothing, Jon Snow," and the book-readers squeal. [To book readers: Well delivered, yes? And, of course, the TV version would make the first use of this catchphrase a sex reference. In the book, the first time Ygritte says this it's actually, "Jon Snow, you know nothing," and involves talking about how to bathe in a river. And she's not the first to use it, either -- both Asha and Catelyn tell men "you know nothing" before Ygritte makes it her own]. Later in their trek, Ygritte's seduction attempts get more bold, talking about how warm and wet she is. Honestly, the landscape is so mucky, drizzly, cold and miserable looking, she'd be more likely to seduce a guy by offering him a Gore-Tex parka. Suddenly takes off running -- again! Jon Snow starts after her. Just like in the season premiere, he draws his sword as he chases her (it seems like a really bad idea to run across snow and ice while holding a massive sword, don't you think?). Jon finds they're surrounded by Wildings who were hiding behind the ridge. "Should have took me while you had the chance," she taunts, though I bet he's glad he didn't. It would be  embarrassing to realize afterward that everybody was watching. NEXT: The 13 become 2; the kingslayer attacks Stark Camp: That mysterious cute medic wants more supplies to treat the wounded. Robb gets right up in her face all handsome-y and asks her to accompany him on a trip to raid a lord's pharmacy. Ser Alton Lannister delivers Cersei's rejection of peace terms to Robb. He decides to bunk the boy with the Kingslayer for the night. There's a lengthy scene as Jaime's lesser Lannister cousin recounts squiring for the Kingslayer and they seem to bond. All the while the kid keeps inching closer and closer to Jaime, who seems receptive to his attention and flatters the boy. "It's a good thing I am who I am," Jaime notes. "I'd been useless at anything else. I'm not well suited for imprisonment." We were just starting to feel some degree of sympathy for Jaime on this show when he attacks his cousin, killing him. The guard rushes in and Jaime murders him too and escapes. Near Winterfell: Theon tracks the Stark boys to a farm in the countryside. Theon's mood has swung back to infuriated because he's starting to imagine being disrespected and mocked at the prospect of returning to Winterfell without his hostages. "It's better to be cruel than weak," Theon declares. OK, we've heard "the more people you love the weaker you are," "a man is what others say he is" and now "it's better to be cruel than weak." This episode is just full of lousy life advice, isn't it? Theon's first mate finds some of Hodor's walnut shells and they send Maester Luwin away. Does this mean the Stark kids are still at the farm? What's going to happen? How far will Theon go? Qarth: Ser Jorah meets that meta-face-mask girl again. Is this a fashion thing? Is she disfigured? Super worried about sun damage? She knows Ser Jorah's secret -- that he sold intel about Dany to Varys last season in exchange for a pardon of his crimes. She tells him, "The thief you seek is with her now." Ah-ha! That's a great tip. Now we just find Dany and she's ... okay, she's with every single character from Qarth we've met. So her tip was not very helpful. Dany begs the council of the 13 for the return of her dragons. The Spice King notes that if her dragons die, "it's for the best; your dragons will be the world nothing but death and misery." Once again, he's a jerk who makes smart points. The blue-lipped warlock -- Pyat Pree is his name -- suddenly confesses to stealing the dragons and joins Xaro. The warlock magically appears behind each of the other councilmen at the same time and slits their throats. Xaro appoints himself king. Pyat Pree beckons Dany to come to the House of the Undying to fetch her dragons. The 13 are now the 2. So now you're wondering: What the hell just happened? Basically rich Xaro and sorcerer Pyat conspired together to kill the rest of the council and anoint Xaro as Qarth's king. As part of this arrangement, they've kidnapped Dany's dragons and seem to want to lure her to join them. They're convinced by her claim the dragons need their "mother" to survive. Xaro and Pyat apparently want to use Dany to help raise the dragons then use the creatures for their own purposes, though I'm speculating here... NEXT: Theon returns with... Stark Camp: The kingslayer is caught and his life in danger because the guard's father he killed while trying to escape wants revenge. With Robb away, Catelyn worries for Jaime's life. This has to be tough for her because she wants him dead more than anybody, yet he's also the ticket to getting back Sansa and, she falsely believes, Arya. Jaime is amused. He doesn't care if he's hated. He doesn't care if he dies. He just doesn't want to be imprisoned and seems to trying to push Catelyn into killing him. "I've never been with any woman other than Cersei, so in a way I have more honor than poor old dead Ned," he says. She draws her sword... Winterfell: Theon has returned. He brings Maester Luwin into the courtyard and prepares him to see what he's brought back. "I told you what would happen!" Theon warns them. He hoists up-- Two small burned bodies. Bran and Rickon?! They're unrecognizable. Theon gives a tight, haunted smile. Are they really the Stark boys? Did Theon have a Bran-B-Q? Either way, Theon, I'm pretty sure you are damned. Some business: There's a Game of Thrones RPG videogame coming out on Tuesday (trailer here) that's donated some stuff for us to give away. I was trying to think of the best way to do this. I figured it would be fun to offer it to readers who are into these recaps, who get to it first every Sunday night and read them all the way through. So that's why I'm putting at the end of this last paragraph that the first 3 readers to  [CONTEST OVER! Thanks! Congrats to winners James, Johnnie and Justin ... jeez, you guys all brothers or something?] will get a copy of the game (choice of Xbox 360, PS3 or PC). Go! And only one entry per person/I.P. address please (rules).]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Game of Thrones' recap: The Hangover]]> Sun, 13 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17548 tvr_17548 tvr_17548 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP013898090017 http://img2.timeinc.net//ew/i/2012/05/12/GOT-75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net//ew/i/2012/05/12/GOT-175.jpg "Did you take the dragons?!" TV NO -- Drama Episode 07 Season 2 "Did you take the dragons?!"

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap F F Fringe ended with both a birth announcement and a death notice. In the aftermath of a world-saving skirmish with Yaets-quoting wannabe god William Bell that left Olivia Dunham briefly deceased from a bullet to the brain, the Cortexiphan-juiced FBI agent revealed to Peter Bishop that she was pregnant. The Henrietta Cometh! The budding parents hugged; eavesdropping Walter and Astrid beamed. Yet in the very next scene, we saw the elder Bishop burning the midnight oil in the Harvard lab and receiving a visit from a certain fedora-sporting time traveling friend. "We must tell the others," September said. "They're coming." The Observers cometh, too! And with that, Fringe sent us into the hiatus believing that the oppressive liberty-snuffing future seen in "Letters of Transit" remains in play. But will the final season of the sci-fi saga be set in 2036, with Team Bishop Boys leading a revolution against their bald headed, water-swigging rulers? Or will the action be set in the present, with pregnant (or new mom) Olivia and the rest of Fringe division fighting to subvert Observageddon? One thing's for certain: I'm happy to even be theory-dreaming about one more season of Fringe. While not the equal of previous season finales, the second part of "Brave New World" was rough and uneven and yet always compelling and altogether good enough. Part of me thinks that "Letters of Transit" would have been a more interesting, buzzy way to conclude the year. Perhaps my biggest disappointment with the finale we got was that it didn't deal more knowingly with the premise that defined the season: The timeline reboot. The conceit had been downplayed in recent weeks, and the finale only lightly touched on the matter, during a tender scene between Olivia and her (former) foster mother, Nina Sharp. In allowing her Rebootlandia identity to fade away so her original recipe self could take hold, Olivia made the choice to give up the historical, emotional connection she had with Nina. That choice hurt Nina. But it left her with eyes to see the point that I think Fringe was trying to make with the reboot, which seems to be a gloss on the old maxim "the more things change, the more things stay the same," or put another way, a trippy-ironic sci-fi take on the philosophical concept known as "The Best of All Possible Worlds." Here at the end of this controversial reboot year, the relationships as they were have been restored, and the fundamental nature of each character remains the same. Fringe pounded its storytelling world into a warped new shape, just so it could bounce back to its old form. Everything is pretty much in its right place -- at least, the things that actually matter: The people. Was the journey worth the point? I think Fringe fans will be debating this for years, the same way Lost fans argue over season 3 or the way Buffy fans argue over season 6. No, season four of Fringe was not the best season of Fringe, but it deserves huge props for creative boldness, several episodes that were certifiable keepers, and more Emmy-worthy work from the year's MVP cast member, John Noble. But again, I think "Brave New World (Part Two)" should have made a meatier, more explicit summary statement about the reboot. A scene I wanted to see, but didn't get: Peter acknowledging the long, crazy trip it's been since the season 3 finale. After all, the younger Bishop's psychic quantum leap to 2026 via The Doomsday Machine set in motion the chain of events that precipitated to the reboot, which ironically fulfilled the function of The Bridge: To save the "over here" and "over there" universes from destruction. Does Peter still have any memory of his 2025 jaunt? Maybe next season will tell the tale. The episode opened with Belly and Walter watching an episode of Terra Nova. Wait, sorry: It started with Bell using virtual reality tech to show his old friend and former colleague the new earth he wanted to create, a land before time Eden populated with designer life forms like his freighter ark of animal-human hybrids. (Bell's scheme owes something to one of the more underrated sci-fi spectaculars in recent memory: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.) To make his New Genesis, Spock Face needed a big bang, and he intended to produce one via the collision of the "over here" and "over there" worlds. Providing the power: Cortexiphan kid Olivia Dunham, tweaking with extraordinary electromagnetic energy. Bell explained that he got the idea to play almighty creator from Walter: Back in the eighties, Bishop invented radical terraforming tech and was tempted to use it in exactly the way Belly was using it now because of his anger toward God over the deaths of both Peters. Walter's conscience got the better of him, and he asked William to cut those memories out of his brain to prevent him going full-on Dr. Manhattan. Presumably, the resulting damage punched his ticket to St. Claire's. Bell took up the mad mantle years later after he was diagnosed with lymphoma. He became angry and cynical. He also became convinced that if man was truly made in God's image, then man's destiny was to become gods. Or at least, just William Bell. I'm not sure if I believed everything Bell told us. And I'm not just saying that because Bell's stated motivations and backstory blow up the elaborate theory that I shared with you last week. My reason for suspicion is the same thing that keeps my speculation alive: "Stasis Runes." In a bit of business that many of you anticipated (but I did not), we learned that Rebecca Mader's character, introduced last week, was actually an agent working for William Bell. I'm guessing that her function - whether she knew this or not - was to produce scenarios that would further activate Olivia's powers. Last week, she played the role of nanite victim; Olivia cured her. Last night, she phoned Olivia, claimed that someone was following her, and asked her to come over to her house. As Jessica baited Agent Dunham, we saw September arrive - and then get snared by "stasis runes," a golden symbol painted on the floor that was actually technology from the future capable of trapping Observers. Long story short, Olivia and Peter found September stuck to this hexagonal slab of glyph-marked flooring in the now-abandoned warehouse where Bell was storing his excess animal-human hybrids. Before the heroes could liberate The Observer, Jessica showed up and made a show of shooting September with a weapon devised by Bell for the purpose of killing Observers. She put one bullet into September. When she tried put more into him, Olivia used her telekinetic abilities to deflect them back at Jessica, killing her. Olivia then told the wounded time traveler about their peculiar encounter in "Back To Where You've Never Been," when Bloody September appeared to her and claimed that in every possible world, she had to die. The Observer said he had no memory of that moment in the opera house -because for him, that moment hadn't happened yet. And with that, Bloody September vanished "into the future" to investigate... and then (presumably) went back in time to The Orpheum to fulfill the time loop, per the rules of bootstrap/predestination paradox. Burning Question: How did Bell learn to snare and slay Observers? I contend that the central premise of my theory remains valid: That William Bell is leveraging intelligence from the future. But who's feeding it to him? 2036 Walter? Or could it be September himself? Regardless: I suspect all of this tech will come in very handy next season when our heroes are tasked with averting Observageddon. NEXT: Down the well with Lost references. In one stand-out scene, the Fringe division agents used Massive Dynamic's regeneration tech to bring Jessica back from the dead (briefly) to make her cough up Bell's location. Yes, of course, the egg-scrambled assassin's cryptic ramblings reminded me of Rebecca Mader's brain-melted death rattle during the fifth season of Lost, albeit with more creepy crossing eyes. ("I'm not allowed to have chocolate before dinner...") To be honest, I've noticed bunches and bunches of Lost allusions - explicit and indirect - throughout the season, and especially in recent episodes. I've refrained from making them because I know from the message boards that not all of you like it when I go down that well. So to speak. But in this episode alone, I got flashbacks to the moment in season five, when Fake John Locke completed the time loop circuit with the real John Locke by making Richard Alpert give him the compass, and to the moment at the end of season three, when Alex's boyfriend Karl made like September and told the castaways that the invasion of Others was coming. But I digress. Peter and Olivia tracked Bell to the freighter (another Lost evocation!), named The Talos. Fun Fact! In Greek mythology, Talos was a giant winged man of bronze that protected the goddess Europa and the island of Crete from pirates and plunderers. (Unless the ship was actually called The Telos, which is Greek for "intent" or "purpose" or "final cause.") Bell was unfazed. In fact, the awful artificer was prepared to amend his plan by letting Peter and Olivia come along and the play the role of Adam and Eve. It was Walter who saved the day, in a manner that was shocking as it was totally logical. Olivia was powering Bell's big bang; ergo, Olivia had to die. So Walter shot Agent Dunham in the head. Bell's march toward "The Lake Isle of Innisfree" was tripped; the world's  catastrophic slouch to mutant Bethlehem was averted. Spock Face rang his bell, then vanished into... which parallel world? The "over here" world, I think, since Peter realized that Bell's ark was located in the "over there" world. Watching Bell do the teleporting ding-a-ling, I suddenly thought of the beat in "Letters of Transit" in which Walter cut away Bell's frozen-in-amber hand. THEORY! If you recall, Astrid was about to explain the significance - something about needing Bell's paw to "access" something - before Walter interrupted her. Anyway: In the 2036 future, The Bridge is destroyed, and Olivia is out of the picture. Which means the only way to get "over there" is Bell's bell. But only Bell can ring Bell's bell. So I think Future Walter swiped Future Bell's hand so he can use it to ring Bell's bell so he can cross over to the other side and get the tech he needs to build the beacon that will bring an end to The Observers. Somehow. Got it? Anyway, so Olivia got shot in the thinker and went toes up, fulfilling the prophecy that The Observer gave to Olivia via Olivia. But this is a Cortexiphan Kid, whose many gifts include regeneration. (See: the parable of the lemon cake, last episode.) For some reason (to allow Walter a heroic beat? to facilitate a cool-gross visual?), Olivia couldn't heal herself unless Walter pushed the slug out her brain. For me, watching Walter tap into Olivia's skull to save her life evoked the beat earlier in the season in which Walter came thisclose to lobotomizing himself with a needle through the eyeball, but was saved by Olivia. Here, he got to return the favor. The epilogue was full of happy endings for our heroes -- and ironic foreshadowing for those of us with "Letters of Transit" on the brain. Broyles was promoted to general. Fringe division was given funding to finance a full-fledged science unit, headed by Nina. Astrid survived her gunshot wound from last episode. Olivia learned she was pregnant. The Observer announced: "They're coming." And with that, Fringe 4.0 came to a close. I've enjoyed taking the ride with you. Thanks for hanging in there with me though all the links and theories, ramblings and rants. I hope to dialogue with you in the message boards this weekend. For more Fringe coverage, you can read Ken Tucker's take on the finale here and my interview with the exec producers here. Be seeing you. @EWDocJensen]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Fringe' season finale recap: Terra Nova? Hell Noah!]]> Fri, 11 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17521 tvr_17521 tvr_17521 http://img2-3.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/11/fringe_75.jpg http://img2-3.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/11/fringe_175.jpg Liane Hentscher/Fox Insane In The Membrane. Nina (Blair Brown), Peter (Josh Jackson), and Olivia (Anna Torv) had to use their thinkers (and puncture a couple, too) and brainstorm ways to save the parallel universes from William Bell's wrong-headed ambitions in "Brave New World." TV NO -- Drama Episode 22 Season 4 Insane In The Membrane. Nina (Blair Brown), Peter (Josh Jackson), and Olivia (Anna Torv) had to use their thinkers (and puncture a couple, too) and brainstorm ways to save the parallel universes from William Bell's wrong-headed ambitions in "Brave New World."

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap C C Community fans! Our beloved show has been saved! Yes, word broke yesterday evening that NBC has picked up Community for a fourth season of 13 episodes. I've pretty much worn a hole in my carpet from the Lindbergh Lean I've danced to celebrate. However, in Greendale proper, things were not as rosy. Rape was up 8%. General Chang still secretly controlled the school with his Puppet Dean, Fake Moby. And our study group had now lived two months in the cruel exile known as expulsion. But as this show tells us every week, there's comfort to be found even in the midst of the cruelest adversity. Comfort to be found in...community. And so the Greendale Seven still convened for potluck dinners. Troy really wanted to make his own food: bagel bites in a deconstructed hot pocket reduction with a Doritos glaze. Not quite the thing for hungover Britta, who had turned to Demon Rum after being cast out of paradise. At least Jeff brought a pack of lifesavers as his potluck contribution. Those are organic, right? And Abed? Abed decided to bring "delicious Police," as Troy would say. I'm afraid Mr. Nadir--I'm sorry, that'd be Inspector Spacetime-- had become increasingly obsessed with Greendale post-expulsion and was rummaging through the garbage bins on the outskirts of the campus looking for evidence that the Dean had indeed been replaced by an impostor. A Blorgon plot? Possibly. No matter what, this police officer -- I believe the same one who acted like he shot a guy in front of Annie -- could use a lesson in intergalactic protocol. I love how Abed tapped the cadet's badge for good measure. The cop had two items of advice to share with them: First, the Dean had ordered Abed to see a shrink, or else he'd press charges. Second, they really need to stop propping open their front door with that fire brick. Forget the safety issues. That thing's an antique! And a unique piece of Americana that could fetch them $60. Line of the Night No. 7, Courtesy of Troy Barnes: "Sixty dollars?! Hello, rich people? Troy's joining you! Yes, I'll hold." For moral support the whole study group joined Abed for his session with Dr. Heidi. Who better to play this nefarious headshrinker than The Daily Show's own stuffy-academic-in-residence John Hodgman? Sure, he had his hands full with all seven of them, but at least since Britta's a psych major, she was able to have his back, bro. Good for her, especially since Abed really doesn't like doctors and even tried once to remove his own tonsils. He's always been a little crazy, we know, but lately it had gotten worse. Line of the Night No. 6, Courtesy of Troy Barnes: "You have to understand about Abed...he's usually 'adorable weird' like Mork from Ork. But since we got expelled he's been 'creepy weird' like present-day Robin Williams." Not that there wasn't a bit of a ramp-up before. NEXT: Diagnostic Procedure, Step 1: Determining the symptoms, including Brett Ratner-related phobias. Diagnostic Procedure, Step 1: Determining the symptoms Abed had been known to scream like a wittle baby when losing an hour for Daylight Savings Time, though the thought of getting that hour back six months later proved even more terrifying. (Admittedly, I'm inclined to feel Abed's pain here. For years I've railed against Daylight Savings Time as a conspiracy masterminded by the Pro-Light Agenda.) He had also been seen to lash out at friends who praise Brett Ratner. Though the fact that Shirley called the Tower Heist director not only a "master of comedic action adventure, of storytelling" but "the new Spielberg," totally justified him telling her Line of the Night No. 5, "You're a bad person. You're a bad person." He had also taken it upon himself to narrate Pierce's life, even while the moist-wipes heir was oldly eating a sandwich, and he'd started to film Annie while she sleeps. But anything that puts more of Alison Brie in states of undress into the world is a good thing, if you ask me. All that being considered, though, the truth was that everyone was a little "crazy town banana pants." You can't ignore the behavior of Abed's friends. Diagnostic Procedure, Step 2: Assessing the influence of the peer group. Actually Abed might be the least crazy one of the Greendale Seven. Well...Britta once stormed into the study room looking like the Wild Woman of Borneo and asking how long peyote lasts. Troy scolded Annie when she encroached upon his morning talk-show territory with Abed by attempting to brand "Troy and Abed and Annie in the Morning." (Line of the Night No. 4, "Nothing, my ass. What are all these cameras doing here?") Jeff kindly gave Annie his coat at Wig-Out 2012, then undermined his gesture by ordering her not to bend her elbows, sit in chairs with backrests, and to hang it only on wooden hangers. Troy drove a dune-buggy into the study room. Because it's an all-terrain vehicle, dummy! And he thought karate skills had been downloaded Matrix-style into his cerebral cortex when Shirley gave him her son's second place karate championship trophy, chopping the study room table with as much force as when Jeff took an axe to it. NEXT: Diagnostic Procedure, Step 3: Assessing the patient's environment, living chess matches and all. No, there was only one remedy here for Abed, especially considering that his peers were likely to make him more crazy: Commitment. This led to one of the most beautifully written exchanges you're ever likely to see on TV. It may involve multiple characters and several lines, but it's still Line of the Night No. 3: Dr. Heidi: I think Abed should be committed. Jeff: You mean to his character work, right? Because he already is. Abed, show him your Don Draper. Abed: Cigarettes... Dr. Heidi: No, I mean an institution. Jeff: You mean like marriage? Dr. Heidi: I mean a mental institution. Jeff: Ah, so do I! Will somebody please help me lighten the mood? I particularly loved how sheepishly coy Annie looked during Abed's Don Draper impression. Remember, her close relative Trudy Campbell was married to one of Mr. Draper's colleagues. Anyway, the Greendale Seven were stunned. Troy was weeping uncontrollably, which, as I've said before, is the most beautiful sound in the world. Line of the Night No. 2: "Please Mr. Doctor, psychiatrist, sir! Please, don't send my friend to crazy people jail!" Everyone quickly pivoted and said that Abed isn't dangerous. I mean, the psych test that Britta administered on Halloween proved that Abed is actually the most sane of the group. He just flies of the handle if you confuse Star Wars and Space Treks. I would too. Maybe we just need to blame Abed's environment for his dysfunction. Yeah, that's it. Diagnostic Procedure, Step 3: Assessing the patient's environment. Greendale is a messed up place. They have classes on baby talk, advanced breath holding, the frying arts, and ladders. (Hold your applause on the last one.) Homeless men sleep in parts of the campus. They celebrate the 10,000th flush of a toilet. Dean Pelton and his rival at City College hold a living chess match to determine parking for a job fair. Think about this for a moment. The two schools we know feature living chess? Greendale...and Hogwarts. Who else cracked up when Vicki's knight shouted "Neigh"? As crazy as it was, though, Greendale had always been on their side. Certainly the Dean had wanted to be on multiple sides of Jeff. But he really had been there for everybody. NEXT: Diagnostic Procedure, Step 4: Determining the influence of an enabler named Dean Pelton. Diagnostic Procedure, Step 4: Determining the influence of an enabler I mean, the Dean warned them about a campus fire first, before alerting the rest of the school, because "It's not right to play favorites, but it's no more right to sit on your feelings, and I don't know what I'd do without you guys." He declared Darcy to have a cold when she showed up wearing Annie's outfit and ordered her to go home. This was the kind of guy who'd pose as a bearded janitor in order to save the last six pieces of pizza just for them. Who'd sing a song to "those who aren't celebrating anything"--and who would that be?--to the tune of "Troy and Abed Off to Dreamland." Who'd take a paintball for Abed so that he could win tickets to see Chicago with George Wendt and Stefanie Powers. (By the way, now that we have a season four, I totally want to see a film noir-style paintball episode.) Greendale hadn't driven them crazy. It wasn't a bad place, nor were they bad students. That means something else, something nefarious, was at work. Maybe Abed was right and the Dean had been replaced by an impostor. Unfortunately, they couldn't go back. Because Greendale...doesn't exist. The Diagnosis: Abed is insane, because they're all insane. And Greendale isn't a community college. It's an asylum. In order to make their hellish existence in the asylum bearable, the seven of them developed a shared psychosis in which they'd imagine themselves community college students. That explains the ridiculous level of joy they could get from something like a trampoline. When Pierce sang his "Baby Boomer Santa" song and declared himself an "American pearl" he was really in a straight-jacket. And that whole matter of the missing pen that drove the study group crazy last year's bottle episode? An experiment conducted by deep-voiced psychiatrist Garrett to assess their respective reactions. Most importantly, doesn't real community college end after two years? When they left Greendale Asylum, it wasn't because they had been expelled. Their insurance had run out. Community had just out-St. Elsewhered St. Elsewhere. The Treatment Okay, that's totally crazy. As Jeff said, Dr. Heidi's lies weren't even good. When he attempted to sneak out through a window, they pulled him back in and began their interrogation. Turns out there was another explanation all together: Greendale was purgatory, and Dr. Heidi was the Devil. Troy, and all of us, knew it. Line of the Night No. 1 as Jeff slaps Troy across the face: "Stop letting him make you realize stuff!" But what's so impressive about Community's storytelling, is that, for a moment, we all did believe Dr. Heidi's story. Am I alone in this? I mean, it's entirely plausible that the "crazy-town banana pants" things that have happened on this show really did exist in the minds of mental patients who were experiencing a shared psychosis. Obsessing over a missing pen until everybody strips down to prove they haven't stolen it is pretty darn crazy. Or thinking that your peers have turned into zombies because of eating army rations. Or even just for a moment taking seriously the idea of a Kentucky Fried Chicken Seven Herbs & Space simulator. Each of the study groupers are a little crazy. But what's so brilliant about the concept behind Dr. Heidi's lie --the idea of Greendale as an asylum --is that it shows how normal crazy people can be. Three seasons in, you almost take for granted the logic behind Troy's freak-out that 100 people will die in China if Jeff stops talking. The genius of "Curriculum Unavailable" is that it's Community's statement that people are only deemed crazy based upon the context in which they find themselves. If you're on the same wavelength with somebody else, you'll probably find each other perfectly normal, even if others want you committed. It's also why Community fans can find no common ground with Whitney fans. Okay, so really, the truth this time. It turns out General Chang had hired Dr. Heidi to throw Abed and the study group off the scent, as he replaced the Dean with an impostor and took unlimited power upon himself at the school. Crazy? Sure. But this is a guy who snorts sunflower seeds and then shouts "Hot damn!" like Mrs. Mia Wallace. Who thinks that Garrett is a pre-cog. Who tests his fortitude by tasering his genitals. The true enemy is clear. And the study group now has their mission: retake Greendale from the clutches of Chang. The General himself was aware of their threat. and the fact that they now know about Operation Doppel-Deaner. But he still found time for an appletini in between evil plotting. And Troy and Abed found time to don leisurewear and tape an installment of Troy and Abed in the Morning's nighttime spin-off, Troy and Abed in the Morning--Nights! Real Neil with Pipes of Steel is going to have some late-night competition. Next week, the great battle of our time begins. The Battle to Retake Greendale. Until then share your thoughts about "Curriculum Unavailable" in the comments below. And, as Troy said, "May your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be 'Spooky Monster' scary and not 'Grandma Died' scary."]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Community' recap: In Treatment]]> Thu, 10 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17505 tvr_17505 tvr_17505 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP011541620072 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/10/COMMUNITY_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/10/COMMUNITY_175.jpg Lewis Jacobs/NBC IT'S A MADHOUSE! Yes, Community out-St. Elsewheres St. Elsewhere. TV NO -- Comedy Episode 19 Season 3 IT'S A MADHOUSE! Yes, Community out-St. Elsewheres St. Elsewhere.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap V V for months so none of us would see the finale's real twist coming -- ELENA IS GOING TO BE A VAMPIRE. Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson are like Patti Nyholm and Louis Canning, making us look here when we really should have been looking there. (Yes, I also watch The Good Wife.) But when you look back at the episode, after you finally stop repeating your shock-and-awe swear word of choice, you do see the buildup, why now is the right time for Elena to make the transition, and what kind of new layers and story lines it brings to the show. (If you don't, read our postmortem with Plec here.) Let's dig in. We got more flashbacks than I was expecting, and they began with Elena waking up to Pink's "So What" and acting like a happy, perfect teen who, let's face it, we probably would have gotten bored with quickly -- had she not been wearing a cheerleading uniform that belonged on a coed, not a high school student. Nina Dobrev talked to us this week about how she now fills out that uniform, the same one she wore in season 1, and the director definitely took advantage of it. Also, we learned 14-year-old Jeremy liked alone time in the morning. When Elena woke up in present day, she was in the hospital. Of course calling 911 was the smart thing for Jeremy to do when he found her collapsed and bleeding from her nose. But the Salvatores, who were still on the road to dump Klaus into the Atlantic Ocean when they got Jeremy's call, knew it wasn't a safe place for her: They figured every Original would want her dead to save themselves from Alaric, and Alaric would want Elena with him so he could keep her alive and then kill her to commit suicide. Because Jeremy had been told Elena only had a slight concussion, he felt fine about sneaking her out of the hospital and taking her home, the one place Alaric can't get to her. And that was good, because Alaric did pay Meredith a visit to tell her she had to release Elena into his custody because he's her guardian; inform her that the Council now knows the truth about her, Sheriff Forbes, and Mayor Lockwood and wants their jobs; and also empty her stash of medicinal vampire blood. (Did that tip anyone off to Meredith having given Elena blood? Not me.) When they hung up with Jeremy, Damon told Stefan he appreciated him not being the dumbest brother in the world, which was a nice bonding beat before they had to decide who would stash Klaus' body somewhere and who would return to protect Elena. It was sweet to see how motherly Caroline, Tyler, and Matt were taking care of Elena as they brought her home. Elena was hungry, which Tyler said the boys would get on as soon as they made sure no one was lurking in the closets. Cute. There must be a lot of closets in that house, because Elena had enough time to fall asleep and flashback again to the day her parents died. Bonnie, also a cheerleader, was telling Elena and Matt how she'd psychically predicted that flare jeans would come back in style, and now she had a bad feeling about that night's bonfire. Matt wanted Elena to come with him anyway, even though her parents had arranged a family night since Aunt Jenna was in town. When Matt walked away, he said "I love you," but Elena didn't. Bonnie told her she had to set him free if she just wasn't that in to him anymore. Elena woke up again in present day, and Matt was on Elena duty. She apologized for stringing him along when she should have figured out what she wanted and been honest about it. Now, she said, she's making the same mistake with Stefan and Damon. She knows she has to let one of them go, but she doesn't want to lose either of them. But which one should she set free? As if to answer Matt's question, in walked Stefan. Point for Damon, I thought. NEXT: Elijah is still our favorite Original I guess there was nothing in the Gilbert house but tea and vodka -- is it gonna be like spring break all the time there now? -- so Jeremy had to go to the Grill to get food. This felt like a good time to order in, but whatever. Alaric popped up with a proposition: If Jeremy helped him find Klaus' body so he could stake him, Alaric would allow them to desiccate his body and Elena could live her normal human life. After coming home and consulting with Matt, who just wanted Elena to leave town, I actually thought Jeremy did sell them out when he later phoned Alaric to tell him Damon was dumping the body in the woods. No matter how cute the Henley Twins looked after that, I would have hated Jeremy and Matt. Luckily, the camera panned back when Jeremy finished his call, and we saw he was still on Team Vampire, which had a new member -- ELIJAH!!! Elijah had popped up earlier when Elena got tired of sitting on the couch and waiting for Stefan and Matt to feed her. Matt wondered why Stefan wasn't controlling Elena, and Stefan said because he understands the power of free will. Point for Stefan, I thought. Elijah had a proposition of his own: If they gave the Originals Klaus' body and helped them steal the stake from Alaric, they would scatter and Alaric was sure to chase them. Elijah promised he would not revive Klaus in Elena's lifetime or the lifetime of her children. (She'll never have children!) That was when Damon spoke up -- he'd been hearing this all via cell. Hilarious. Stefan said it was Elena's decision, which Damon was firmly against. She decided to trust Elijah's word. I would have, too. I'm powerless against that vamp in a suit. Anyway, Caroline and Tyler heard from their mothers that they'd been outed to the Council. As soon as the Council took care of Klaus, they'd be coming for them. Their mothers wanted them to leave Mystic Falls to save themselves and offered them cash and new IDs. Tyler wanted to leave, like yesterday, but Caroline wouldn't until they helped their friends. Once they were safe,  she'd go anywhere with him. All she needed was him, and maybe a curling iron. Tyler told her to go, and he'd pack their things and meet her back at the cellar in two hours. I was already tearing up. They were so willing to make the best of their exile, you just knew they'd never get the chance. Bonnie had met Damon at a storage facility, and he presumed she would spell Klaus' coffin to make it invisible to Alaric, as she'd done with the coffins earlier in the season to hide them from Klaus. When they opened the lid, Klaus' eyes popped open. FREAKY. Damon told Bonnie they were in a bit of a hurry, but she asked for a minute alone with Klaus. After all he'd done to everyone, including her mother, she wanted to enjoy the sight of him chained, helpless, and rocking some stubble. Even though we'd all read Bonnie makes a deal with "heartbreaking consequences" in the finale's synopsis, things were just moving too fast for me to piece it together: She was making a deal with Klaus to put him in Tyler's body, so if Alaric staked Klaus, her friends would all live. Should I have said WHEN instead of IF? Do you think Bonnie and Klaus wanted Alaric to stake Klaus' body so Alaric would think he was gone? Did Tyler have a say in this at all? Back at the Gilbert house, Stefan was saying goodbye to Elena. He said with Caroline and Elijah, they had the numbers to get the stake from Alaric, and he'd do everything in his power to make sure they all came home. I was so ready for her to kiss him. She wanted to tell him something but stopped. She said they could talk later. He started to leave but stopped himself, turned around, went back, and kissed her. "That's just incase there is no later," he said. Still, I thought she wanted to choose Damon, and this moment was made to make her feel even more guilty about it. Stefan called Damon to go over Elijah's plan, and Damon couldn't believe Stefan had let Elena make the decision to trust him. Stefan said he let her because if he didn't, she'd hate him. Damon said that was the difference between them: He'd have made her do it his way and she would've hated him, but she'd still be alive. And again, I didn't stop to process that this was foreshadowing. Of course Damon would have saved Elena first, even if she was telling him to rescue Matt. She'd still be human. I can see both sides in this argument: It's not like this decision just affected Elena this time. It was all their lives. They should all have a say. But Damon doesn't always know right, just because he's a man and much, much older. Damon had been expecting Rebekah to meet him at the storage facility to collect Klaus, but instead, it was Alaric who showed up. He'd had the police track Klaus' car, which I guess Damon had been driving because it was the only thing big enough for the coffin. Damon wouldn't tell him which storage locker Klaus was in, so Alaric snapped his neck. I wondered why Alaric didn't just stake him and get it over with -- one less vamp to worry about. But we'd find out later that Alaric didn't want Damon to suffer a quick death. He wanted to make it hurt... NEXT: Klaus catches fire Elena was still busy confiding in Matt, who I totally now want to share all my boy problems with. She told him about Stefan saving her that night of the crash. Did she feel like she owed him? No, she said. Being with Stefan, she learned how to live again after her parents died. You should love the person that makes you glad you're alive, she explained. Problem is, when she's with Damon, he just consumes her. Again, she said she knows she'll lose one of them, and she doesn't want to choose. She wished she had her mom there to give her some advice. Cue another flashback! It turns out Matt was Mr. Clingy back in the day and was talking about college and marriage at the bonfire. (Because why wouldn't he be?) She'd had a fight with him and had called home to see if someone could leave Family Night and come pick her up. Her mother assured Elena that she knew how she felt about Matt, she was just afraid to say it. She wouldn't be losing Matt, her mom said. She'd be setting him free. How funny that while Elena was dreaming about setting Matt free, he AGAIN WAS TRYING TO FENCE HER IN! She woke up again, and he'd drugged her to get her in the truck. He was taking her out-of-town to keep her safe. That was the stupidest idea ever. You are a puny human, Matt. Also, what an A-hole move drugging her. She's not Peeta in The Hunger Games. And you shouldn't throw her over your shoulder like a caveman. Point for Stefan, I thought. Rebekah finally showed up at the storage facility looking for Damon. He grabbed her, and they started wheeling out the coffin, but Alaric found them. Where was Bonnie, I wondered. She must have bolted when Alaric arrived, I guess. Alaric staked Klaus, who went up in flames. It's so funny, after watching Klaus get desiccated last week, I thought it'd be anticlimactic if he got killed this week, but it got to me. Something about the flames seemed so final. (Even if Julie Plec says she didn't see his entire body burn, so who knows...) Alaric told Rebekah she was next. Damon told her to run, which felt chivalrous even though he was doing it for his possible bloodline, and charged Alaric. Alaric just tossed him aside. At this point, I thought Tyler was a goner, and Klaus and Bonnie must have struck some kind of a deal in which Klaus would somehow tell her how to break his blood bond with the heroes (maybe since he's a hybrid, only his hybrids would die?) if Bonnie would use her magic to keep the remaining Originals safe if something were to happen to him. Damon told Stefan over the phone about Klaus being "killed." They both felt fine, but it'd taken Sage an hour to die after Finn. An hour wasn't enough time for Damon to get back to Mystic Falls. Damon thought Stefan meant the brothers would miss their epic goodbye, but Stefan had meant Damon and Elena. And here, I thought, Stefan had figured out that Elena wanted to choose Damon. I'm such a sucker. Damon told Stefan to call him if he coughed up a lung. It would have been poetic if Damon, a man who wanted to care for no one at the start of the series but saw his heart grow three sizes over three seasons, died alone. But there was still hope... Jeremy broke the news to Matt, who told Elena he could keep driving them to Damon, who was 100 miles outside of Mystic Falls, or he could turn around and take her back to Stefan. Now was the time for her to decide. She phoned someone -- it was Damon. I thought maybe she was calling to ask him his exact location. Damon asked her where she was... and she said headed home. It wasn't just for Stefan, but for Caroline and Tyler as well. I'm so glad Damon didn't let her get away with that. He said since he was possibly a dead man, he wanted to ask her one thing: If it was just him and Stefan she had to worry about, who would get the in-person goodbye. "I love him, Damon," she said. Stefan came into her life at a time when she needed someone, and she fell for him instantly. No matter what she feels for him, she never un-fell for Stefan. Damon said it will always be Stefan. She couldn't say always. She could only think of now. "I care about you, Damon, which is why I have to let you go," she said, fighting back tears. Maybe if they'd met first, her decision would have been different, she added. I teared up again as the music swelled. I knew Damon wouldn't die, because the show needs Ian Somerhalder and the triangle until the bitter end, but the idea of Damon being alone, thinking he might be dying, was gut wrenching. It was going to get worse. Alaric came back, having lost Rebekah, and he was pissed. Now it was time for Damon to suffer, and he hit him. Damon didn't have the will to fight back. NEXT: Tyler is Klaus, Elena is a vampire Caroline met back up with Tyler, who told her he'd been with Bonnie -- why, we didn't know. She told him about Klaus and sobbed. She wasn't worried for herself, she was worried for him. He was the only one they knew was definitely from Klaus' line. Looking back, Michael Trevino was definitely doing some of Joseph Morgan's mannerisms in this scene. And for real, would Tyler tell her she had a "beautiful future?" He started coughing and doubling over in pain. She felt fine. You thought this was it, we were going to see him die. You braced yourself. Caroline wanted to stay with him, but he insisted she leave. He started turning into a werewolf to make her run. Rebekah came back and hugged Elijah. They couldn't understand why if Tyler died, the Salvatores and Caroline were still alive if Klaus really was the origin of their bloodline, which Rebekah confirmed was true. (So did Plec.) Cut to Tyler walking out, holding his shoulders like Morgan, to talk to Bonnie. She'd put Klaus in Tyler, and Trevino really turned it on here, tilting his head like Morgan when he talked. Klyler (is that what we're going with?) told her the spirits would be pissed. She's done caring. She's doing what she wants for the people she cares about, witch ancestors and Original vampires be damned. Rebekah called Stefan to tell him that Elena had spoken with Elijah, and she knew Matt and Elena were headed back into town. Stefan said Elijah told him he and Rebekah would be leaving now. Not exactly. Rebekah didn't want to run anymore. As Matt and Elena fumbled with his phone in the truck (let that be a lesson, kids, don't even pass your phone while driving), Rebekah positioned herself in the center of the road. Matt swerved to miss her -- reflex, I guess, since it was unnecessary because she's a vampire. The truck went flying off the bridge and into the water. Elena came to, in flashback. She was in the backseat of her parents' car, and her father told her they'd be okay. But the water was rising. The way they dragged that entire car segment out -- first intercutting it with Damon getting his ass kicked by Alaric, who wanted to punish Damon because it was their friendship that had made it difficult for Evilaric to come through -- was perfect emotional cruelty! Damon had his own flashback now: He was lying in the middle of the road, presumably to play dead and drain someone who'd stop to help him, when Elena came walking on the road alone. She was on her cell explaining that she couldn't break up with Matt that night, but she'd do it. Damon jumped up and went to her -- "Katherine?" Elena told him her name. Then, I assume because she looked like Katherine so he wasn't going to kill her (at least immediately), he started a conversation. She told him it was creepy, him being out there by himself. But so was she, he noted. "It's Mystic Falls. Nothing bad ever happens here," she said. Ha! Then, she told him about her fight with her boyfriend, who had their futures mapped out. Because that's what you do when you meet a mysterious stranger on a dark road. Elena said the problem was she didn't know what she wanted. Damon said of course she does. She wants what everyone wants: "You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure. And even a little danger." She asked him what he wanted. Was that where he would have made his typical Damon smartass comment and bitten her? Luckily, her parents tooted. "I want you to get everything that you're looking for. But right now, I want you to forget that this happened," he answered, compelling her. "I can't have people knowing that I'm in town yet. Goodnight, Elena." And he sped off. SO HE HAD MET HER FIRST. Remembering that conversation, Damon rose to fight Alaric. I cheered. In the water, Elena was having her own fight. We cut back and forth from the past, where Elena watched her father desperately trying to knock out his window and open the door, to present day, where Elena desperately tried to rouse Matt and break her window and open her door. Nina Dobrev gave a Shailene Woodley in The Descendents-level underwater performance as she yelled "Dad!" to get her father's attention. She wanted him to stop so she could hold his hand. I sobbed. He shook his head no, and I wasn't sure if that was him telling her they weren't getting out or not to give up. She nodded, accepting their fate. She mouthed "I love you." More tears. She coughed and let go of his hand. She was running out of air. Stefan swam into frame, and we saw how her father had motioned for him to save Elena in the backseat (and Stefan was shocked to see someone who looked like Katherine). We also saw how Elena was motioning for him to save Matt. With the door off, I'm not sure why Elena couldn't try to swim out herself. I guess she just had no air left to try. She went lifeless and started floating. Such beautiful acting. Alaric started weakening in the fight against Damon, and Damon figured out what must be happening. Damon held Alaric in his arms and said "You are not dead, you are not dead" -- of course, he meant Elena. I didn't believe it until Alaric showed up to say goodbye to Jeremy, as Jeremy was leaving Matt a frantic message asking why they weren't back yet. Alaric was a ghost -- that's why he was able to get into the house and Jeremy was able to see him. He told Jeremy he'd always be there to look after him. Jeremy caught up. We saw Elena on the coroner's table, and Stefan standing above her with tears in her eyes. Okay, now it was real. I think this was when I started yelling, "What? WHAT? WHAT???" at my TV. Damon came storming in asking where Elena was, and Meredith stopped him. She told him she hadn't wanted to scare Jeremy with how bad Elena's condition was when they'd come to the hospital earlier. It wasn't a concussion, she had bleeding on the brain. Meredith had "helped her" -- by giving her vampire blood to save her. So she died with vampire blood in her. The camera went back on Elena. She awoke gasping for air. And this is when I kept repeating, "Holy [expletive] [expletive]." We live in a world where Elena will be a vampire. Personally, I'm psyched. Yes, it will be weird to see Elena drink blood, but it's not like we actually see Caroline drinking blood in a tumbler like we do Damon. I think they can work around that, after the initial transition. They say who you were as a human is amplified as a vampire -- so what will Elena Vamp be like? Will she want passion and adventure (Damon), or will she want someone who makes her feel like going on when she really doesn't want to (Stefan)? You thought she wanted to make all the decisions before? Imagine now. I'm also excited to see Klaus try to pretend he's Tyler long enough to get "You're Alive!" sex. And truthfully, I like Michael Trevino more than Tyler, so this is like best of both worlds for me. Though I will miss Joseph Morgan's vulnerable eyes, so let's hope Alaric did extinguish those flames when he shut Klaus' coffin on him. Stupid boy. They'll all have to deal with the Council next season, now that the members know the truth about vampires being in town. That will be fun, too. The only thing I'm skeptical about is Bonnie. I feel like season 4 has to have juicy Bonnie stuff, or she needs to get gone. If the witch spirits are angry with her (and she gets sucked into more dark magic?), that could finally be an interesting story line for her. Your turn.]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['The Vampire Diaries' season finale recap: Transition Time]]> Thu, 10 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17470 tvr_17470 tvr_17470 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP011587520062 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/10/VAMPIRE-DIARIES-02_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/10/VAMPIRE-DIARIES-02_175.jpg Annette Brown/The CW DUMPED Damon (Ian Somerhalder) didn't have any bourbon handy when he needed it most. Not cool. TV NO -- Drama Episode 22 Season 3 DUMPED Damon (Ian Somerhalder) didn't have any bourbon handy when he needed it most. Not cool.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap G G Shonda Rhimes told EW that in addition to a big death, viewers should be prepared for something bad to happen in next week's season finale. Knowing that, I watched the penultimate episode with bated breath, constantly looking for clues of what impending doom might befall Seattle Grace next week. I watched Arizona break the news to her brother's best friend Nick that his cancer was incurable, and thought that maybe this would lead to a bigger storyline.  I watched April lose all possible job offers, including a place at Seattle Grace, and surmised, "Oh, this is setting up her downfall." I got my answer, however, in the last moments of the episode when a closing shot of an airplane carrying majority of our doctors crashed. Yes, you read that right, and no, you didn't stumble upon one of Doc Jensen's old Lost recaps, may they rest in peace. We don't know any details yet, but a plane carrying Meredith, Derek, Cristina, Arizona, and Sloan has crashed, split open in the middle of the wilderness. Maybe some of you predicted this when you saw them all on the plane, but -- paint me oblivious -- I actually gasped in those last moments. I know that's a lot to process (it certainly was for me), so while you get your bearings, let's start at the beginning. Chief Hunt and the other head surgeons are in game-time mode in the conference room as they try and figure out which of their docs are leaving the nest. But while the surgeons powwow, the doctors with the real decisions to make are partying at Casa de la Grey, taking celebratory shots, and turning the music off every time a phone rings, lest it be a hospital with an offer. That included April, who got her first of many calls from hospitals revoking their offers. The second "retract call" came during lunchtime at the hospital where Cristina was on hand to pick up, put on her best high-pitched Kepner voice, and stick it right back to the bad news bearer. I absolutely loved seeing Cristina stand up for Kepner when there have been so many moments when she's really laid it on her. To me, it showed a true moment of unity as these doctors all go their separate ways. But though that moment was a bright spot, things continued to go downhill for April until she landed smack down at the bottom when Hunt told her that even Seattle Grace couldn't keep her on staff. April is seriously unraveling, and even though she's a pretty irritating character, I can't help but really feel for her. NEXT: Mixed signals abound... Speaking of Hunt, this episode seemed to hand the doctor his own share of ups and downs -- in the midst of trying to figure out where his staff is going to land (ugh, saying 'land' reminded me of the plane crash), he's getting some serious mixed signals from Cristina. First, she comes home and snuggles up to him while he's sleeping...before walking out the door. Then, she walks in on him while he's napping at the hospital for a quick romp....before telling him she's leaving. Such is the enigma of a conflicted woman! Cristina's confusion probably wasn't helped by Meredith constantly badgering her to accept Stanford's offer so they could stay close together. I love their friendship, and the pair has certainly been through a lot, no doubt, but did anyone else raise their eyebrows when Cristina told Meredith that Owen was "her person" now? While that's a mature move on Cristina's part, a small part of me that advocates girl power cried just a little. Just keepin' it real, guys. Either way, despite Meredith, despite Owen, and despite Teddy, Cristina goes with the Mayo Clinic. Hello, Midwest! And hello, Boston? Derek is pushing Meredith to accept her offer in Boston even though she wants to stay put in Seattle. He really wants to head to Harvard where he's been offered a $10 million endowment to continue finding a cure for Alzheimer's. He's so gung-ho about it, he takes Meredith to their finally completed house to prove he's not attached. Can I just take a minute to say this was HUGE flashback for me to one of my all-time favorite Grey's moments that involved a whole lot of candles and a blabbering Meredith? Karev was also grappling with a tough decision after learning that -- thanks to the great, powerful Dr. Webber -- Johns Hopkins was after him. Getting to see a really fun relationship between Webber and Karev had to be one of the best parts of the otherwise depressing episode. Webber went all Brad Pitt in Moneyball as he coached Karev in the art of negotiation, giving him expert advice on how to get exactly what he wants both from Hunt and Hopkins. The best part? When Hopkins offers Karev an international rotation, payment for his loans, and a mortgage allowance. Sheesh. Karev is truly shocked to finally be landing on top, and why wouldn't he be? He's one of those characters who has had a whole lot of crap heaped onto his doorstep in many, many different forms throughout the years. I can't tell you how refreshing it felt (for at least the better part of the hour) to see him actually get what he wants. NEXT: The crossword to end all crosswords... In other parts of the hospital, Bailey and Ben were at odds after Bailey walked out on a romantic morning that her beau had planned because, as we've learned by now, no man gets between Bailey and her scalpel. Bailey was caught up at the hospital treating a man and his wife, played by Mary Lynn Rajskub, who had parasites crawling under both of their skins. (Sidenote: Was anyone else hoping for a 24- referenced interaction with Rajskub and Kim Raver?! Just me? Chloe and Audrey together again!) Anyway, as Bailey and Ben are bickering over the morning's events while in surgery, Bailey happens to have the crossword on hand that Ben was so insistent she complete. She annoyingly stumbles upon the clue "My question to you." Hmm, what's short, bug-eyed, and all kinds of shocked? Bailey's face when she realizes that the 14-letter answer to the clue is "Will you marry me?" But whether the proposal still stands after this mishap is up in the air because we later learn that Ben has been offered a job at UCLA. As someone who is a little unhealthily obsessed with creative proposals, this one (albeit ruined) hits way high in my book. Another patient on the table was Nick, Arizona's cancer-ridden friend whom we met last episode. Though Cristina and Teddy did their best to save the adventurous guy, his cancer had spread too far into his body. It was heartbreaking for Arizona to hear the news she already assumed (even more heartbreaking watching her break it to Nick), but it prompted her to beg Callie to never leave her. After the death of her brother, paired with Nick's diagnosis, any more heartbreak will be too much for Arizona to bear. I type that with a heavy heart because who knows what sadness is in store for these doctors heading into next week's finale? We know it's going to be a hard episode (and likely will not end in candles and elevator smooches), we know someone is going to die, and we know Shonda Rhimes has a track record of bringing out the ugliest of ugly tears in her dedicated viewers. Your turn. What were your thoughts on tonight's wreckage? Wasn't it totally eerie that the final song kept repeating, "bring them all back tonight" while Owen erased the doctors who were leaving off the whiteboard? Chills. Given today's big announcement, who do you think will get the ax next week?]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Grey's Anatomy' recap: Don't Know When I'll Be Back Again]]> Thu, 10 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17462 tvr_17462 tvr_17462 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP007322830201 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/10/GREYS-ANATOMY_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/10/GREYS-ANATOMY_175.jpg Randy Holmes/ABC GONE, BABY, GONE Don't be deceived by Arizona and Callie's happy faces -- there's not much to smile about when this episode ends. TV NO -- Drama Episode 23 Season 8 GONE, BABY, GONE Don't be deceived by Arizona and Callie's happy faces -- there's not much to smile about when this episode ends.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap A A American Idol results show, in these final hours before the three chosen ones would embark on their Hometown Hero Visits, Little Hollie Cavanagh laid down her heart. I think we all saw an elimination coming for sweet Hollie, she of the sparkly and pehhhhr-fect #holliepops species. What I didn't expect was to cry so hard during her farewell song. Everything about it was truly perfect, starting from the way she had to jump in late, because she couldn't hear the backing track over the cheers. Cool as an electric blue cucumber, our Alice in Wonderland wandered first over to season 11's Top 3: Joshua Ledet, Jessica Sanchez, and Phillip Phillips for a quick hug, then eventually approached the judges for some light hand squeezes and a "Hi baby" from Steven Tyler. J. Lo's mouth twitched from a saccharine smile to a "yeah, girl" scrunch as Hollie sang "I Got to Be Strong." Jessica Sanchez leaked out her second visible tear of the week on "just keep on pushing on." Joshua was a wet mess the whole time, of course. And even Phillip had watery eyes as he began to sing "It's..." with Hollie on her last line -- before immediately wising up that he was about to sing the title of a Miley Cyrus song on camera. Good save, P.P.! By the time Hollie went for the big finish, her tiny arm outstretched until she let it fall limp -- what's the use? -- Joshua had drowned in his own tears and the judges were on their feet. Maybe I was just avoiding my recap, but I ended up rewinding Hollie's whole performance seven or eight times. I love to get a good reality TV sob in once and a while, and apparently Joshua and Jessica's showstopping moments during last night's The Song I Wrote to Bring You to Tears round weren't enough for me. I was so happy to see Hollie -- who really has "grown up with us," as Ryan Seacrest said -- in complete control while everyone else wept for her. Good for you, Hollie. Now eat the little cake so you can get big enough to sing to us again. NEXT: J. Lo's always gonna wanna make it move The rest of the show was long and terrible, except for season 7 winner David Cook's performance of his new self-released single, "The Last Song I'll Write For You." It's beautiful, just beautiful. Let's all download it. Thanks to the production team for hooking up someone's Mac to the giant Idol oval -- I've never seen the "Flurry" screen saver look quite so majestic. Oh wait. I did like that dance number with all the ripped men in tight silver jeans and zero shirts. J. Lo, who wanted to dance again and loves to make love to you, baby, emerged from a cocoon of torsos with bedroom hair and a sparkly sapphire boobotard to mouth some words, show off her hot bod, and grind up on her new ghost friend Casper Smart. I know it's not about the lyrics, but I have to hand it to "Dance, Yes / Love, Next." for taking every J. Lo dance hit and boiling them down to life's four essential elements, if you're J. Lo. Time flies when you're J. Lo, huh? It seems like just yesterday she was PDA-ing onstage with then-husband Marc Anthony as he performed his single, "Something in Spanish," during last season's Idol finale. These kids grow up so fast. I hope Hollie was watching! She needs the "experience," remember? I'm pretty sure J. Lo meant "sexual." Two somewhat hidden gems tonight: Steven Tyler mouthed (I think) "Hi grandma" a second before David Cook's performance, and someone edited out the "kinda" from J. Lo's "Joe kinda Cocker" comment last night. Blasphemy! How dare you mess with the original? Were you surprised at all by Hollie's exit? How would you rank the Top 3? ARE YOU READY TO CRY? See you next week! Read more: 'American Idol' Top 4 recap: Nothing Without a Woman or a Girl Who sang best on Top 4 night? 'And I Am Telling You' to vote! -- POLL 'Idol': Top 4's Best and Worst -- PHOTO GALLERY 'American Idol': Name your Top 4 Power List! At home with the Top 9 in the 'Idol' mansion -- EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS Ask Annie anything about 'Idol' (or whatever) in the video player below. To see her answers to previous questions, click on the text links below the picture. This is *not live*! ]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['American Idol' recap: Turn Down the Lights]]> Thu, 10 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17463 tvr_17463 tvr_17463 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP005520800415 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/10/IDOL-HOLLIES_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/10/IDOL-HOLLIES_175.jpg Fox 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE HOMETOWN VISITS Hollie was nestled all snug in her dread, while visions of chicken-cheese nachos danced in Phillip's head. TV NO -- Reality TV Episode 36 Season 11 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE HOMETOWN VISITS Hollie was nestled all snug in her dread, while visions of chicken-cheese nachos danced in Phillip's head.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap A A . . . R. Yo summed up American Idol's Top 4 performance show pretty perfectly right there, but I suppose I can do my part to expand on things. This week, Jessica, Joshua, Phillip, and "even Hollie" -- J. Lo, you are EVIL -- took on two new random themes. For "California Dreamin'," they could sing any song by any artist who had ever been aware of the state of California. For "The Song I Wish I Wrote," they could sing any song. Pretty good themes! I predict next week's will be "Songs." Really, there's no need to confuse us. We get it. They're singing songs. The Updos I Wish I Revoked Even Phillip Phillips' brother-in-law thought last week's "Time of the Season" sounded pretty rough. Maybe he should be a judge. "Have You Ever Seen the Rain" was an all-around average Phillip performance, though I was struck at how much more engaged he seems with his music when sexy jazz sax maestro Mindi Abair (a.k.a. She Bangs) is in town. Phillip was able to interact with her and Beach Hat Organist pretty well, even though he was planted pretty far away from them. If this had just been Phillip, his guitar, and stock footage of surfers on the giant oval, I might have dozed off. I never knew that "the rain comin' down over me" was intended to represent a gnarly wave. Clearly I need to work on my California Dreamin'! J. Lo said Phillip's "Rain" had a "Joe kinda Cocker quality" to it that she hadn't heard before. It's like she's never seen an episode. That's so weird. I thought she was one of the judges. NEXT: Caterphillar Phillips matures into a butterfly Phillip's second performance, Damien Rice's "Volcano," had the stripped-down feel (ooooooooh yeah) and total-darkness setting (mmm-hmm) I'd been waiting for from him. The vocal itself might not have been anything to write your baby a letter about, but the staging made up for that and transformed the performance into an artistic experience. Like Steven, I loved the cellist and the backup singer -- and as a viewer, I liked how all three players shared the screen on an equal scale. It made the whole song seem almost like a even-keeled braid weaving itself together through the power of the music. Oh wow, have I just become Steven Tyler? I hope so. He has better hair. Anyway, the judges' verbal volcano runneth over with lava-ish praise. "Few people could have pulled that off on a competition show like this," raved J. Lo. Hmm. Copying a beautiful song in the darkness? I'm pretty sure it's happened. Little Hollie Cavanagh (#holliepops) -- wearing a messy high school girls basketball bun and an uncharacteristic gray work shirt straight out of Phillip's closet -- took us on a journey back to her teary season 10 audition. Suddenly there she was, all glammed up on her capital-J Idol Journey to take on "Faithfully." A generic empty road rolled out behind her in the dreaded oval. After a few solid verses, Hollie really came alive in her final series of "I'm still yourrrrrrrrs" -- so much power! We need that oomph from Hollie, otherwise her performances feel lacking. That's what was wrong with "I Can't Make You Love Me," I think. J. Lo tried to pin the problem on Hollie's lack of experience in heartbreaks, which was just so off the mark. The real problem was that Hollie had been instructed by snapping turtle Jimmy Iovine, "DON'T OVERSING it." That's when she should have switched her song choice. I wish there had been a looping malfunction with Hollie's iPod this week wherein Bonnie Raitt could warn Hollie over and over, I'll feel the power -- but you won't. As soon as Hollie sang that line live, I realized it was true: Hollie herself was clearly overcome with emotion during the song, but the song couldn't provide the dynamic range that would let the audience feel Hollie's power in any way. I actually agreed with Randy [bloodcurdling scream] when he told her the song "gave you nowhere to go" and reminded her that at this stage in the season, "you need moments." NEXT: Joshua Ledet is having a moment I loved seeing the profound difference between Joshua Ledet's season 10 and season 11 auditions -- he was all sheepish and shy the first go-round (only Steven thought he'd be ready after "a little groomin'") and then sauntered in with an easy smile and his head held high the second time. We couldn't really hear him in that footage, but the idea that he truly wasn't ready (as Joshua himself admitted) makes me respect him more for whatever he worked out in the interim. There's so much conviction in what Joshua does today -- the fact that he had to dig deep and find that instead of floating through life as a pitch-perfect mimic of other singers really appeals to me. There's a lot of action swarming around in that peaceful little head of his. I guess my point is that I'm liking Joshua more and more. That moment during rehearsal footage when Jimmy told him to call him with any questions and Joshua started giggling and had to explain "I ain't got your phone number" was genuinely hilarious. Anyway, Joshua's first song, Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up," was okay -- a little cheesy for my tastes with the elevating platform and gospel choir. I think the confined space might have ended up limiting him vocally. He seemed a little preoccupied with the physical element of the performance, much like he had when he was trying to remember the choreography in last week's "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." I much prefer when Joshua gets to slink around the stage on his own. And in round two, I certainly got my wish. He's got 15 pieces of flair and a flower ain't one. Joshua's take on James Brown's "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" oozed with compassion, sensuality, and an all-around awareness beyond his years. This time he was truly feelin' it and so were the all-female band members (I'm still a sucker for a string section) enveloping him as the main event. But he'd be nothing, nothing, without a woman or a girl. It was a smart and poignant move to dedicate "Man's World" to his mom, "the backbone of the family," just before Mother's Day. Joshua can tend to go overboard, but what I loved about this song and arrangement was that just when he got really riled up, spitting into the microphone and growailing (new word?) out a high note, the swelling stopped and the orchestra took a beat before seeping in again. I love songs that do this. It was like we got to hit the reset button on his momentum from our living rooms -- yet Joshua was the one in complete control. SO GOOD. This got the first standing O of the night, which shouldn't matter, but maybe it does. "That was sickening," snarled J. Lo, who was so grossed out that she had to start complimenting him in Spanish. "One of the best performances in the history of ANY singing show, INCLUDING ours!" cried the ice cream man. NEXT: Jessica Sanchez cries, you cry, we all cry for Randy Jackson's ice cream Jessica Sanchez "literally can't do anything but sing," she told us. Stop selling yourself short, girl! You also look excellent stepping into seven-inch heels that Ryan Seacrest has laid out for you. (Do they plan on replaying that footage once per every registered foot fetishist in America?) This time, for round one, Jessica wore pants. But she made up for the tame outfit with suggestive material: "Steal Away" by Etta James. I'm surprised J. Lo didn't grill her afterwards on how many sex partners she's had. But who am I kidding, this isn't Hollie. Anyway, I liked the song choice and Jessica sounded growly and great, like she's been practicing this one for years. "I am 65 years old and have been singing all my life," Jessica explained to us backstage. Shhhhh. It's a secret. Jessica's brilliant cover of "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls was mind-blowing in that the girl had nothing with her up there -- no company save one inexplicable pink sleeve and the deadly smoke monster creeping at her feet -- and she still managed to make the stage feel like a wet 'n' wild amusement park. There's a time and a place for oversinging, and "a monster of a song" in the pimp spot of American Idol's Top 4 night is it. I'm so happy Jessica finally got to do this, but I was frustrated for Hollie, who should have chosen a similar power anthem. Imagine if she'd picked something different -- last night's second round of songs might have been the best streak of Top 4 performances ever. Alas, their song choices afforded only Jessica -- not Hollie -- the opportunity to age up. "I don't know where you find the experience," Randy marveled, "but dude, you are phenomenal." Oh dawg, I think we all know the "experience" was "listening to/watching the song over and over for years." Pretty weird double standard for the night. But that shouldn't diminish Jessica's performance. The best moment of the show was when J. Ugh started gushing over the emotional quality of Jessica's performance and just as she said "it was probably just ripping your soul apart," a single tear rolled down Jessica's cheek. She was crying! I was crying. NO ONE could have orchestrated that any better. But I'm sure Nigel Lythgoe patted himself on the back or got Aaron the bodyguard to do it for him. Just ask Steven: Nigel takes credit for everything. By the way, those '6' pins Ryan, Randy, and Steven were wearing were in support of Got Your Six, Michelle Obama's new initiative to help veterans. Next week: rainbow flags. Even you, J. Lo. Make it happen. Is Hollie heading home tonight? Would you buy ice cream from Randy Jackson? Do you wish they'd cut it out with the duets or did you get as big a kick out of Phillip and Joshua's "This Love" as I did? Discuss! Read more: Who sang best on Top 4 night? 'And I Am Telling You' to vote! -- POLL 'Idol': Top 4's Best and Worst -- PHOTO GALLERY 'American Idol': Name your Top 4 Power List! The week in 'Idol': Top 4 going back to Cali, Kris Allen shut down on the pier, and more At home with the Top 9 in the 'Idol' mansion -- EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS Ask Annie anything about 'Idol' (or whatever) in the video player below. To see her answers to previous questions, click on the text links below the picture. This is *not live*! ]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['American Idol' recap: Nothing Without a Woman or a Girl]]> Wed, 09 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17400 tvr_17400 tvr_17400 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP005520800414 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/09/IDOL-SANCHEZ_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/09/IDOL-SANCHEZ_175.jpg Fox YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME Jessica Sanchez is not going! TV NO -- Reality TV Episode 35 Season 11 YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME Jessica Sanchez is not going!

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap R R Revenge's long-awaited flashback episode, could only mean two things: First, 50 Cent's "In Da Club"! And second, it must be the year 2002, because let's face it, that's the last time Fitty, or "In Da Club," was relevant. Specifically, it was December of 2002. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers was burning up the box office. Miramax and the Weinsteins were gearing up their Oscar push for Chicago. And NBC was trying--and failing--to launch a pre-Mad Men '60s nostalgia craze with American Dreams. In the universe of Revenge, Amanda Clark had only been out of juvie for six months, partying her way through the fortune she'd gained as an investor in NolCorp. (Sadly, "In Da Club" was not being played for Charlotte Grayson's eighth birthday party, despite the obvious "Go Charlotte, it's your birthday" hook.) When we dropped in on Amanda she was dancing with some sleazy guy who thought that dancing was a free pass for groping. That didn't bother her as much as when he went off with some other club-dweller for a quickie bathroom-stall tryst. A beating ensued. Because her father may have been convicted of treason and terrorism, her life may have been squandered in a juvenile detention center, and she may now miraculously be a multi-millionaire, but unleashing on a dancefloor creep is still Priority #1. As it would be for any 18-year-old. Amanda was quickly escorted outside...to Nolan's waiting car. He scolded her for not having read her father's journals, because if she knew the truth about what happened in the past she'd be better able to deal with the present. So began a flashback episode that, for my money, was pretty darn disappointing. In fact, it may be the first episode of the series that I can truly call a letdown. The biggest issue was that, well, we already knew everything that was dramatized here. Amanda really thought her father was a terrorist but slowly came to know the truth about the Graysons' conspiracy. She worked as a waitress at their December 31, 2002 New Year's Eve bash to gain more intel on them, and started piecing together each of the players who did her daddy wrong. I, for one, had really been hoping that we'd learn more about her relationship with Takeda and the time she spent training with him Kill Bill-style in Japan. That maybe we'd learn what exactly his motivation is for pursuing an anti-Grayson vendetta. Not to mention what role the new Big Bad of the series, The White-Haired Man, has to play in all this. The biggest crime of "Legacy," though, may be that it was such a momentum killer after a couple of quicksilver episodes that left us begging for more. Commenter Matthew Johns0n may have said it best during our Revenge live chat on EW.com: "This is like the 'Across the Sea' episode of Lost...wrong time to air THIS episode." That would be that unfortunate installment of Lost that introduced a whole new mythology to the series, including a bizarre turn by Allison Janney as the mystical island matriarch...two episodes before the series finale. "Legacy" suffered from a similar problem. Its plot hinged around a character we've never seen before and who has never even been mentioned up till now: Roger Halsted, a nervous, schlubby former Grayson employee who knew the truth about David Clarke being set up. And felt really bad about it. "Legacy" did have a few moments of oddball fun, as we got to see some of our characters' younger selves or characters that are no longer with us, like dearly departed Daddy Porter. And Frank, the stubbly Grayson henchman with a soft spot for Victoria who didn't see Faux-Manda's tire iron until it was too late. NEXT: Where were you in 2002? Actually we still don't know where Daniel and Charlotte were... Elsewhere in the Hamptons of 2002, Conrad was getting fed up with how Victoria was wallowing in guilt over David Clarke by spending lots of alone time in his old house. Yes, the Graysons had anonymously bought David's property after it was seized by the government, to allow Victoria to indulge her nostalgia for her lover/fall-guy. Nolan's flamboyance hadn't quite yet reached critical mass. His hair was still brown and his wardrobe was shockingly devoid of pastels. Jack, however, proved that, at heart, this episode was really just a celebration of bad hair. Good God, in wearing it long he looked like either a wannabe snowboarder or Seattle grunge-band member. It was a hairstyle better suited to the 1991-set flashback-within-a-flashback than 2002. Or as commenter LuckeeShev87 said during our live chat, "It's like Lucy from Peanuts." Even worse, his girlfriend's name was Kai, which I'm pretty sure was the title of the spiritual leader of Bajor on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. In other hair news, the only way Revenge gave us to differentiate between Henry Czerny's Conrad in 1991, 2002, and 2012 was from the amount of Just for Men that had been carefully applied to his scalp. Naysayers who didn't like my comparison of Revenge to Game of Thrones, I present to you another obvious connection: both series very much concern themselves with the follically-challenged. At least in happier news, Sammy the Bionic Dog hadn't yet reached middle age by 2002. Most dogs would have, but not Sammy. Among their Christmas cards, the Graysons received a rather unusual Yuletide greeting: a bloody card with the word "shame" printed on it, signed by David Clarke. Could it be that someone from their inner circle who knew their secret was holding it over them? There was only one to know for sure--invite everyone who was involved in the conspiracy against David to their New Year's Eve party, Agatha Christie-style, then have Frank investigate them one-by-one. Taking Nolan's advice, Amanda went to her old home, broke inside, and decided that right there would be the place she would read her father's journals. She flashed back to another New Year's Eve, this one in 1991 when she and her father had just moved to Southampton. "Uncle Bill," a.k.a Bill Harmon, the Grayson financial whiz turned hedge-fund manager, stopped by to collect her dad. David promised her he'd be back to watch the ball drop with her, as her zombified babysitter stared blankly off into space in the background. NEXT: Amanda lands a gig at the Graysons' New Year's Eve party. All the better to plot their destruction. Back in Montauk 2002, Kai wanted to skip out on the Stowaway to take a waitressing gig at the Graysons' New Year's party, but Daddy Porter said no. Amanda, posing as "Mandy," said she'd take the job and kick Kai back 25%. (Commenter Amanda Basta: "Clearly Amanda got better with the aliases as time went on.") New Year's Eve was then upon us, and Lydia and Michael Davis made their arrival at Grayson Manor. Since Lydia was Victoria's closest friend, she and Michael were given an "ocean-side room." Having 24,000 square feet really is awesome. Victoria took this opportunity to indulge in her own 1991-set reverie. Turns out that particular New Year's Eve party was the first time she had ever laid eyes on David Clarke. She was drawn to him because of his TV-star good looks, sure, but also because he was the kind of guy who would buy beachfront property because it "felt right" and not because of tax incentives. Translating that into something the rest of us in the 99% can understand, it's that Victoria was attracted to David Clarke because, unlike Conrad, he was capable of feeling these pesky things called emotions. During one such nostalgia-trip, when Victoria took a stroll around David's old house, Conrad popped up Whac-A-Mole-style to say he'd decided they'd sell the house because she was still in love with his rival. New Year's Eve, and Amanda was on hand to cater the party. Now, I know what some of you are thinking...didn't Amanda have black hair in Lydia's photo from that night? It appeared black, but I'm willing to give Revenge's producers the benefit of the doubt. It could very well have been Amanda's Britney-esque brown and only appeared black because it was a black and white photo, and she was standing in a shadow. Incongruity solved. NEXT: All of David Clarke's persecutors are evil and proud of it. It was Amanda's task to set up the place-settings for everyone who had been invited. At one table were congregated just about all of the conspirators from the anti-David Clarke plot: Uncle Bill Harmon, Senator Tom Kingsly, Treadwell, that evil shrink, and, of course, the Graysons themselves. Everyone was bitching magnificently to one another. Treadwell was talking about how he'd just wrapped up his reporting on the DC sniper story. But that didn't stop him from giving Victoria that photo of David Clarke from the day he died. (Wait, how did Treadwell of all people get ahold of that?) Senator Kingsly was spouting cynical bile like "My resolution is to spend more time on the campaign trail telling people what they want to hear." And Uncle Bill was trying to get Kingsly to put aside those pesky "family values" and allow a proposed Indian Casino to be built. "We all know you're capable of it," he said. Wow, the David Clarke conspiracy really is the worst-kept secret ever. The one person who didn't want to sit with them and asked to be reassigned was probably the only one worth knowing: Roger Halsted, whom Amanda remembered her father had said she could trust. So when she visited him in the Grayson boathouse, she revealed all, including her parentage and how her dad said she could trust him. He was a bit flummoxed at the moment, but later he awkwardly bumped into her and slipped a note into her pocket. (Also, Star Trek: Enterprise fans, rejoice! Halsted was played by John Billingsley, who portrayed the fussy Denobulan Dr. Phlox on the Trek prequel.) Oh, you knew that wasn't your room, Lydia. Your room was in a different wing of the house. She barged in on Frank and Conrad and managed to get Conrad alone. He told her that he and Victoria were the sole owners of the company that had bought David Clarke's home and that they'd be happy to sell it to her. She'd take the house. But she also wanted the man who'd let her buy the house. With a sly, seductive smirk she moved in for the kill...apparently beginning a nine-year affair. Which really makes Victoria seem stupid, doesn't it? NEXT: Conrad may be in flagrante Lydia, but he's still a mensch, don't you know it? And finally, the author of that bloody note revealed... After emerging from that bedroom, Conrad announced to the assembled guests that they're selling the beach house to Lydia and Michael. As Michael said, Conrad is a mensch indeed. Frank had finally narrowed the suspects list down to Roger alone and began his interrogation. By the time Amanda entered the boathouse to check on him, she found him lying in a bathtub with his wrists slit. A suicide? Not when Frank's in the picture. And in that moment Amanda knew. She knew that her father had indeed been the victim of a terrible conspiracy. So she frantically called Nolan, who was hanging out at the Stowaway and had just received from Kai the best kiss he'd get until Tyler, and said she now believed him. On his way out, Treadwell casually mentioned that he enjoyed how his job was to "expose the truth and shame the Devil." Victoria realized he was hinting that he had sent that bloody "Shame" note, just to stir the pot and see what the Graysons would do. For more material, of course. He mentioned that watching them turn on each other was in fact like Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indians, and he wondered who would be the last to fall. The only thing for Amanda to do next? Get a double infinity symbol tattooed on her wrist. Okay, maybe after all "Legacy" was more like that episode of Lost where Jack got a tattoo in Phuket from Bai Ling. What did you guys think of "Legacy"? Do you agree that it was a disappointment? Are you also anxious to see the full story of Amanda's apprenticeship under Takeda in Japan? Why were Daniel and Charlotte totally awol from Grayson Manor on New Year's Eve? What on earth did Amanda do in the nine years between this New Year's Eve party and her arrival as Emily Thorne in the summer of 2011? And were people's hairstyles really that wretched in 2002?]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Revenge' recap: Get Revenge or Die Tryin']]> Wed, 09 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17425 tvr_17425 tvr_17425 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP014195250022 http://img2-2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/09/revenge_75.jpg http://img2-2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/09/revenge_175.jpg Colleen Hayes/ABC ARE YOU BEING SERVED? Yes. Champagne and hateful glances. TV NO -- Drama Episode 20 Season 1 ARE YOU BEING SERVED? Yes. Champagne and hateful glances.

]]> TV Recaps TV Recap M M Modern Family has reached that rare milestone shared by every great family sitcom: the Disneyland episode. The Russos did it. Roseanne did it. Even Cory and Topanga did it. And now, the Dunphy-Pritchetts have crossed into epic sitcom territory by taking the whole clan to Anaheim (or Orlando, since Disney World is equally frequented on TV) for a day of overpriced churros and Disney-themed puns. It's the same story every time: come to Disneyland, ride Big Thunder Mountain, have a deep existential crisis. For the beleaguered, aging Phil Dunphy, the happiest place on Earth became a sad reminder that tea cups crack, enchanted castles crumble and even the king of roller coasters can fall victim to the perils of growing old. In a (souvenir Chip 'n' Dale) nutshell, that was the doozy of a dilemma facing Phil as he came to the conclusion that he just wasn't able to keep up with Luke due to his getting older. The happy reveal, though, was that Phil's body wasn't failing, but that he actually had the flu, which gave just a little more hope to the most enthusiastic manchild ever to step foot in the Magic Kingdom (except major creeper Peter Pan, who's been wearing the same pair of tights for 110 years). Cam and Mitchell faced their own crisis in child rearing: Lily, who has acquired a propensity for scurrying, falls victim to what Cam calls a "child safety tether," or as Mitchell calls by its actual name, a leash. If you've ever been to an amusement park, country fair or Costco, you've definitely seen those awful terrycloth animal backpacks that parents force their rambunctious children to wear (I prefer spiked collars, personally). After an embarrassing tangle with another leashed child-dog (named Rex, no less), Mitchell decided it was too humiliating and let Lily free... only to have her immediately run away. Grandpa Jay, in his omniscient wisdom, knew the right way to slow the 3-year-old down, and it worked: He bought her a pair of Cinderella high heels, and the budding diva was immediately grounded. The hilarity, of course, came from Jay's earlier encounter with Gloria, who refused to change out of her high heeled shoes, despite being warned of the insane amount of walking a person does at Disneyland (supposedly, the average walking distance for a day at Disney is around 10 miles, give or take the hyperactivity of your nightmarish toddlers). After pestering her enough times, Gloria admits to the pain, and Jay saves the day again, producing a pair of slippers that looked like the most comfortable footwear ever invented. NEXT: Dylan gets Disneyfied, Manny gets stock options Once she was up and about, Gloria attempted to wrench Manny away from his metaphorical high heels -- that is, from the thing holding him back from enjoying the Magic Kingdom. Manny -- or "Money Delgado," as we shall now forever refer to him -- was caught up in his mock stock market project in class, which naturally he overdramatizes from being a jaunty class experiment into the next global financial crisis. There's only one way to break the determination of Manny Delgado, though, and Gloria knew it: a cute pre-teen with a smile and a training bra. (Yes, I realized how creepy that sounded right after I wrote it.) Ah, yes, the power of a girl in a flying elephant is always enough to break a man's heart. And, of course, there was heartbreak for both of the Dunphy girls: Claire decided to bring her friend's nephew Ethan along for the outing so that Haley might leave the nest on something other than the back of a motorcycle, but her plan backfired when Haley reconnected with television's most hilarious ex-boyfriend Dylan, leaving Ethan to forge a flirty connection with Alex. Horrified that she had inadvertently set up her 14-year-old with a college student, Claire did her best to push Haley towards Ethan, which ended up working out for her when Haley discovered Dylan's day job as part of a bicycle-riding barbershop quartet. Haley eventually confronted Dylan while he was wearing a Little John costume, which made for one of the best moments of the show (although I can't repeat it, considering it relied heavily on the permanent facial expressions of the plasticine character). There was no ostensible resolution between Haley and Dylan, although we can assume that we'll never see the last of Dyley (does anyone call them that?). The real denouement came from Jay, who had spent the episode recounting his last Disneyland experience in which he took young Claire and Mitchell to the park without then-wife DeDe. Throughout the day, Jay had pondered leaving DeDe and grasping onto the supposed joy that he saw reflected in various parts of the happiest place on Earth. But then, while sitting in the Hall of Presidents, right before he had decided to go home and leave his wife, he was inspired by robot Abraham Lincoln to stay together for the sake of his children. An odd conclusion to draw from an antebellum automaton, but a sentimental one nonetheless. NEXT: The best lines of the night Sound Bites: "Okay, it's Toontown, not Toonton. You've been watching too much PBS." -Mitchell "Do you know how much walking you have to do at Disneyland? Why do you think they have so many fat people on scooters?" -Jay "I know I can't run Haley's life for her, but if she would let me, I would be so good at it!" -Claire Jay: The fluid in your inner ear is thickening. That's what happens when you get old. Phil: It is? Jay: Yeah, you can't take the motion. I gotta pop a Dramamine to get into my swivel chair. Phil: That is not it. I'm king of the roller coasters! I think I just put too big of a whipped cream smile on my pancake this morning. "Everybody's looking at us. I haven't been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods." -Mitchell "There was no reception in there. You know how many bars I had? Zip-a-dee-doo-dah." -Manny "Now please don't go all Latin on me when I say this. Is it possible you get angry from time to time because you're always wearing uncomfortable shoes?" -Jay "You have been so busy burying your face in your phone that you barely said hello to your family. You gave Winnie the Pooh the cold shoulder!" -Gloria Haley: Dylan, let's not do this now. Dylan: It has to be now. I've got a parade at 3:00. Claire: You might have the flu. Phil: A bunch of guys at work had the flu and we all drink orange juice out of the same carton! We should get cups. Jay: Come on, people, it's a robotic president! What's not to love? Luke: A robotic president.]]> Regular Episode TV <![CDATA['Modern Family' recap: Toontown Abbey]]> Wed, 09 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000 Recap TV TV Watch TV Recap tvr_17404 tvr_17404 tvr_17404 http://tvrecaps.ew.com/viewer/episode/?id=EP011581240072 http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/09/modern-family_75.jpg http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2012/05/09/modern-family_175.jpg Peter Stone/ABC THE MORTALITY OF MICKEY MOUSE: The Dunphy-Pritchetts' trip to Disneyland left some in a good mood (like the concupiscent Alex) and others (like Phil) facing death in its giant, four-inch-wide cartoon eyes. TV NO -- Comedy Episode 22 Season 3 THE MORTALITY OF MICKEY MOUSE: The Dunphy-Pritchetts' trip to Disneyland left some in a good mood (like the concupiscent Alex) and others (like Phil) facing death in its giant, four-inch-wide cartoon eyes.

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